it's senioritis, I'm afraid

Senioritis is a term used colloquially in the United States and Canada to describe the decreased motivation toward studies displayed by students who are nearing the end of their Middle School, high school or college careers. It is typically said to include: slowness, procrastination, and apathy regarding school work,a feeling of entitlement or privilege, and a tendency toward truancy. Many high school and college students find themselves in a type of "lame duck" situation: their plans are made and a new chapter in their life is about to begin, so finishing the current chapter (the current term separating them from graduation) becomes just a formality or "holding pattern." [From Wikipedia]

While writing an email to a friend of mine it dawned on me that I have a serious case of senioritis. No, technically I'm not at the end of my high school or college career, but in some ways it feels a lot like it. Since I'm finishing off my 'preclinical' study years and starting next year we're based in the hospital, in some ways it feels like I'm done with "college" (pre-med?) and preparing to start "graduate school" (medicine). Yes, my exams at the end of the year are important, but I'm not too worried about failing as long as I keep on the right track. So where does that leave me? A smidget of slowness with a pinch of procrastination, and a whole lotta apathy, that's where. Not to mention, a definite 'tendency toward truancy,' that's for sure! And the gorgeous weather ain't helping matters much.

I watched Sicko yesterday and it was actually pretty okay. Expected Michael Moore bias aside, it was an interesting and, at times, quite funny documentary. It made me want to move to France, LoL. And definitely not practice medicine in the US.

Went out for dinner with friends last night at the Mexican restuarant in town which was okay, but I think pretty overpriced considering. Then after dessert at Eureka we ended up going karaoke. Wanna hear something absolutely crazy? They had that Genghis Khan song and what's more, in English! And I'm ashamed to admit it was the best song to sing along to! [He fathered seven children in one night!!??!! LoL]

sweet caroline...

While I was at the gym this morning the local news was on the radio and I heard the district health board was asking people to hold off coming to the emergency room unless it was extremely urgent because they were grossly understaffed. They said the emergency room had 3700 visits last year even though they're only able to support 2400 visits.

I don't really know what to think when I hear stats like that because I see both sides of the story and you can't really blame anyone, no matter how tempting it may be sometimes. In the end, it's an inherent often indistinguishable flaw in the system and there's no easy solution. Actually, sometimes it feels like there's no solution, period. Where do you start??

And yes, my break is almost half over and I still haven't managed to open any books. But it's all good. I'll survive... I always do. I like that in med school, because I'm surrounded by such hard-out students, it gives me a valid justification for being a semi-mediocre student in comparison. It certainly takes a lot of the pressure off. The trick is to find a balance -- you can't be (mistakenly) cocky, but you can't spend six years underestimating yourself either. And with each year that passes, I think I'm getting better at finding that balance. It definitely makes things that much more easier.

I've managed to see a few movies this break, which is awesome since it's hard to find the time to be the movie-buff I used to be. Breach was great -- Chris Cooper made it worth watching. Bourne Ultimatum -- two thumbs up. Not sure whether I'd go straight to saying it's the best of the three, but it's undoubtedly a great continuation. And Matt Damon... need I say more? Eagle vs Shark was pretty funny, though I think they gave away most of the funniest lines in the commercial. Jemaine Clement is absolutely brilliant and the Phoenix Foundation was likewise. I'm watching Michael Moore's Sicko tonight so more on that later.

I miss baseball. Even when we used to have Sky, ESPN only had baseball games on every once in a while. Watching The Perfect Catch always manages to give me a bad case of nostalgia. Especially of the Red Sox and Boston.

barney and me, part II

Just had my very first driving lesson ever -- and I'm still alive, Thank you God!! My instructor was awesome, very patient and we covered a lot of ground. We went out to Waldronville and did lots of turning and whatnot on wide streets with little cars around. But then, by golly, he made me drive out to Brighton!! Over a bridge!! At 80km/h!!! God really didn't mean for us to travel at such speeds!! LoL. Then when it couldn't get any worse (and when there were five cars trailing behind me), he made me turn around and go back... back to Waldronville, then all the way back to town!

