Addendum: how many cities can I fit in to two weeks...?

Okay, so when I published that post below just now I realised the title I started off with has nothing to do with what I ended up talking about! In my head the topic for the day was, "Update on elective planning!" LoL Thus, do allow me this addendum.

I spent more than a good few hours online this past weekend dreaming of where I want to go in those two weeks holiday I have on my way to The Gambia. Two weeks isn't a lot of time when you think about it and the possibilities are endless! How do I choose? One place I definitely want to go after my recent bout of web-surfing is Tunisia. I have to admit the Arab culture has always fascinated me and reading about the medina in Tunis, the ruins of Carthage, and exploring Saharan Africa... oh man, that really hits the spot. I thought of Morocco as well, but after doing the research and honestly thinking about it I think the main attraction would be being able to say to people, "Oh yeah, I went to Morocco. That Casablanca is pretty cool." Actually, no I lie, that would be reason #2 of 2. Number one would be to visit the Hassan II Mosque: the third largest mosque in the world, it looks out onto the Atlantic which can be seen through the gigantic glass floor for 25,000 worshippers, and one of the few mosques open to visitors. But I remain undecided as to whether that's worth the extra travel time and mu-lah associated with adding an extra city/country onto my two-week agenda. As it stands it looks like Seattle --> Boston/NY --> Tunis --> The Gambia. Now once I get to The Gambia that's a whole other chapter! I'm so excited! Which reminds me, I need to seriously start saving up some money cos all this travelling doesn't come cheap. Fo' sho.

how many cities can I fit in to two weeks...?

My Paeds run wrapped up on Friday, good riddance! LoL The oral exam with the Paediatrics Prof was tough and though I passed I have to say my dignity was shattered when I came out the other end. Thank you med school for yet another lesson in humility. But it's Paeds, my most difficult subject, so I accept my overall Pass with a grateful heart. It's crazy to think that unless I specialise in Paediatrics this is the last of any formal teaching on it... ever! Anyways it's over and that's all that counts.

Did some baking and Christmas shopping over the weekend (been doing bits and pieces whenever I can and am still not done!), then had a friend over Saturday night for which I cooked the most delicious elaborate dinner! At least, elaborate in my books: spinach, mushroom and feta stuffed chicken wrapped in bacon, served with galicky potatoes and salad, and leftover Christmas baking and coffee to finish. It was fun because I had a good afternoon to just go at my pace and really unwind doing it. I have to admit I find both cooking and baking quite cathartic when done under my circumstances with plenty of time and resources.

After that dinner I kind of went a bit downhill. During the month on Paeds I was on-call the first weekend, in Auckland the second, then on-call again the third weekend so I basically went through it with no breaks at all. I tend to do this to myself though -- push myself way too hard for a while and then something forces me to slow down (I wouldn't go so far as to call it "crash" but stand at the precipice of, you know?). So the past couple days I've been doing bare minimum, watching movies, catching up on rest. I still have this publication for my clinical trial from last summer to write up -- I hate having it hanging over my head still, urgh! yay the day it'll be done! -- as well as various tasks for NZMSA. Being productive has its downsides especially when you just need to take a break and feel you can't! Oh well, they're shelved for now, it'll all just have to wait.

Despite all this, I'm feeling much better, in-my-head-wise. All that internal drama with surgery and training programmes -- it's behind me now. I caught up with one of the Profs here who I did research with a few years ago (and who remains a sort of de facto mentor) and he really put my mind at ease. He reassured me that I'm on the right track and it was okay not wanting to get caught up in the "rat race" that can be a career in surgery (he too is a renown surgeon!). He really encouraged me to not be afraid to do my own thing on my own terms at my own pace like I'd always planned, but to do so strategically nonetheless. And that is exactly what I needed to hear. Teachers, mentors, they do so much for so little in return. I've had a couple truly incredible mentors throughout my life and I will forever be indebted to them, a heart filled with gratitude. :)

So yes, I'm definitely starting to plan ahead the next two, three years of my life, but with my usual brand of enthusiasm and excitement, not stress or worry. All in all, I'm revved up and ready! It's no longer, "...here... I go... again... *sigh*..." but, "HERE I GO AGAIN, YE-AH BABY!!!" Hehehe... Things are definitely looking up, kid!


On a completely different note, Christmas... man, already! I'm not sure if it's being in NZ (summer and all!), being older, being the family of four we've always been, or a combination of all of the above, but Christmas always feels so chilled out and anticlimactic (in a good way). I'm not very affected by the commercialism, shopping just feels like shopping, and the closest I get to the "Holiday Spirit" is wanting to watch Home Alone and make hot apple cider if only I knew how. LoL It's nice though, it being so chilled out. Kirsty's flying down tomorrow for an entire week (yay!) and our usual barbecue Christmas Day. Dad and I have decided to do a father-daughter day tramp up Mount Cargill on New Years Day which should be nice, so long as he doesn't lecture me the entire time!

This year has been so full of the highest of highs and so symbolic of the passing of one era of my life to the beginning of another that in comparison this holiday season feels so ordinary. A chance to catch my breath in the midst of all the crazy. And I gotta say, blogging from bed at nine in the morning and nothing but Anne of Green Gables: The Sequel on the agenda for the day? Catching my breath I most certainly am. :)

pet project!

A couple weeks ago Shuichi and I decided to take it upon ourselves to put together a wee booklet for the upcoming fifth years -- part informative, part encouraging -- as they head into the most intense year of medical school. Advice about the individuals run throughout the year and tips on how to prep for end-of-year finals. Not just what we did as individuals, but bringing together what our classmates did, what worked, what didn't... what we would have wanted to know in hindsight. And it's come together really well! Shuichi's girlfriend is gonna proof it tonight, final touches tomorrow, and then it'll be ready. It's taken more work than I originally thought, more hours than intended, but I can't believe how cool it's turned out... and in the end if it makes fifth year just that much easier or better or more manageable... if it encourages just one person, it would have been worth it. :)

a little too... Christina Yang?

