just friends... really, Anna?

I watched Transformers 2 last night and man, I enjoyed it waaaay too much. Or rather, way more than what is probably appropriate for a woman my age... and seemingly way more than the six-year-old boy sitting next to me in the theatre because I got all he got out of it and then some. It was all that Good verses Evil jazz, Justice, Loyalty, Love, Sacrifice... all things that leave you feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I know they're only robots and whatnot, but come on, Optimus Prime is just too cool. So that made my Saturday night! :) I love a good warm-and-fuzzy blockbluster as much as a thought-provoking artsy indie film; there is a season for everything, yeah?

On another note, a chance conversation during my weekend in Auckland has led to, what has ultimately become, that final push I needed to get back to God. And it just rocks. Man, I missed him. As it turns out one of the Exec members is a Christian and, almost in passing, he shared with me a website which has been invaluable for me. I'm beginning to realise that being a 20-something Christian single is not easy and presents in and of itself its own set of unique challenges and dare I say struggles which I had never really given much thought to before.

I was not expecting my weekend in Auckland to have, what has turned out to be, such a significant effect on my growth as a Christian -- God sure does work in unexpected (but very cool) ways. It wasn't until I started reading some of those articles on the website that I realised a huge part of the difficulties I've been having in my Christian walk this past year has actually been, drum-roll please!, about relationships and guys. It's definitely been quite eye-opening trying to be honest with myself, holding up that mirror and forcing myself to examine those (not-so-healthy, not-so-Biblical) thought-processes which, unbeknownst to me, have become embedded into my thinking somewhere along the line.


Some food for thought (an excerpt from "Just Friends"):

"Intimate friendships between men and women almost always produce confusion and frustration for at least one of the parties involved. Close friendships by their very nature tend to involve extensive time talking and hanging out one-on-one. They tend to involve a deep knowledge of the other person's hopes, desires and personality. They tend to involve the sharing of many aspects of each other's daily lives and routines. In other words, they tend to involve much of the type of intimacy and companionship involved in — and meant for — marriage.

And yet, even with all this deep communication going on, at least one aspect of these friendships inherently involves a mixed message. No matter how clearly one or both of you have defined what's happening as "just friends," your actions are constantly saying "I enjoy being with you and interacting with you in a way that suggests marriage (or at least romantic attraction)."

The simple reality (of which most people are aware, whether they admit it or not) is that in the vast majority of these types of relationships, one of the parties involved either began the "friendship" with romantic feelings for the other person or develops them along the way. Either way, that person is now hanging on to the "friendship" in the hope of getting something more despite the "clear words" from the other person that he or she wants nothing beyond friendship.

To the extent that one person's romantic feelings have been clearly articulated to the other (and were met with an unfavorable response), to continue in some no-man's land of "good friends," is arguably to take selfish advantage of the vulnerable party. Yes, I know, the other person is an adult who is free and responsible to walk away if he or she is so unsatisfied, but like it or not, it tends not to work that way. Hope springs eternal, whether it should or not.

And that's the "clear" scenario. What if one person develops romantic feelings in a friendship in which no "clear words" have been spoken, such that the desires of the other person are a mystery? Especially if it's the woman in this position (as seems to be the case more often than not), she will likely feel that if she pushes for something more than friendship, she may lose the interaction and companionship she currently has. Still, given her desire for a husband — and perhaps to have this man as her husband — the status quo of "just really good friends but nothing more for some odd reason" will leave her unsatisfied, frustrated, and confused. I have seen and heard and read of such frustration and hurt playing out many times over."

if you could have dinner with one person, dead or alive...

Chopin's nocturnes has long been my "the one CD if I was stranded on a desert island," but today I've further decided if I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would also be Chopin. I have no idea what I would say or ask. I just want to know what kind of person could hear in their minds and subsequently create what I firmly believe to be... perfection. Every time I listen to Chopin's nocturnes it makes me feel like I could die right there and then, and thought by thought, breath by breath, float away into the misty abyss.

I blame the rain... but not really

This morning I had driven halfway down my street, headed for a day at the library for the first time this holiday, when I suddenly found myself doing a U-Turn back home.

It was too cold. And it just started raining.

So... countermotivatory. Yes, I realise not an actual word but it sums it up quite perfectly.

