I've got nothing particularly reflective on my mind right now, no "ponder this" as John Campbell would say... 99.9% of my thoughts this past week have been about these darn Paeds/ObGyn assessments we have on Thursday and Friday. I'm not going to vent about it because I told myself as I was walking home that I wouldn't... or at least, try to minimise the venting... *sigh*... or at least, try to tone down the venting somewhat. LoL So this is me not venting.
It's so strange to think that this time last year I was getting ready to head over to Seattle. What a great trip that was; how I miss Seattle. The Paediatric registra I was in clinic with this morning, though originally from India, trained for a bit in the States, first in Albany, New York and then Detroit. Just talking to him about the US, joking around, reflecting on their culture... it was so much fun. And I have to admit, I got more than a bit nostalgic. Seriously, what's with this instinctive, undeniable not love but "like" I have with that place? Morbid fascination?? It's akin to that 13-year-old crush you had back in junior high who you can't help smile thinking back on, however embarrassing or irrelevant.
The other thing I've been musing on as of late? The younger brother of a friend has recently been accepted into Harvard Summer School Program. I'm flying up to Christchurch in a couple weekends time and it'll great to sit and chat with him about the Program, give him advice, share my enthusiasm and all that jazz. But do you wanna hear the absolutely weird thing about it all?? He's 16 years old. Which really shouldn't surprise me, because that's how old I was when I went. But let me put it another way: when I was 16 and heading to Harvard, HE WAS TEN.
WEIRD.
*shudder*shudder*
WEIRD.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
keep on keepin' on
It feels like the year is whizzing by at super sonic speed...
How can so much change, so much happen, in so little a time?
508 days until elective... a little more until graduation...
How truly finite is our time in this place... in this world... in this life.
"Where, oh, Death, is your sting?"
How can so much change, so much happen, in so little a time?
508 days until elective... a little more until graduation...
How truly finite is our time in this place... in this world... in this life.
"Where, oh, Death, is your sting?"
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Have you seen 'The Family Stone'??
Mum and dad "house hunting"/studying the market up North on the Internet, planning for life post-my graduation:
Me: "Why are you guys looking at such big houses? Four bedrooms!? Why do you need four bedrooms?"
Mum: "It's so that you and Kirsty come visit. And when you guys come visit you'll need your own rooms."
Me: "Okay, but even so, why four? That's way too many!"
Mum: "Because you guys will come with your boyfriends, and they'll need their own separate rooms too."
Hahahaha... my mum. You gotta love that tiny, tiny woman!
Me: "Why are you guys looking at such big houses? Four bedrooms!? Why do you need four bedrooms?"
Mum: "It's so that you and Kirsty come visit. And when you guys come visit you'll need your own rooms."
Me: "Okay, but even so, why four? That's way too many!"
Mum: "Because you guys will come with your boyfriends, and they'll need their own separate rooms too."
Hahahaha... my mum. You gotta love that tiny, tiny woman!
"not by your own strength..."
My first weekend "off" in over a month, with no big plans, travelling or assignments due, and it's been fantasmic! Despite the cold, dreary weather, it's been so great waking up to natural light instead of my awful synthetic cellphone alarm-clock, getting some quality pyjama-time, and taking things easy for once. A well earned slowing of pace, I think. :)
Had time for a good run with my marathon-running-but-ever-so-patient running buddy, despite getting drenched with rain for the first ten minutes or so. But whoa for a sense of accomplishment because before I knew it I had run all the way up our usual hill without even considering slowing down -- the first time that's happened, ever! I think I was pretty distracted with the talking though, lol, but I definitely had that increase in fitness to back it up which is sooooo incredibly cool and satisfying. I always have so much fun on our runs.
Even snuck in dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine last night. We've both been so busy lately and things have been so intense during our respective weeks, so we decided to do a fun, light-hearted movie -- Confessions of a Shopaholic (cos I love Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy!) which was exactly what I was in the mood for -- followed by Mexican, a glass of Riesling and some pretty awesome conversation. Yay!