Things have calmed down a bit this past week. Last weekend I was in Auckland for the final NZMSA Exec meeting of the year. Despite the fact that more than half the Exec are away overseas it was still good to recap what we've done and our plans for 2010. The meeting was relatively informal and not too content heavy which was nice (and so foreign) because normally by Saturday afternoon my brain is utterly fried and Sunday can become a mission. But like I said, lack of numbers and formality kept things pretty easy-going. A few of the Exec members who were there had just had their first week as doctors so it was good to hear how they were going and what I have to look forward to in less than a year's time. :) Also, due to a semi-late start Sunday morning, one of the Exec members and I had a chance to catch up over breakfast -- he's an Aucklander and, as I found out halfway through the year, a Christian. It's been really awesome getting to know him and he's quickly become a good friend. In particular it turned out that we were going through some similar stuff this year in our respective lives regarding relationships and being Christian and single and in our early twenties, etc., which is an area/topic largely untouched, unaddressed by most church communities, so it's been good sharing resources, insight and encouragement.

The other upside of the weekend was that I got to catch up with my sister! And what's more check out her new fancy apartment in Parnell. She was previously living in a tiny studio close to the med school/hospital, but now has "upgraded" with a friend of hers to a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment. Much, much roomier I have to say. On Friday night I shouted her and Anthony out to dinner which was nice. Then Saturday night after the usual Exec dinner I passed on going out to town with them and Kirsty and I did Movenpick icecream and videos instead -- awesome. And because the meeting finished a wee bit earlier than expected Sunday afternoon Kirsty and I had a chance to do some shopping in Newmarket before I had to head to the airport. So, all in all, a very fun weekend.

It's been a bit less hectic at the hospital too. I've been largely hanging out at PAU (the emergency Paediatric Assessment Unit) trying to admit kids as they come in. Plus we had like three different presentations to give, which on the whole all went alright. One more presentation and an oral test to do this week and then, IT'S OVER! First run of TI year... man, this year is gonna be over before I know it.


I have to admit, I've been in a funny head space lately. I think it's been ever since a few of us on the surgical interest club committee caught up with our "mentor" surgeon ("Mr A") to talk about our plans for the upcoming year. It was a really worthwhile meeting because Mr A ended up going on a huge tangent about the application process for surgical training. And despite working my butt off these past couple of years with research and extra-curricular stuff, it seems there has been a big hole in my approach. On retrospect, although I have no regrets for the research I've done (bioethics, surgical education, endocrinology) I can't help but think maybe I should have... been more... surgically-minded?? I dunno... and my overseas elective that I've been planning for the past year... it's not surgical at all. And although it wouldn't count against me in my future application, realistically I could do something that could count FOR me??

There's a part of me that's thinking, well, I told myself from the get-go that I wouldn't become this all-surgery, all-the-time, nothing-but-surgery kind of person, that I would still have other interests and not let it dictate my life... However, the potential downside to that (I've now realised upon looking into what it takes to successfully apply to the surgical training program) is that maybe I do need more of that "focused" mindset if I wanna get in... as I most certainly do. I also learnt from my conversation with Mr A that if you're accepted into the training program you can choose to defer for a year, so even if I apply as soon as possible (which I told myself I wouldn't do cos what's the rush? there are heaps of other stuff I wanna do in my life before making that huge commitment... but which now I am seriously contemplating doing... lol), there's the potential to get accepted, have that security and then spend a year travelling and volunteering overseas as per the original plan.

*Sigh*... I dunno... It's crazy though because things are getting a bit more serious now. Like it's not just about, "Oh yeah, I was thinking maybe surgery, but who knows what'll happen," to, if I want it I need to start knuckling down so to speak and plan out the next couple of years of my life... which... I know, sounds all a bit too hard-core... but... I've always been the kind of person who, if I know what I want, I go for it. Full stop. And, I know what I want. So... I guess... that means... here I go again.

today I got paid less than minimum wage... and you probably did too, lol

Despite an overwhelming desire to write, write and then write some more about what's been going on lately, I find myself unexpectedly (or not so unexpectedly?) pressed for time!! The Paeds department here was notorious for their assignments/presentations/etc during 5th year and TI year I'm afraid is little different. So in between working on one of four presentations I have to give during this four-week run, not to mention an oral test, AS WELL AS on-calls, I'm finding it a bit difficult to (a.) be sociable, and (b.) get some quality time to jot down my thoughts. A bit frustrating but to be honest, I'm too physically exhausted to care right now. After all weekend on-call, and then back in the hospital this morning to do a blood test before 8am handover, all I want to do is get into bed and sleep.

If the point of Intern year is to give us a taste of what life is like after graduation I believe I am starting to understand... and, well, I have a year to mentally prepare myself for a life of physical exhaustion. LoL But still, no regrets. There is joy in suffering... fo sho.

Okay... back to the literature search on carbohydrate counting. Oi vey.

whoa, what just happened?

I experienced my first cardiac arrest today... in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).

I experienced my first death in the hospital... the death of a tiny little baby.

Without saying too much, this newborn baby has been pretty sick and no one could figure out why. They (the consultants and registrars) had spent a while discussing this baby at the morning handover meeting, but I didn't think too much about it myself. Then, having been assigned to NICU for the week, I met this baby and the whole family an hour later on our ward round -- and indeed the baby was unwell but stable. It was pretty hard going for the family who knew things were getting serious and, in some ways to an outside looking in, it kind of felt like they were preparing themselves to say goodbye, like as if somehow they knew in their heart of hearts what was to come.

It was later that afternoon that all of a sudden there was an explosion of beeping from one of the NICU monitors, followed by hushed exclamations of "Where's the doctor??!?" Before I knew what was happening there were two registrars, one house surgeon, two nurses (with the consultant on the way)... and me, standing, just standing there, watching it all unfold in front of me like a scene from a TV show, but this time in slow motion and with hushed voices in an otherwise silent and frozen NICU. And in those next ten minutes it was like everyone else in the room was holding their breath, completely paralyzed, afraid that one wrong movement might somehow change the fate of this little baby, dusky blue, teetering on the edge of the precipice that is life... or death.

I was frozen. I just stood there. They didn't need me, and, frankly, I had nothing to offer. No skills, no understanding, no knowledge. My role, I quickly realised, was just to take it in.

You know in First Aid course when you practice CPR on those mannequins? And on "Annie" (the adult mannequin) you're supposed to use the force of your entire upper body to perform the compressions? (To quote one of the instructors, "You're not doing it right if you haven't fractured any ribs.") But then afterwards they bring out the infant mannequin and teach you to use two fingers? Two fingers. Two fingers of one hand for compressions. I always felt a little ridiculous doing that, like, honestly, would two fingers really be enough??

After my car rolled off the bank in Motueka the image that stayed with me (and remains with me still) is the blurred view of the green and brown forestry through the windshield as my car tumbled on it's side, like being inside a glass hamster wheel looking out. In the same way, the image that haunts me from this afternoon is of the registrar's two fingers pushing up and down on this tiny little baby's heart... and on this tiny, fragile, precious baby, two fingers really were more than enough.

