My first weekend "off" in over a month, with no big plans, travelling or assignments due, and it's been fantasmic! Despite the cold, dreary weather, it's been so great waking up to natural light instead of my awful synthetic cellphone alarm-clock, getting some quality pyjama-time, and taking things easy for once. A well earned slowing of pace, I think. :)
Had time for a good run with my marathon-running-but-ever-so-patient running buddy, despite getting drenched with rain for the first ten minutes or so. But whoa for a sense of accomplishment because before I knew it I had run all the way up our usual hill without even considering slowing down -- the first time that's happened, ever! I think I was pretty distracted with the talking though, lol, but I definitely had that increase in fitness to back it up which is sooooo incredibly cool and satisfying. I always have so much fun on our runs.
Even snuck in dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine last night. We've both been so busy lately and things have been so intense during our respective weeks, so we decided to do a fun, light-hearted movie -- Confessions of a Shopaholic (cos I love Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy!) which was exactly what I was in the mood for -- followed by Mexican, a glass of Riesling and some pretty awesome conversation. Yay!
Things, school-wise, are slowing down a tiny bit which is nice. Two more weeks of Paediatrics left, mainly outpatient clinics, etc., but that means I have NINE DAYS to study everything there is to know about Paeds before our assessments next Friday. Yikes! I foresee some quality textbook time in the next few days. I'm excited to get some of that studying done though, because it'll dampen those feelings of utter inadequacy I've been experiencing these past few weeks; and plus, the faster the time passes, the closer it'll be to my weekend in Auckland! Next NZMSA Exec meeting is in two weekends time, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with my oh so crazy, black-sheep sister! :P
Other than that, life seems to be getting a bit better this past week. To be completely honest, I've been struggling signifcantly in my walk with Christ for almost a year, maybe longer. For a whole host of reasons really... for the first time in five years I stopped going to church last August... and I've been on a kind of self-imposed exile from God. I think I just got so tired and run-down with constantly analysing everything, every thought, every reaction, every word, and for once I said to myself, surely I can just take a break from it all without denying what I know to be True, without it affecting my Faith. So for the first time in my life I just stopped thinking. And I just let myself BE. Whatever. Say whatever. React however. And not analyse it, or feel guilty about this or that. For once, join in with the venting, and partake in the gossip. Maybe not so outwardly, but inside I allowed myself to judge and think these negative, self-righteous things... And I was fine. For months and months. Life didn't fall apart without God in my day. I chugged along as I normally do. And even as fifth year started up, it was all good. And sure, it even became fun joining in increasingly with the ways of the world, in my heart and in my actions. Then the whole NZMSA thing happened, which was fantastic. I was--no, I am becoming more and more the person I hope to be, more and more successful in the eyes of the world, in exactly the kind of way I want to be... And yet, it was really strange because last week, kind of out of the blue, I started to get this feeling of... powerlessness. I'm on this fast-track to becoming a doctor, I'm getting involved in "big" organizations that deal with "big-scale" decisions impacting so many people... and yet, I became increasingly aware of the fact that nothing I did had any power, that power to affect people's lives in the most fundamental, simple, direct way. When my day is Christ-centered, there is this ineffeable knowledge that every word, every smile, every action, every potential good is soooo powerful; sharing the Love and Joy and Peace of God... there is Power in that. Even when I bake, sure I enjoy baking, but it takes a lot of time out of an already busy day and I'm not driven to bake by "enjoyment"... I know that when I bake and share it with people around me it's one opportunity to share that Love with them, and whether they realise it or not, that's the love of Christ. And there is Power in that. And I guess I thought I could still have that, I could still do that, despite my self-imposed "break" from God. It's not like I stopped believing in Him... I justified as, "I just need some time."
But I've always known that Faith isn't just knowledge... it's what follows, it's our response. How can I say I love God and am a follower of Christ, when I don't spend any time with Him or aren't willing to give up anything for Him? How can you say you love anyone, if you don't talk to them or want to spend time with them? It's illogical and flawed at the most basic level! And yet I chose just not to think about it... and there I was there, doing "fine," succeeding, but living with this huge hypocrisy which I knew but chose to ignore.
It's almost unbelievable how everytime I fall from Christ I become this really ugly person inside. Outwardly appearances may not change, and to be completely honest, I can "fake" Christian... I know that sounds horrible, but it's true; I know what to say, how to react, I know the theory... I know how to "be" Christian... yet I also know the truth that's in my heart. And without Christ that truth is so ugly; I know my heart starts to rot away, I've been there before. And this time, it wasn't some dramatic "rock bottom" or some big revelation that bought me back; just this gradual awareness that I was... I am... becoming utterly inaffective.
On Friday I met up with the new Med Christian Fellowship leaders for '09, six third year med students most of whom I'd never met before. But I knew back from when I led MedCF what a difference it made to know there was someone around for you, how encouraging that was. So more out of a sense of obligation, I asked to take them all out for coffee. How laughable is it that I went in thinking all hoity-toity that I would be doing them this grand favour of encouraging them, when actually getting to know them was just completely humbling and encouraging for me.
That fellowship, huh. It's an awesome, awesome thing.
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