Things, school-wise, are slowing down a tiny bit which is nice. Two more weeks of Paediatrics left, mainly outpatient clinics, etc., but that means I have NINE DAYS to study everything there is to know about Paeds before our assessments next Friday. Yikes! I foresee some quality textbook time in the next few days. I'm excited to get some of that studying done though, because it'll dampen those feelings of utter inadequacy I've been experiencing these past few weeks; and plus, the faster the time passes, the closer it'll be to my weekend in Auckland! Next NZMSA Exec meeting is in two weekends time, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with my oh so crazy, black-sheep sister! :P
Other than that, life seems to be getting a bit better this past week. To be completely honest, I've been struggling signifcantly in my walk with Christ for almost a year, maybe longer. For a whole host of reasons really... for the first time in five years I stopped going to church last August... and I've been on a kind of self-imposed exile from God. I think I just got so tired and run-down with constantly analysing everything, every thought, every reaction, every word, and for once I said to myself, surely I can just take a break from it all without denying what I know to be True, without it affecting my Faith. So for the first time in my life I just stopped thinking. And I just let myself BE. Whatever. Say whatever. React however. And not analyse it, or feel guilty about this or that. For once, join in with the venting, and partake in the gossip. Maybe not so outwardly, but inside I allowed myself to judge and think these negative, self-righteous things... And I was fine. For months and months. Life didn't fall apart without God in my day. I chugged along as I normally do. And even as fifth year started up, it was all good. And sure, it even became fun joining in increasingly with the ways of the world, in my heart and in my actions. Then the whole NZMSA thing happened, which was fantastic. I was--no, I am becoming more and more the person I hope to be, more and more successful in the eyes of the world, in exactly the kind of way I want to be... And yet, it was really strange because last week, kind of out of the blue, I started to get this feeling of... powerlessness. I'm on this fast-track to becoming a doctor, I'm getting involved in "big" organizations that deal with "big-scale" decisions impacting so many people... and yet, I became increasingly aware of the fact that nothing I did had any power, that power to affect people's lives in the most fundamental, simple, direct way. When my day is Christ-centered, there is this ineffeable knowledge that every word, every smile, every action, every potential good is soooo powerful; sharing the Love and Joy and Peace of God... there is Power in that. Even when I bake, sure I enjoy baking, but it takes a lot of time out of an already busy day and I'm not driven to bake by "enjoyment"... I know that when I bake and share it with people around me it's one opportunity to share that Love with them, and whether they realise it or not, that's the love of Christ. And there is Power in that. And I guess I thought I could still have that, I could still do that, despite my self-imposed "break" from God. It's not like I stopped believing in Him... I justified as, "I just need some time."
But I've always known that Faith isn't just knowledge... it's what follows, it's our response. How can I say I love God and am a follower of Christ, when I don't spend any time with Him or aren't willing to give up anything for Him? How can you say you love anyone, if you don't talk to them or want to spend time with them? It's illogical and flawed at the most basic level! And yet I chose just not to think about it... and there I was there, doing "fine," succeeding, but living with this huge hypocrisy which I knew but chose to ignore.
It's almost unbelievable how everytime I fall from Christ I become this really ugly person inside. Outwardly appearances may not change, and to be completely honest, I can "fake" Christian... I know that sounds horrible, but it's true; I know what to say, how to react, I know the theory... I know how to "be" Christian... yet I also know the truth that's in my heart. And without Christ that truth is so ugly; I know my heart starts to rot away, I've been there before. And this time, it wasn't some dramatic "rock bottom" or some big revelation that bought me back; just this gradual awareness that I was... I am... becoming utterly inaffective.
On Friday I met up with the new Med Christian Fellowship leaders for '09, six third year med students most of whom I'd never met before. But I knew back from when I led MedCF what a difference it made to know there was someone around for you, how encouraging that was. So more out of a sense of obligation, I asked to take them all out for coffee. How laughable is it that I went in thinking all hoity-toity that I would be doing them this grand favour of encouraging them, when actually getting to know them was just completely humbling and encouraging for me.
That fellowship, huh. It's an awesome, awesome thing.