After about fifteen minutes of resus, as the registrars continued to do compressions and bag ventilate, the consultant went over to the family to explain to them that they would now stop doing compressions and that it was time to say goodbye. And it was then, as they started to extubate the baby, that it was too much for me. I stepped outside, left NICU, and in an empty hallway at the back of the fifth floor, started to cry.

It sucks. Plain and simple. And it breaks your heart. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for the family. I only met the little baby this morning and it was enough to break my heart; I can't even begin to fathom what it would be like had I spent every single moment of six, seven, eight months with a baby that was inside of me, then to watch it die before it even had a chance to live.

Needless to say, it was a pretty intense first day. And to be honest, I think I'm a little shell-shocked.

not just awesome but delightfully awesome

Hi! And hello again! The past few weeks have been such a whirlwind of events and emotions and I have no idea how I'll catch up on writing about it all, but I have decided I must and I will. Maybe not all at once, but there are just so many thoughts, memories and reflections flying around my head that I NEED to get it down on paper.

I start back up at the hospital tomorrow, for my sixth and FINAL year of medical school.

[pause]

My sixth and FINAL year of medical school.

[pause]

My sixth and FINAL year of medical school... yeaaaaah...

[pause]

Did I mention that tomorrow I start my sixth and FINAL year of medical school?

I just can't get over it. And no matter how many times I say it, it still sounds strange and completely surreal. I think once I'm in the thick of it, back on the wards, busy running around and doing work it won't feel quite so strange but for now I remain in the realm of utter disbelief.

The past couple months have been the most intense of my academic career, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually... and it just feels all too surreal that it's behind me now, that I actually did get through it. I did what I had to do (although I'm not quite sure exactly what that was -- have they become repressed memories already?? lol) and in the end I managed and I survived. I didn't burnout (although I came dangerously close a couple times this year), I didn't have a breakdown, I didn't give up... somehow I pressed through... through that final, most painful phase of the metamorphosis that is medical school. And here I stand, a Trainee Intern.

Weird.

But delightfully awesome. :)

So much has happened the past few weeks, from the cathartic release of finishing exams, the utter elation and jumping-up-and-down upon receiving the "You've passed" email, to the most epic, relaxing, brilliant road trip back up to Motueka this past week and all that was in between. And like I said, I'll most definitely be putting pen to paper this upcoming week, but for now suffice it to say: Goodnight dear world, I'll see you tomorrow. Yours faithfully, Anna, Trainee Intern Extraordinaire. :)

low point

It's official: procrastination desperation. That's fifteen minutes well worth of distraction. Now, back to psych...

Post-note: That 0% facebook use in MICN5 October is apparently true for everyone but me... I think it's because tvnz-on-demand hasn't been working for the past two days. :(

yes indeed-y, I will most certainly jump through those hoops and I will do so with all my heart and a great big smile

I know I had planned a blog-hiatus in the lead-up to exams but I just got home from my last test for rural GP run and found myself with some seriously unexpected nostalgia.

My last rotation of my fifth year of medical school is officially over and I find myself wondering, has it really been five years??

When I think back on all the incredible, surprising, character-forming experiences I've had, it's both easy and hard to believe that it has been five years since this crazy journey (<-- corney, I know but there's no other way to describe it) began.

I still remember the Anna from four years ago with equal parts cringe, warmth and disbelief, much like unexpectedly stumbling into an old photograph of yourself in the bottom of your closet and wondering what happened to that person staring back at you. Sure parts of her remain, but mere remnants and fragments within the context of this much older and different woman, the product of numerous metamorphoses over the years passed.

I think this nostalgia has been creeping up on me slowly but surely for a while now. A few days ago as I was standing lost in random thought while blow drying my hair I found myself thinking of the "nine lives" I used to dream about as a teenager, the nine occupations I wished I could live out: Anna the magazine editor-in-chief, Anna the journalist for Newsweek, Anna the PhD US history student turned professor, Anna the television producer, Anna the novelist, Anna the US Air Force pilot (I know, laugh, but it was the stepping stone of becoming an astronaut, the ultimate ambition for most of my adolescent life), Anna the diplomat for the United Nations, Anna the food critic, and last but not least, Anna the international human rights lawyer. As I recounted these random (and not to mention, lofty) ambitions of my youth, I found myself thinking how ironic it was that "Anna the doctor" never -- and I mean, never -- once crossed my mind. For someone who constantly entertained a thousand different lives and always feared having to settle on one, I find it more than a little ironic that the one thing I ended up doing was the one thing I could never have imagined even just five years ago.

And look at me now. Nine days away from medical school finals, nostalgic as ever, reflecting on how I couldn't picture myself doing anything else in the world. Man, God is awesome. He really does exceed your expectations every single time -- no matter what you could ever plan or imagine for yourself, His Plan, His Will, is so much more amazing, and brilliant, and fulfilling than anything you could ever dream of or conjure up.

I've been so incredibly at peace the past week or so, and I know it's all because of God. I'm excited for exams because regardless of what may happen, when I look at how far I've come, how far all of my classmates and myself have come it's amazing to see the utter transformation we've undergone. And you know what? I don't need an examiner or a hundrend multiple choice questions to tell me what I'm confident in my heart of hearts to be true, which is that I've studied my butt off for five years and I'm so incredibly excited and ready to be an intern. I'll jump through whatever hoops Med school, Society and Convention want me to, because I can't wait until the day I get to rock up to a patient in the emergency room and say, "Hi! My name is Dr Anna, and I'm gonna do my best to look after you today." That, ladies and gentlemen, is gonna be a freakin' awesome day. :) Here's to the next nine days, and to the rest of our lives.

i'll see you on the other side

In 25 days it'll all be over folks! On Friday I flew home after five weeks of rural GP in Motueka/Golden Bay (Nelson area!). Countless amazing experiences and many unexpected friendships later, I am back home and now -- in the routine and comfort of home -- well into study hibernation.

Twenty days until OSCEs, 25 days until exams are over.