I ended up going to the video store for a chick flick fest!

Maybe the studying will work out tomorrow... maybe I'll actually make it to the library. One can only hope.

Exhausted. Hello, Bedforshire!

Another full-on weekend with NZMSA Exec face-to-face up in Auckland. After the initial novelty of flying across the country for work wears off, you start to realise how tiring these (what essentially are) business meetings really are. Both Saturday and Sunday are completely taken up by the meeting and Saturday night is the Exec dinner, so you're not left with any free time at all. I took a teeny bit of study to do just in case I had an opportunity to sit down and do some reading for a couple hours, but alas the chance never came up. The quality sister-sister time was awesome though and helped me forget just how exhausted I was. Plus, I got to catch up with another good friend of mine who coincidentally happened to be in Auckland at the time as well; a lot of reflecting on the 22-years-old-ness of our lives, lol. One thing I need to work on: less coffee. These weekends are always a painful reminder that I am one of those coffee drinkers.

Domestic travel in NZ is almost unbearable though, especially when you live right at the bottom of the country. I left Kirsty's place in the city at 7.45am this morning and got home by 1pm; with delays and connecting flights, it took me five+ hours for a trip that would have taken an hour on a direct flight. Oi. The things we do to save money.


I hate that I'm already well in to the second half of my break. I haven't achieved nearly as much as I had planned/need to, but what's worse is I don't really feel that refreshed either; I feel like I've been working and working, but have achieved little at all. *sigh* Not to mention catching up with the Exec always has a way of making me feel like I don't work nearly as hard as I should... which has me on the verge of catastrophising once again about the end of the year, but I am determined not to let this mind game get the better of me: no more of this defeatist attitude! No more!

a vet, a teacher, a preacher, an elder and a Filipino catholic

"There was a man that lived by a river. One day he heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town and that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, 'I’m religious, I pray, God loves me, God will save me.'

The waters rose up; a guy in a row-boat came along and he shouted, 'Hey hey you! You in there! The town is flooding, let me take you to safety.' But the man shouted back, 'I’m religious, I pray, God loves me, God will save me.'

A helicopter was hovering overhead, and a guy with a megaphone shouted, 'Hey you, you down there! The town is flooding, let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety.' But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him, and that God would take him to safety.

Well, the man drowned. And standing at the gates of Saint Peter, he demanded an audience with God. 'Lord,' he said, 'I’m a religious man. I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?' God said, 'I sent you a radio report, a helicopter and a guy in a row-boat. What the hell are you doing here?' "

- The parable of The Man In The Flood, as told by Aaron Sorkin/West Wing


It dawned on me today that I am this man by the river. Last year I struggled spiritually as I lived my life in avoidance of God, big time, letting myself willfully push Him out of my life "just for a little while." Well, a little while turned in to a long freakin' while, and I knew by the start of this year that I couldn't keep living without Him; I couldn't keep pushing Him out because I was just not whole, not right, not myself, not complete; because my life, without Him, lost Purpose, and Power, and Hope.

It's been more than a few months since I reached that conclusion, and I have found a church which I really enjoy and have started to attend regularly with another friend of mine. And yet... there still is this... emptiness. And I keep asking myself why I still feel so... lost, and dry, and alone; why I still can't feel or sense or... I dunno... tacitly KNOW God's presence in my daily life; why I still feel like I'm missing that Joy and Peace I used to revel in each day when I was so right with God. I keep thinking, wondering, asking people around me... Why isn't God reaching out to me? Why isn't He fixing whatever this is? Why isn't He removing whatever it is that continues to obstruct and obscure and darken my path to Him? Why isn't He reaching out to me?

It suddenly dawned on me this morning that I am the man by the river.

I am that man, demanding an audience with God to say to Him, "I was so willing to live my life for you, Lord, so willing. And yet you never reached out to me. For a while you were so real in my life, you were so present, and strong, and powerful, and you quenched my every thirst, you provided my every need. You filled me with that indescribable joy and peace and love. You glowed inside of me, and through You, helped me to shine. And I know I pushed you away for a while; I know I avoided you and ran away for the World. But why when I called for you again, why when I wanted to come back to you, why did you not reach out to me? Why??"