It's all a blur now. I can't even remember the details. All I know is I'm back in the safety of my house. LoL. Man, you can't take your eyes off the road for one second! But, I have to admit, I'm kinda getting the hang of it, I think. It's even a wee bit... dare I say, fun? And I get to do it all over again Thursday. Hahaha...

So the original plan I had of eat-and-breathe-studying for everyday of my two-week break in order to put me in glorious stead for the looming exams at the end of the year? Yeah, not going too good. As in, I'll start tomorrow... hopefully.

Here's to another beautiful day -- have I mentioned that Dunedin is first equal for the greatest city in the world??

Taken at St Clair beach on Friday afternoon.

you can't beat mackers...

On the drive home from a family dinner out at Lone Star:

Mum: It's nice how restaurants are kind of dark. It creates a certain atmosphere...

Dad (eyes on road): mm-hmm...

Mum: It's not like McDonalds. Everything's white, and bright... and white.

Dad: Yeah, but at least you can see your damn food.


If I didn't totally disagree with him, I'd be inclined to say, damn right! But it was a nice meal. And the junior portions make it possible to actually go there and eat without dying.

The weather today was so lovely. Perfect Dunedin weather -- I think the city is trying to romance me into staying here forever. It's certainly a powerful force! After I got home from work at lunch I sat outside in the sun and finished the novel I've been reading for the past few days. (Most definitely two thumbs up!) I even got to go to the gym as well (or "studio" -- not "gym" -- as Gary would want me to say). After a two-week hiatus (post-surgery rules) it was great just running for a couple miles. Although, why oh why did there have to be a bakery on the ground floor of our building? And why in the world are they baking on a Saturday afternoon??!!??

bean farts

The coolest poster I've seen on the back of a toilet stall door -- the perfect blend of interesting and informative! Though I can't imagine what someone must have thought if they heard the flash of my camera go off while I was in there...

e.s.p

Without a doubt the single greatest song EVER. No matter when, no matter where, no matter what, it never fails to make me feel like I'm flying. And check out the sexy hunk of a man behind the drums.

To be honest I've been feeling like a bit of an 'empty shell person' these past couple days (to pilfer the phrase from Under The Tuscan Sun). I think it was a culmination of physical stress, my aforementioned lack of sleep, and an endless list of things to do, which had my mind stretched too too thin. And on top of all that, the ways of the world and, to some degree, the often seemingly immutable nature of man, had been having a not-so-good effect on me as of late. This whole "in the world, but not of the world" business feels damn near impossible sometimes. So today I kind of just shut down -- my body was going through the motions, but my mind was nowhere... but God never fails to be there always. He said to me through his apostle Paul, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery... You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. 'A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.' I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty, whoever he may be... You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." [From Galatians 5]

Paradoxically, today was one of the best days of the year.

barney and me

Probably a very good prediction of how my first driving lesson is going to go next week. At least my instructor is an ex-cop -- reassuring, though I'm not sure why.

Haven't been able to sleep well this entire week. :( Again, I'm not sure why.

stalin's "x" year plans

I've been thinking a lot about the future. More specifically, what I want to do with my life. I never got into this planning on becoming a clinical doctor. And though I'm tempted sometimes to specialise, especially when we start a fresh and interesting topic, I know that in the end I can't see myself working in a hospital or clinic for the next thirty years to come.

I keep coming back to public policy. International relations replaced by international health policy. I mean, it's as close as I can get, right? I want to spend four, five years holed up in the corner of a university library somewhere working on my PhD. I'm starting to realise that that desire wasn't a transient thought but a growing... obsession? Too strong a word, but I make my point.