I promise to share all my awesome, utterly random rural GP stories once exams are over -- Insights, Reflections and Revelations From A City Girl At Heart -- but for now I'll leave you with but one thought: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal." - Isaiah 26:3,4


A few pictures as a prelude of what's to come:

a feast of geek and good-looking goodness

So I've been trying to do some renal study lately in a relatively last minute attempt to actually understand it five years into med school, and, at the suggestion of my mentor, emailed the renal consultants to see if I could spend a morning with them on the ward during these holidays. I know, ultra geeky, I admit, going into the hospital on my own volition during my spring break but I figured, hey, it's only one morning and I knew my mentor had a point when he said I'd probably learn more from two hours on the ward than two hours of studying renal at the library... plus, in the very least it'd motivate me to actually try to study and understand renal. The renal consultants -- who have a 100% pass rate with their registrars (=residents) in their final specialist exams -- were more than happy for us to tag along on their ward round and then talk to some patients afterwards if we wanted to. I say "us" because when I told a couple friends/my OSCE study group, they decided to come along.

And you know what? It turned out to be an AWESOME morning. Yes, I learned so much more from (what turned out to be) the three-hour ward round. There turned out to be quite a big entourage and furthermore, quite a lot of drama! They had about 10 patients which is pretty epic for Renal, and some really interesting cases, not to mention an almost-code where this really young guy developed sudden onset of severe chest pain and respiratory distress ten minutes after his straightforward renal biopsy procedure. One of the nurses started calling for a doctor and there was a lot of rushing and plugging in of machines, etc, and just standing back and watching the registrars and house surgeons kick into "ABC-mode" was freakin' amazing. So much to learn from! Lesson of the day: just don't freak out. LoL. It's all about being calm and collected.

And man, during the course of the morning, WE GOT GRILLED. And with both the renal consultants there for the round it got pretty intense at times, but in hindsight it was great teaching. You'd think all my renal study leading up to this morning would've helped, but it's truly amazing how in medicine it's all about thinking laterally -- we got grilled on basic pharmacology, microbiology, general medicine, all in the context of reanl issues, plus loads of first principle concepts which we too often (sadly) failed miserably at (yet undoubtedly learnt heaps from). So all in all a very worthwhile morning.

I got home around 1pm for lunch. I was only gonna take a short break before heading back into town to get some study done at the library but I started to read some more Austen and, enveloped by the warm afternoon sun, I got hooked! Four hours later I was done with Northanger Abbey, much to my surprise. And dude, it was AWESOME. Henry is definitely up there as one of my favourite male Austen leads. :) If only I had time to get the video out before flying out on Sunday. I will, however, stop by the bookstore and pick up my next read, Wuthering Heights, which was recently highly recommended to me by a friend of mine. I caught up with her tonight for dinner and a movie, Coco avant Chanel. The movie was pretty good -- Alessandro Nivola... mhmmm... and that's about all I wanna say, lol. And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the proceedings for the evening. Goodnight and good luck. :)

[cue the randomness!]

Three days till I leave for rural GP placement up north, and I am beyond ready. Ready for rural isolation, spring-summer warmth, and study hibernation. :)

My one-week spring break has been pretty productive. Downside is I can't seem to shake this virus I caught a few weeks back: it started as a relatively simple upper respiratory tract infection (coryzal symptoms, muscle ache, malaise), but a week ago I got viral conjunctivitis! And a bit of a tummy bug too. After I figured out it was probably conjunctivitis I went to the doctor and he said it wasn't uncommon for a viral URTI to end with conjunctivitis and/or gastroenteritis. Seems I got the whole lot! A combination of seasonal viruses this year being quite bad and the fact that all this busyness/exhaustion/being run down has meant my immune system was/is below par this year! I just can't seem to shake off the darn thing, even weeks later. So after a weekend of doing nothing but sleeping and watching the 7th season of 24 on dvd, I was back at the library bright and early Monday morning. I wish we had more than just that one week of study break before exams... one can only dream. But I digress. This week I've tackled the two subjects I've always dreaded studying -- respiratory and renal; two subjects I gave up trying to understand in 2nd and 3rd year lectures, and the two subjects I avoided to the best of my ability on the wards. But pat on the back for me -- I've tackled them head-on, and (I think) I have won. [pause] ... maybe... hopefully... lol. Well, I guess we'll see soon enough!

Other than that, just trying to catch up with various people before I head off for my five weeks of med-school-imposed beach-exile! Yes, did I mention our place up north is a Bach?! Right by the water? And we have kayaks and boats and archery (allegedly; random, I know), in a town with one of the highest number of sunlight-hours in the country. Sweet! I cannot wait to start going on some hefty runs again -- it's been waaaay too long.

I've also started reading yet another Austen classic, Northanger Abbey. I had been reading Sense and Sensibility but despite getting more than halfway through it, I got too impatient and was DYING to know what happened with Edward so yes, I succumbed and got the BBC dvd -- go on, judge me. I know, I'm judging myself. But man, NO REGRETS. And so, on to the next! The great thing about Northanger Abbey is that it's not one of Austen's well-known novels; to be honest I'd never really heard much about it, and going into it blind (re- plot) definitely has its upsides. :) I promise, no dvd till I finish this one.

Movie and dinner with a friend tomorrow (Coco Chanel -- should be good), studying and packing Saturday, and then I'm off!

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS YEAR IS BASICALLY OVER.

I have to admit, one good thing about exams? It forces you to really study... and, not surprisingly, I've been learning freakin' loads lately... especially the stuff I'd been avoiding for five years (there's really no way of getting around it in medicine), which, in the context of becoming a doctor and all that helping-people business, is probably a good idea, yeah? :)

Stop. Turn. Look... See?

Maybe it's just me, but I'm actually really looking forward to last quarter and all the studying I know I'll be doing! This week of revision lectures have been so amazing because, despite the realisation that I still have a long way to before being ready for November finals, they were an amazing reminder of just how much I have learnt these past five years... just how far we've all come. It feels like in medicine we're always so focused on what's ahead of us, what more we need to know, need to study, that we hardly ever pause and look behind us to see just how far we've come. Maybe this is all part of the strange "eye-of-the-storm" calmness I've been feeling lately, but seriously, to quote a recent conversation I had with a friend of mind, life is Good.

[long overdue update!]