It suddenly dawned on me this morning, God is replying, "How many of your beautiful brothers and sisters did I send you over that time? How many followers of my Son, Jesus Christ, did I send you over the year, those months, to encourage you and share that love and joy? How many times did you leave in envy of that joy they had, not realising it was for you? And when you kept crying out, did I not send you a vet, a teacher, a preacher, a Korean elder and a Filipino Catholic?"

I am that man by the river. And I think it's time for me to stop.

I cannot believe how much it snowed!

(FYI This was just the beginning!)

Yay for midyear break!

Nine hours sleep. Check.

Run. Check.

Loooong, hot shower. Check.

It's been an awesomely productive weekend, mopping up those random, tidbit tasks that have been looming at the back of my mind for way too long. I went to see the doctor about my shocking peripheral circulation (or lack thereof) especially during the winter; went to see the optometrist -- finally! -- for my monocular myopia (not kidding! lol); CLEANED MY ROOM which was, hands down, the most disgusting and disorganised it has been in a very long time (reflecting my recent state of mind which made it even more depressing); met up with my OSCE study group to lay out a Study POA (Plan of Attack!) for the half-year lead-up to finals; and got organised for some serious ortho revision/swatting during my break.

Saturday night a friend of mine came over for dinner and dvds -- Primal Fear, gooooood movie. Two thoughts: 1. basically, Edward Norton still rocks my world, and 2. Richard Gere has the smallest eyes ever, especially for a white guy. Yesterday afternoon after our OSCE schindig I went to go watch the movie Good, starring Viggo Mortensen and Jason Issacs. I definitely have mixed feelings about the movie because it wasn't quite what I expected (the trailer was more Hollywoodised than the actual plot turned out to be) and I found the ending to be unresolved, though I hazard a guess that they did this on purpose. I hadn't realised it was based on a stage play which explains a lot. Viggo Mortensen was great though, albeit a bit creepy-guy looking (I think it was his hair), and Jason Isaacs... *swoon*... I have loved him since Armageddon!

So break's going well thus far. Sleeping, running, relaxing, reading a very, very good book (War Child, by Emmanual Jar), with (hopefully) a bit of study sprinkled here and there.

in true Meredith Grey voice-over fashion

Excerpt from my essay for Professional Development (aka: Thought Provoking Episode Response):

"The funny thing about med school, and a career in medicine, is that for a group of people who are extraordinarily intelligent and hard-working most of us struggle to see ourselves as anything remotely close to how we are perceived by those around us. We have entered into a field of study, and work, that everyday reminds us of our own limitations, limitations we struggle to accept. Every day, every test, every assessment, we are reminded that we do not know it all, and yet there is a part of us that tells ourselves we should; everyday we are reminded we cannot do it all, and yet there is a part of us that thinks we should; everyday we are reminded we will not be able to save everyone, and yet there is a part of us that tell ourselves we must.

What have I learnt from this experience? I am not infallible. I cannot do it all. And though I have theoretically known that I have limitations, I have realised through this experience that there was a part of me who thought I could do it all so long as I worked hard enough… so long as I worked hard enough. That is what I kept telling myself. And with that I know I came *this* close to burning out five months into my fifth year of med school. I also learnt how to ask for help from my classmates, my OSCE study group and my friends who let me talk out my stress, my sadness, my worries, and at the same time challenged me to prioritise my wellbeing.

I knew this year would be difficult, but there is a part of me who feels guilty for struggling because ultimately didn’t I bring it on myself? But I have learnt it doesn’t matter why or how I’ve reached this place of near burn out, what matters is I have, and to respond, which I have been doing. I have resigned from the Journal, asked for help from various people, and begun to reorientate myself for the half year ahead.

As I progress throughout my career I know I will always be the kind of person to push myself, that is just who I am. However I have learnt I really do have limitations… and that it is okay to ask for help when I find I have pushed myself a little too far."

what older sisters are for

"But I feel like I'm drowning in this limitless five-dimensional shit pool..."

"So just swim out of it!"

"But I don't know how!!!"

"Just start swimming. Just start swimming and soon you'll only be knee deep, which is normal for you."

"Okay."

"And buy yourself a bag of chocolate Oreo's."

"Okay."