Had time for a good run with my marathon-running-but-ever-so-patient running buddy, despite getting drenched with rain for the first ten minutes or so. But whoa for a sense of accomplishment because before I knew it I had run all the way up our usual hill without even considering slowing down -- the first time that's happened, ever! I think I was pretty distracted with the talking though, lol, but I definitely had that increase in fitness to back it up which is sooooo incredibly cool and satisfying. I always have so much fun on our runs.
Even snuck in dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine last night. We've both been so busy lately and things have been so intense during our respective weeks, so we decided to do a fun, light-hearted movie -- Confessions of a Shopaholic (cos I love Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy!) which was exactly what I was in the mood for -- followed by Mexican, a glass of Riesling and some pretty awesome conversation. Yay!
Things, school-wise, are slowing down a tiny bit which is nice. Two more weeks of Paediatrics left, mainly outpatient clinics, etc., but that means I have NINE DAYS to study everything there is to know about Paeds before our assessments next Friday. Yikes! I foresee some quality textbook time in the next few days. I'm excited to get some of that studying done though, because it'll dampen those feelings of utter inadequacy I've been experiencing these past few weeks; and plus, the faster the time passes, the closer it'll be to my weekend in Auckland! Next NZMSA Exec meeting is in two weekends time, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with my oh so crazy, black-sheep sister! :P
Other than that, life seems to be getting a bit better this past week. To be completely honest, I've been struggling signifcantly in my walk with Christ for almost a year, maybe longer. For a whole host of reasons really... for the first time in five years I stopped going to church last August... and I've been on a kind of self-imposed exile from God. I think I just got so tired and run-down with constantly analysing everything, every thought, every reaction, every word, and for once I said to myself, surely I can just take a break from it all without denying what I know to be True, without it affecting my Faith. So for the first time in my life I just stopped thinking. And I just let myself BE. Whatever. Say whatever. React however. And not analyse it, or feel guilty about this or that. For once, join in with the venting, and partake in the gossip. Maybe not so outwardly, but inside I allowed myself to judge and think these negative, self-righteous things... And I was fine. For months and months. Life didn't fall apart without God in my day. I chugged along as I normally do. And even as fifth year started up, it was all good. And sure, it even became fun joining in increasingly with the ways of the world, in my heart and in my actions. Then the whole NZMSA thing happened, which was fantastic. I was--no, I am becoming more and more the person I hope to be, more and more successful in the eyes of the world, in exactly the kind of way I want to be... And yet, it was really strange because last week, kind of out of the blue, I started to get this feeling of... powerlessness. I'm on this fast-track to becoming a doctor, I'm getting involved in "big" organizations that deal with "big-scale" decisions impacting so many people... and yet, I became increasingly aware of the fact that nothing I did had any power, that power to affect people's lives in the most fundamental, simple, direct way. When my day is Christ-centered, there is this ineffeable knowledge that every word, every smile, every action, every potential good is soooo powerful; sharing the Love and Joy and Peace of God... there is Power in that. Even when I bake, sure I enjoy baking, but it takes a lot of time out of an already busy day and I'm not driven to bake by "enjoyment"... I know that when I bake and share it with people around me it's one opportunity to share that Love with them, and whether they realise it or not, that's the love of Christ. And there is Power in that. And I guess I thought I could still have that, I could still do that, despite my self-imposed "break" from God. It's not like I stopped believing in Him... I justified as, "I just need some time."
But I've always known that Faith isn't just knowledge... it's what follows, it's our response. How can I say I love God and am a follower of Christ, when I don't spend any time with Him or aren't willing to give up anything for Him? How can you say you love anyone, if you don't talk to them or want to spend time with them? It's illogical and flawed at the most basic level! And yet I chose just not to think about it... and there I was there, doing "fine," succeeding, but living with this huge hypocrisy which I knew but chose to ignore.