To elaborate on my previous blog, the last few weeks have been pretty intense... exhausting... intense. A couple weeks ago was the dreaded re-sit of my ortho test -- DUM DA DUM! It was on a Friday, and on the Tuesday a few days before the test I got really sick. Normally I'm not one to get sick much. I usually get that "prodromal" feeling the day before and so top up on paracetamol, warmth and good sleep to prevent it becoming a full blown cold, and that normally works. But because I was so stressed with ortho test looming in the background as well as DSAS Launch planning (and all that that entailed), I didn't get any sleep that night. Hence, full blown cold. And the combination of sore throat/cough/blocked nose with the stress of EVERYTHING meant I didn't get any sleep for three nights following. By the time ortho test finally rolled around I was a walking zombie. Maybe it was because I was so physically knackered that when it was finally time for the test I was pretty detached, distracted, which was a strange unexpected plus. Then, that weekend I just zonked out; being sick is always a little bit welcomed for me because (a.) it's a rarity, getting a full blown cold; and (b.) it gives me the opportunity to do absolutely nothing and THINK about absolutely nothing, sans the guilt! So a weekend of bed, dvds, (junk/random) food... which helped, not just with the being sick part but with LIFE on the whole.

I went straight on from "recovering" from ortho and being sick to finalising our DSAS Launch event the following Thursday which was (cue: sigh of BIG relief!) a success. We had over 250 students and 20+ surgeons show up which just completely exceeded our expectations. The Surgical Bingo! was also an absolute success and really was the perfect ice-breaker -- the students enjoyed running around, the surgeons enjoyed being approached and surrounded by wide-eyed students for the entire duration. One of the most satisfying feelings in life is when a fleeting thought, a random idea, burgeons and comes into fruition right before your eyes... my baby, the Bingo, lol. So DSAS is up and running, going really well, and I'm excited for some of the stuff we have planned especially for next year. We have one or two small events this upcoming last quarter but the timing kind of sucks since most of us on the committee are easing into exam study hibernation. Next year though we'll be all engines GO! with DSAS sponsored end-of-run food and drinks for the 4th years finishing their surgical rotation, social events, talks from registrars, suturing workshops + dinner (sponsored by surgical supply companies), and hopefully the first annual Suture King Competition! lol Lots of cool ideas, lots of opportunities to get this going really well. So despite some of the vocal critics in my class I'm happy with what we've achieved as a founding committee; despite how some people criticise and/or object to and/or distort what we're doing, I think at the end of the day if we get students more interested in or thinking about surgery, or even less than that, if we can just make the med school experience on the whole just a bit more fun and varied (as touched on by Prof's keynote address) then that's good enough for me. :)

Friday night was Class and Consultant dinner, which was great fun. Our fifth year class has gotten to know each other so well now; the majority of the class was there, with a good turn-out from the doctors/professors, the food delicious and a good time was had by all! I even came away with an award -- something I can *truly* be proud of, lol.

As we wrap up our second week of whole-class lectures, I remain in disbelief at how quickly this year has gone. Next week is mid-semester break; then I'll be flying up to Nelson for five weeks of rural GP; then... exams... then, before I know it, (God willing!) TI/sixth year. I'm not even nervous anymore -- I think I've reached that eye-of-the-storm place I get to when I finally realise there's not much more I can do. Yes I'm gonna keep studying intensely for the next 10 weeks but on the whole I think I'm beginning to realise that exams are basically here, and you know what? I'm gonna be just fine. I just need to keep on keepin' on and then before I know it, it'll all be over. See, what'd I tell you? Eye of the storm, baby, eye of the freakin' storm.

the precipice that is

You know when there's so much going on that it feels like there's absolutely no way of expressing or conveying to anyone the state of your mind and your life? A place that keeps you held teetering on the precipice, unable to move forward over the edge yet at the same time unable to take a step back? Much like the spine of a person whose paravertebral muscles have gone into spasm at once, held perfectly straight, perfectly still. Call me dramatic, call me crazy, but that's how I would describe my fifth year of med school in a nutshell. All I know is come November I can confidently say that this past year I've had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows... but I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess, ultimately, it's just who I am.

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to gain mighty triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither gain much nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory or defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

firefighters cutting off the roof of a car, et al

Today was better.

In the morning my group went to the Fire Station where they simulated a big Motor Vehicle Accident (MVA). The scenario was that we, a group of med students on our way to some school-related event, are first on the scene of a big road accident out in the country. They had real cars, passengers (actors) with cuts, (fake) blood, and varying degrees of injury, glass and debris everywhere, and a random drunk spectator (actor) causing trouble. Actual firefighters and ambulance officers came along about ten minutes later (after we "called" for help) and they were completely in character, the firefighters taking the roof off the cars in the end to get our patients out.

It was actually pretty scary. When we first arrived I think the seven of us just stood there for half a minute completely unsure of what to do or how to proceed; we all just froze. And then got into it because we had no other choice. I definitely (a.) freaked out, (b.) made plenty of mistakes and (c.) had no idea what I was doing the entire time, but the whole experience was just too cool because I learnt so much. Even though it was simulated, it was amazing how realistic the whole thing felt and how real my response was -- I was, at times, overwhelmingly scared! And the whole experience highlighted the importance of STAYING CALM -- and just how hard it is to do. But going through that in a semi-controlled, simulated environment was incredibly helpful and now I feel like if I do come across a situation like that in real life I might be able to actually think things through and respond.


Another full-on 9+hour day, with the MVA Simulation in the morning, non-stop ophthalmology clinic all afternoon, then DSAS Committee Meeting from 5.30 - 6.30pm, but... today was better... in general. I might even be up for some ophthalmology study tonight.

But first, some tea.

today was one of those days...

Today was one of those days when you literally have no idea what the weather was like because you didn't leave the hospital for nine hours and there didn't seem to be many windows around.

Today was one of those days when you're so tired you find yourself teetering between mania and depression, where you find yourself fighting the urge to get into the fetal position by being overtly silly to your classmates who look back at you strangely.

Today was one of those days you actually find yourself enjoying what you're learning and it completely catches you off guard because it's been so long since it's happened last you've almost forgotten what that felt like.

Today was one of those days when the highlight of your day was discovering the $5 gourmet sandwiches at New World, but feel disgustingly full afterwards, regret coming in at a close second.

Today was one of those days when walking to your car you can't help but wrap your arms around the traffic post as you wait for the little man to turn green, cos with every step you're haemorrhaging the will to keep walking.

Today was one of those days when you get home and realise you spent almost ten hours at school/work but can't seem to remember what you actually did and, what's worse, feel like you've achieved very little, if anything at all.

Today was one of those days when you find yourself wondering what the hell you're doing, or how you're going to survive three more months of whatever this is.

... but it's okay cos tomorrow might be different.

(Fin. Shower. Sleep. Bed.)

siestas? half days? three-day work weeks??

Wrapping up the year with 11 weeks of General Practice (i.e. Family Practice medicine) is truly a God-send. My Public Health rotation finished in a bit of blur, with cramming for the test (unnecessary in hindsight) and spending most of my what would have been a relaxing weekend writing a 2,500 word study design instead.