So here it is, my newly dubbed "Ten Year Plan" -- which reminds me of Stalin and all his "___ Year Plans." Graduate med school; complete my two or three House Surgeon years to get registered on the NZ medical board; do a Masters In International Studies (or equivalent) in NZ; go overseas, preferably America (Boston/Washington D.C.), to do my PhD in public policy. Then... the world is my oyster. Or something along those lines.

I'm excited. It's not that I'm necessarily on the quote-unquote right track, but I feel like I'm finally on a track.

I don't regret doing med - it's an amazing starting point for so many career paths - but I'm excited medicine per se isn't going to be the be-all and end-all of my life... Thankfully.

monomaniacal, salubrious, quagmire...

"More Coffee?"

"I was going to just mainline adrenaline but I couldn't find a clean needle."

- West Wing, Season 7


Damn, that is one great show. I can't get over it. I'm thinking of starting a petition for Aaron Sorkin to venture on with an eighth, ninth, ten, eleventh season. If only...

Do people in real life actually talk like that? Anyone anywhere in the world?? Cos if there is I'm on the next flight out! (After a few years of "monomaniacal" vocabulary study, that is, so I can actually partake in the conversation.)

the bold and the (seriously) beautiful

With little to do all day besides sleep and... sleep some more, I've had the time to watch some good old day-time television.

Did you know that The Bold And The Beautiful is still on??!!?? It was kinda nice seeing all their familiar faces again. Interesting fact: one of my earliest memories is of watching this very show as a five year old. Given I couldn't actually speak English at the time I didn't know what was going on, plot wise, but I remember Brooke and Taylor and Ridge... and the truth of the matter is, I grew up with them! It's nice knowing they're still on TV, even with all the new characters and whatnot. I remember when Ridge and Taylor just met! And now their children are all grown up and Taylor's in prison??!!?? Didn't she die, like two or three times?? And am I making this up or was she, at some point, married to a sultan of some sort? The details are a wee bit fuzzy, but it really was great seeing them all again today... comforting to know that even though so much has changed, they remain, and will remain forever, bold and beautiful... LoL.

They always manage to have the most gooorgeous looking guys (and gals) on that show. I reckon they should bring Macy back -- I always thought it was horrible the way Thorne left her for Brooke, of all people.

Apparently, Ridge (or the actor who plays Ridge) has a music album out! They're selling it in the B&B store (they have a store!). Crazy...

is THIS what an acid trip feels like??

So I'm still alive, which is always good news. No fatal allergic reaction to general anaesthetics. It's been an interesting weekend, or at least the parts I can remember have been.

The surgery itself was 'unremarkable,' as noted in my operation notes. But honestly, of the twenty four hours I spent in the hospital, I think my total doctor-contact time was like five minutes. What I did learn from this entire experience is that nurses are AMAZING. They're such brilliant, awesome people and they all have this unique quality about them. I totally have a new found respect and awe for what they do.

So I got to the hospital in the morning on Friday and basically waited around till the surgeon was ready. I got to know my 'roommates' who were all pretty cool -- and when I say pretty cool I don't just mean their personalities but their reasons for being in hospital were medically cool. I was in the ENT/Maxillo-Facial/Neuro Surgical ward and my surgery was the least interesting of the four.

I started to get increasingly nervous as the day wore on, not to mention increasingly hungry, but with the premeds for general (including a benzodiazepine to make me all warm and fuzzy inside) I think I was pretty much numbed out. Then around one they wheeled me to the surgical waiting area (being pushed around in my bed was the coolest thing ever!), and then to the actual room of the surgery where I saw some familiar faces, including my (young!) surgeon and (old, which is comforting) anaesthesiologist, as well as a bunch of other people whom I'm assuming were nurses. It was pretty hectic, with a thousand things going on, but as soon as they put in an IV line (yuck!) they told me to take deep breathes of the 'oxygen' (which totally wasn't just oxygen!) and the next thing I know I'm in the surgical recovery area.