It's almost unbelievable how everytime I fall from Christ I become this really ugly person inside. Outwardly appearances may not change, and to be completely honest, I can "fake" Christian... I know that sounds horrible, but it's true; I know what to say, how to react, I know the theory... I know how to "be" Christian... yet I also know the truth that's in my heart. And without Christ that truth is so ugly; I know my heart starts to rot away, I've been there before. And this time, it wasn't some dramatic "rock bottom" or some big revelation that bought me back; just this gradual awareness that I was... I am... becoming utterly inaffective.
On Friday I met up with the new Med Christian Fellowship leaders for '09, six third year med students most of whom I'd never met before. But I knew back from when I led MedCF what a difference it made to know there was someone around for you, how encouraging that was. So more out of a sense of obligation, I asked to take them all out for coffee. How laughable is it that I went in thinking all hoity-toity that I would be doing them this grand favour of encouraging them, when actually getting to know them was just completely humbling and encouraging for me.
That fellowship, huh. It's an awesome, awesome thing.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
"I know you can feel overwhelmed, and you can feel underwhelmed, but can you just feel, whelmed?"
You know when so much happens in such a short amount of time that you barely have time to think about what you've gotten yourself into, let alone, write about it in any kind of reflective way? Yup, that's me right now. I feel... overwhelmed, sans the negative connotations. Yes, I feel overwhelmed; yes, I know I'm in way over my head; yes, for the first time in ages I feel like I'm holding on by the tips of my fingers, just barely scraping through to get what I need to get done, but strangely enough, I'm not stressed. At all. Which is an unusual feeling.
Starting the year off with hands-down the most intense and most time-consuming run would keep anyone crazy busy. Invercargill was great for ObGyn and I enjoyed obstetrics (or, at least the surgeries involved!), assisting in cesareans during my weekend on-call. But then, on top of it all, running for and being elected to the New Zealand Medical Students' Association (NZMSA) at the last minute; driving back from Invercargill then flying to Christchurch an hour later... then two days of intense meetings... constantly around people, talking ("serious" discussions, lol)... nights out... then back for a week of being rostered onto Paediatric Ward with 8am ward rounds every morning... and another rostered weekend on-call these past two days.
It's been a whirlwind, to say the least, my sanity rooted in nonnegotiable minimum seven hours sleep, and making time to go for a run every couple days! But I'm enjoying it all. Tired, but truly satisfying.
I never got into medicine because I enjoyed science (yikes!) or because I wanted to spend my life as a full-time clinician (double yikes!). And I have loved that I can find my own niche within the vast world of opportunity that Medicine offers. Despite feeling like I'm holding things together by the tips of my fingers, I'm enjoying this whole new world I've been thrown into (or, more accurately, chosen to leap into); although this whole NZMSA thing is relatively 'new' for me, I already feel so... at home. LoL I cannot believe how much I'm enjoying it. The board-rooms, the travel, the policy-writing, the meeting heaps of new, like-minded people -- articulate, overachieving, type-A personalities. And I'm glad I waited until now, well into clinical school, to get involved in such a 'big' thing; any earlier and I don't think I would have gotten as much out of it or have been confident enough to have enjoyed it as much. What's even more exciting is that there are a couple others on the Exec who have a real interest in Global Health, and even though I know I can't take on any more 'projects' this year (cos I am certain I would struggle in exams if I did), because it's a 2-year post I have so much to look forward to come November 7 2009 and beyond! (Side-note: I cannot believe that come November I'll be a Trainee Intern! Has it really been five years?!?)
I've got so many "side-projects" and to-dos right now (hence the hanging-on-by-the-fingertips) that I'm just trying to keep up and avoid missing any huge deadlines. Clinical trial, case report, another small study, an offspring of my clinical trial; working on this new Increasing Med Student Numbers policy for NZMSA; NZ Med Students Journal; trying to support the new Med Christian Fellowship leaders; putting into motion my Medical Elective planning; typing up the first draft of my manuscript; school assignments... study everything about Paediatrics and ObGyn... lol So far so good, with the exception of actually studying. But I'll get there sooner or later.
I love how at the start of each year I can never predict how it's going to go, what will happen, what situations I'll find myself in. Is that the same with everyone or just me?
Week six of year five of medical school, and what an adventure it's already been... And Oh! what adventures lie ahead of me still...
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