Yesterday was my first day at the General Practice I've been assigned to, located way out on the Peninsula about a half an hour's drive along the harbour. Golly miss molly the drive out there is BEAUTIFUL. I was a bit skeptical initially, given the petrol that would be involved and the fact that the drive out there is quite tortuous. The narrow road twists and turns and follows right along the water with a speed limit of 70km/hr -- a scary drive for a relatively novice driver. However all woes were forgotten as soon as I headed out, with the view of the harbour ahead, the sun glistening off the water, glowing on to the majestic green hills so quintessentially New Zealand. Starting your work day with half an hour to yourself, surrounded by this surreal and gorgeous view, really does put things into glorious perspective.

The medicine itself is pretty fun: the nature of GP keeps you on your toes, with a diverse range of clinical problems and scenarios and people. The doctor I'm with is LOVELY, calm and articulate, laid back and kind. It's a tiny practice, rural in feel, servicing a small, close-knit community. They have one receptionist who leaves at 5pm on the dot regardless of whether there are patients left in the waiting room or not, and one part-time nurse. My doctor comes in at 10am, works till noon-ish, goes home for lunch, then back by 3pm for another couple of hours. And this "full day" is only on Mondays and Fridays: he works just the afternoon on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and has Wednesdays off! What a life, huh? I'm looking forward to heading back for more sessions throughout the next few weeks, I really am. I didn't think I'd enjoy GP this much. Not that I could ever be a GP, but as a rotation for med school it's pretty sweet going.

Plus, relatively more free time! Most evenings, it looks like, I'll have off for slow but steady exam study. And today I even had a chunk of time around lunch to go for a hefty run, yay! It was unusually warm -- that pre-rain warm breeze -- which made for a particularly enjoyable hour. :) Feel refreshed, tired, and sleepy. I'm in for a good solid sleep tonight!

All in all, I feel like things are starting to look up a bit, after a semester and three weeks of craziness and a certain degree of breaking-of-my-spirit. Things are looking up, kid! Things are looking up...

the night my heart glowed with joy

My birthday has come and gone and it's kind of hard to believe how perfect it turned out to be. More than the occasion, the event, the place, the money, the weather, the time, it's the people around you that make all the difference. And on Thursday night, each individual person who came to my 22nd had a way of making my heart GLOW. :) That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call the natural high which comes with overwhelming contentment.

Having Kirsty there really was the cherry on top of the cake, and I know it wouldn't have come close to being the awesome, perfect night it was without her there playing "host," making sure everything was going well and everyone was happy. More than that, I am so glad my family -- parents and sister -- could come share in the evening with my friends; it was the meeting and marrying of the two groups of people in my life who together "make my joy complete."

In the midst of life and all the craziness that comes with it, it seems I've managed to surround myself with the most lovely, beautiful, amazing, brilliant people: friends of the past, present, and times to come. What an incredible feat that is in and of itself! At the end of the day it is those passing conversations, seemingly insignificant moments, the glance, a look, a thought shared between those you love that is the measure of a life fully lived. And my cup, in that way, abounds. Not too shabby for 22 years. :)

Twenty-two... yikes. Strange as it is to admit it feels like a real milestone. More than 18 or 21, Thursday night felt like a real turning point in my life. I think it was looking back on how far I've come, the people surrounding me, and the fact that I'm no longer "21" but now "in my twenties." It really feels like the end of an era.

to the woman who gave life to me 21 years and 363 days ago

Mum walking into my room, mid-brushing teeth: "Anna! Happy birthday!!"

Me, staring at her blankly: "Mum... my birthday's not until Friday. It's Wednesday..."

Mum: [pause, cue: confusion] "...oooh... Your sister's birthday is on an 8th. I got confused. Nevermind, nevermind!"


Thanks, Mother! After 22 years you still get my birthday mixed up. LoL I wouldn't expect anything else.

definitely, maybe (but more definitely, less maybe)

There's this scene in the movie "Definitely, Maybe" which is completely insignificant in the context of the film, but one which I can't seem to get out of my mind lately. It's near the end of the movie when Ryan Reynold's character, after finally signing his divorce papers, comes to see Isla Fisher's character, April. After a string of part-time jobs, travelling and generally living out her twenties with an utter lack of direction, April ends up going to grad school and, when Ryan Reynolds comes to visit her at her office all those years later, she's working at Amnesty International headquarters in New York City. And that one scene which I can't seem to get out of my head is when he enters the foyer and sees her walking down the corridor with a cup of tea in hand, mid-discussion, and he just watches her for a few seconds.

I've been trying to figure out why I seem to be replaying this one particular scene over and over in my mind lately. It's got absolutely nothing to do with the movie itself, the plot or the romance. It's that moment when she's walking down the corridor of this international organisation and, after years of misdirected passion and energy, she's finally at the place she wants to be, doing the work she is fully invested in... Years from now I know there will come a moment when I am walking down the corridor of this international organisation in New York City with a cup of tea in hand, mid-discussion, and for a split second that scene will come to mind... and I know I'll have this incredible sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and purpose, knowing I'm at the place I've always wanted to be, doing the work I am fully invested in, with all my passion and energy, heart and soul. And I'll smile. Because that will be a good day.

so that's what sunlight feels like!

Week 1 of 3 of my Public Health rotation. There is a part of me who can't help but feel guilty for leaving the house when there's light outside. Nine A.M. starts, two P.M. finishes: it's such an unusual treat! Unusual, but most welcomed. A good balance between busy but not exhausting.

Evidently I enjoy Public Health much more than most of my classmates. Plus I'm actively trying to pay a little more attention than I would by default because I know that these fundamental skills will be relevant in my future studies/career. The further I progress in my medical studies the evermore confident I become that Public Health/Policy is what I want to get into, regardless of the clinical specialty I'll train in, because I really am more of a "Big Picture" type of thinker-- and that's where all the excitement is! Developing world medicine, NGOs, health in the context of social justice...

In the midst of a friendly classroom debate/discussion about tobacco control, I was reminded today of just how much I miss having that fiery passion about a cause. I look forward to when I can channel that kind of energy once again, with the knowledge, skills and experience to really back it up. :)

just friends... really, Anna?

I watched Transformers 2 last night and man, I enjoyed it waaaay too much. Or rather, way more than what is probably appropriate for a woman my age... and seemingly way more than the six-year-old boy sitting next to me in the theatre because I got all he got out of it and then some. It was all that Good verses Evil jazz, Justice, Loyalty, Love, Sacrifice... all things that leave you feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I know they're only robots and whatnot, but come on, Optimus Prime is just too cool. So that made my Saturday night! :) I love a good warm-and-fuzzy blockbluster as much as a thought-provoking artsy indie film; there is a season for everything, yeah?

On another note, a chance conversation during my weekend in Auckland has led to, what has ultimately become, that final push I needed to get back to God. And it just rocks. Man, I missed him. As it turns out one of the Exec members is a Christian and, almost in passing, he shared with me a website which has been invaluable for me. I'm beginning to realise that being a 20-something Christian single is not easy and presents in and of itself its own set of unique challenges and dare I say struggles which I had never really given much thought to before.

I was not expecting my weekend in Auckland to have, what has turned out to be, such a significant effect on my growth as a Christian -- God sure does work in unexpected (but very cool) ways. It wasn't until I started reading some of those articles on the website that I realised a huge part of the difficulties I've been having in my Christian walk this past year has actually been, drum-roll please!, about relationships and guys. It's definitely been quite eye-opening trying to be honest with myself, holding up that mirror and forcing myself to examine those (not-so-healthy, not-so-Biblical) thought-processes which, unbeknownst to me, have become embedded into my thinking somewhere along the line.


Some food for thought (an excerpt from "Just Friends"):

"Intimate friendships between men and women almost always produce confusion and frustration for at least one of the parties involved. Close friendships by their very nature tend to involve extensive time talking and hanging out one-on-one. They tend to involve a deep knowledge of the other person's hopes, desires and personality. They tend to involve the sharing of many aspects of each other's daily lives and routines. In other words, they tend to involve much of the type of intimacy and companionship involved in — and meant for — marriage.

And yet, even with all this deep communication going on, at least one aspect of these friendships inherently involves a mixed message. No matter how clearly one or both of you have defined what's happening as "just friends," your actions are constantly saying "I enjoy being with you and interacting with you in a way that suggests marriage (or at least romantic attraction)."

The simple reality (of which most people are aware, whether they admit it or not) is that in the vast majority of these types of relationships, one of the parties involved either began the "friendship" with romantic feelings for the other person or develops them along the way. Either way, that person is now hanging on to the "friendship" in the hope of getting something more despite the "clear words" from the other person that he or she wants nothing beyond friendship.

To the extent that one person's romantic feelings have been clearly articulated to the other (and were met with an unfavorable response), to continue in some no-man's land of "good friends," is arguably to take selfish advantage of the vulnerable party. Yes, I know, the other person is an adult who is free and responsible to walk away if he or she is so unsatisfied, but like it or not, it tends not to work that way. Hope springs eternal, whether it should or not.

And that's the "clear" scenario. What if one person develops romantic feelings in a friendship in which no "clear words" have been spoken, such that the desires of the other person are a mystery? Especially if it's the woman in this position (as seems to be the case more often than not), she will likely feel that if she pushes for something more than friendship, she may lose the interaction and companionship she currently has. Still, given her desire for a husband — and perhaps to have this man as her husband — the status quo of "just really good friends but nothing more for some odd reason" will leave her unsatisfied, frustrated, and confused. I have seen and heard and read of such frustration and hurt playing out many times over."

if you could have dinner with one person, dead or alive...

Chopin's nocturnes has long been my "the one CD if I was stranded on a desert island," but today I've further decided if I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would also be Chopin. I have no idea what I would say or ask. I just want to know what kind of person could hear in their minds and subsequently create what I firmly believe to be... perfection. Every time I listen to Chopin's nocturnes it makes me feel like I could die right there and then, and thought by thought, breath by breath, float away into the misty abyss.

I blame the rain... but not really

This morning I had driven halfway down my street, headed for a day at the library for the first time this holiday, when I suddenly found myself doing a U-Turn back home.

It was too cold. And it just started raining.

So... countermotivatory. Yes, I realise not an actual word but it sums it up quite perfectly.

I ended up going to the video store for a chick flick fest!

Maybe the studying will work out tomorrow... maybe I'll actually make it to the library. One can only hope.

Exhausted. Hello, Bedforshire!

Another full-on weekend with NZMSA Exec face-to-face up in Auckland. After the initial novelty of flying across the country for work wears off, you start to realise how tiring these (what essentially are) business meetings really are. Both Saturday and Sunday are completely taken up by the meeting and Saturday night is the Exec dinner, so you're not left with any free time at all. I took a teeny bit of study to do just in case I had an opportunity to sit down and do some reading for a couple hours, but alas the chance never came up. The quality sister-sister time was awesome though and helped me forget just how exhausted I was. Plus, I got to catch up with another good friend of mine who coincidentally happened to be in Auckland at the time as well; a lot of reflecting on the 22-years-old-ness of our lives, lol. One thing I need to work on: less coffee. These weekends are always a painful reminder that I am one of those coffee drinkers.

Domestic travel in NZ is almost unbearable though, especially when you live right at the bottom of the country. I left Kirsty's place in the city at 7.45am this morning and got home by 1pm; with delays and connecting flights, it took me five+ hours for a trip that would have taken an hour on a direct flight. Oi. The things we do to save money.


I hate that I'm already well in to the second half of my break. I haven't achieved nearly as much as I had planned/need to, but what's worse is I don't really feel that refreshed either; I feel like I've been working and working, but have achieved little at all. *sigh* Not to mention catching up with the Exec always has a way of making me feel like I don't work nearly as hard as I should... which has me on the verge of catastrophising once again about the end of the year, but I am determined not to let this mind game get the better of me: no more of this defeatist attitude! No more!

a vet, a teacher, a preacher, an elder and a Filipino catholic

"There was a man that lived by a river. One day he heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town and that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, 'I’m religious, I pray, God loves me, God will save me.'

The waters rose up; a guy in a row-boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey hey you! You in there! The town is flooding, let me take you to safety.' But the man shouted back, 'I’m religious, I pray, God loves me, God will save me.'

A helicopter was hovering overhead, and a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there! The town is flooding, let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety.' But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him, and that God would take him to safety.

Well, the man drowned. And standing at the gates of Saint Peter, he demanded an audience with God. 'Lord,' he said, 'I’m a religious man. I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?' God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter and a guy in a row-boat. What the hell are you doing here?' "

- The parable of The Man In The Flood, as told by Aaron Sorkin/West Wing


It dawned on me today that I am this man by the river. Last year I struggled spiritually as I lived my life in avoidance of God, big time, letting myself willfully push Him out of my life "just for a little while." Well, a little while turned in to a long freakin' while, and I knew by the start of this year that I couldn't keep living without Him; I couldn't keep pushing Him out because I was just not whole, not right, not myself, not complete; because my life, without Him, lost Purpose, and Power, and Hope.

It's been more than a few months since I reached that conclusion, and I have found a church which I really enjoy and have started to attend regularly with another friend of mine. And yet... there still is this... emptiness. And I keep asking myself why I still feel so... lost, and dry, and alone; why I still can't feel or sense or... I dunno... tacitly KNOW God's presence in my daily life; why I still feel like I'm missing that Joy and Peace I used to revel in each day when I was so right with God. I keep thinking, wondering, asking people around me... Why isn't God reaching out to me? Why isn't He fixing whatever this is? Why isn't He removing whatever it is that continues to obstruct and obscure and darken my path to Him? Why isn't He reaching out to me?

It suddenly dawned on me this morning that I am the man by the river.

I am that man, demanding an audience with God to say to Him, "I was so willing to live my life for you, Lord, so willing. And yet you never reached out to me. For a while you were so real in my life, you were so present, and strong, and powerful, and you quenched my every thirst, you provided my every need. You filled me with that indescribable joy and peace and love. You glowed inside of me, and through You, helped me to shine. And I know I pushed you away for a while; I know I avoided you and ran away for the World. But why when I called for you again, why when I wanted to come back to you, why did you not reach out to me? Why??"

It suddenly dawned on me this morning, God is replying, "How many of your beautiful brothers and sisters did I send you over that time? How many followers of my Son, Jesus Christ, did I send you over the year, those months, to encourage you and share that love and joy? How many times did you leave in envy of that joy they had, not realising it was for you? And when you kept crying out, did I not send you a vet, a teacher, a preacher, a Korean elder and a Filipino Catholic?"

I am that man by the river. And I think it's time for me to stop.

I cannot believe how much it snowed!

(FYI This was just the beginning!)

Yay for midyear break!

Nine hours sleep. Check.

Run. Check.

Loooong, hot shower. Check.

It's been an awesomely productive weekend, mopping up those random, tidbit tasks that have been looming at the back of my mind for way too long. I went to see the doctor about my shocking peripheral circulation (or lack thereof) especially during the winter; went to see the optometrist -- finally! -- for my monocular myopia (not kidding! lol); CLEANED MY ROOM which was, hands down, the most disgusting and disorganised it has been in a very long time (reflecting my recent state of mind which made it even more depressing); met up with my OSCE study group to lay out a Study POA (Plan of Attack!) for the half-year lead-up to finals; and got organised for some serious ortho revision/swatting during my break.

Saturday night a friend of mine came over for dinner and dvds -- Primal Fear, gooooood movie. Two thoughts: 1. basically, Edward Norton still rocks my world, and 2. Richard Gere has the smallest eyes ever, especially for a white guy. Yesterday afternoon after our OSCE schindig I went to go watch the movie Good, starring Viggo Mortensen and Jason Issacs. I definitely have mixed feelings about the movie because it wasn't quite what I expected (the trailer was more Hollywoodised than the actual plot turned out to be) and I found the ending to be unresolved, though I hazard a guess that they did this on purpose. I hadn't realised it was based on a stage play which explains a lot. Viggo Mortensen was great though, albeit a bit creepy-guy looking (I think it was his hair), and Jason Isaacs... *swoon*... I have loved him since Armageddon!

So break's going well thus far. Sleeping, running, relaxing, reading a very, very good book (War Child, by Emmanual Jar), with (hopefully) a bit of study sprinkled here and there.

in true Meredith Grey voice-over fashion

Excerpt from my essay for Professional Development (aka: Thought Provoking Episode Response):

"The funny thing about med school, and a career in medicine, is that for a group of people who are extraordinarily intelligent and hard-working most of us struggle to see ourselves as anything remotely close to how we are perceived by those around us. We have entered into a field of study, and work, that everyday reminds us of our own limitations, limitations we struggle to accept. Every day, every test, every assessment, we are reminded that we do not know it all, and yet there is a part of us that tells ourselves we should; everyday we are reminded we cannot do it all, and yet there is a part of us that thinks we should; everyday we are reminded we will not be able to save everyone, and yet there is a part of us that tell ourselves we must.

What have I learnt from this experience? I am not infallible. I cannot do it all. And though I have theoretically known that I have limitations, I have realised through this experience that there was a part of me who thought I could do it all so long as I worked hard enough… so long as I worked hard enough. That is what I kept telling myself. And with that I know I came *this* close to burning out five months into my fifth year of med school. I also learnt how to ask for help from my classmates, my OSCE study group and my friends who let me talk out my stress, my sadness, my worries, and at the same time challenged me to prioritise my wellbeing.

I knew this year would be difficult, but there is a part of me who feels guilty for struggling because ultimately didn’t I bring it on myself? But I have learnt it doesn’t matter why or how I’ve reached this place of near burn out, what matters is I have, and to respond, which I have been doing. I have resigned from the Journal, asked for help from various people, and begun to reorientate myself for the half year ahead.

As I progress throughout my career I know I will always be the kind of person to push myself, that is just who I am. However I have learnt I really do have limitations… and that it is okay to ask for help when I find I have pushed myself a little too far."

what older sisters are for

"But I feel like I'm drowning in this limitless five-dimensional shit pool..."

"So just swim out of it!"

"But I don't know how!!!"

"Just start swimming. Just start swimming and soon you'll only be knee deep, which is normal for you."

"Okay."

"And buy yourself a bag of chocolate Oreo's."

"Okay."

(a picture is worth a thousand words)

This basically sums up how I was (am still kind of) feeling yesterday after I failed something for the first time in med school ever. Theoretically, low point, but after going through what in hindsight seems a lot like my own brand of the five stages of grief (30s denial, 5mins anger, 30s bargaining, 5mins depression, + hour of mania) I got over it.

Plus two of my best friends/flatmates, aka my parents, knew I wasn't feeling that great so insisted we go for a drive to the beach this morning. Despite the weather predictions of horribleness and snow, it is unbelievably gorgeous today and there was not a cloud in sight; and the newly discovered walk they took me on was just... paradise. It surely put things -- life, this not so good week -- into ridiculously awesome, gloriously eternal perspective.

In the grand scheme of life, death and the stretch of Time, yesterday doesn't even factor in as a micro-blip. So that's that.