The only way to describe how it felt coming out of general is as if I had been dead and buried and someone dug me back up and resuscitated me. It is seriously one of the yuckiest things I have ever experienced. Your mind and your body feel totally disconnected, the former utterly confused and the latter aching all over.

I was in and out of it all Friday afternoon and so can't remember much, but Kirsty was there to keep me company. My parents showed up later on, more for their sake than mine I think. Kirsty had gotten me a 'care package' with balloons and books and magazines (Time AND Newsweek! Hahaha...), but I wasn't quite up to reading (and still aren't).

Besides feeling groggy and out of it, I was pretty okay. The nurses kept asking me if I felt nauseous or if I felt any pain, to which I answered no and no. They kept me under pretty close observation, taking my blood pressure and temperature every half hour; and the drugs just kept on coming (which is probably why I didn't feel any pain). The nauseous thing confused me though cos they kept asking me like as if I should be nauseous; but I felt fine. Hungry even.

The next morning I was up by seven and had breakfast. And I was all ready to go home but then... that whole nauseous thing they kept asking about? Well, it finally kicked in. I started to feel really really dizzy and gross, like someone was spinning me around and around and all the food in my stomach was just barely managing to stay down. When I told the nurses they were kinda surprised cos up until then I had been reassuring them I was totally okay. But the nausea was relentless. And my senses were uber sensitive. Any noise, any bright light all made the nausea a thousand times worse. So there I was, discharge papers signed and bags packed, but feeling like I wanted to DIE. Kirsty came to take me home around nine but I couldn't move. For another hour or so I just lay there... waiting... and then FINALLY, it came: the king of all barfs; the ultimate vomit; half a bucket of upchuck. It was - and there is absolutely no other way to describe it - EPIC. And it felt goooooood.


Now I'm back home, nose all bandaged up, still pretty drugged up overall. The bleeding has almost stopped, but it's still pretty swollen and blocked up. The pain is definitely there if I don't take the drugs (that's probably why I didn't feel anything back in the hospital - the nurses were on to it), but with the medication comes all these horrible side-effects. It's funny cos I remember studying NSAIDs, analgesics, antibiotics, etc., and the side-effects are just a list of the same old, same old: nausea, GI upset, etc., etc... but I really get why compliance with some drugs can be such an issue.

I thought this week off would be a glorified holiday, but man was I wrong. I haven't been getting sleep; I can't seem to keep food down; the headaches are truly monstrous creatures with a life of their own; and when I don't' have a thumping headache, my mind is so out of it I have had, on more than one occasion, EXTREMELY vivid and life-like dreams which could be mistaken for hallucinations. I kid you not.

fasting??!!??

By the end of this day I would have gone almost 24hours without eating... I'm. So. Hungry.

blast from the past

A couple things happened today that got me thinking about the person I was up until three/four years ago.

I used to be so... ambitious. Ambitious to the point of being scary; a total one-track mind. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, how I wanted to live my life. Man, I had it planned down to the most minute detail. How does a person get like that? I'm not necessarily saying it's a good or bad thing, but I know it wasn't good for me. Every once in a while (usually when I'm struggling with studying) I become reminiscent of that person from my past, wishing I still had some of her fierce discipline and drive. But I was doing it all for the wrong reasons. To fill that void. Trying to find a purpose in all that mess.

All of which serves to remind me of what I learnt that summer in Boston: once you reach the top, you find there's nothing there.

In the past year or so I've noticed myself becoming more and more comfortable with the person I am. I've always been pretty confident (or seemingly so), but inside, like most people, there were a lot of things about myself I was never really comfortable with. Worries, insecurities, and the like -- remnants of that awkward 13 year old, an out-of-place Korean-born kiwi living in America. But after Harvard and the stuff that happened last year, I think I've finally reached that place where I'm actually completely comfortable and happy with every aspect of who I am. And it feels really nice. The peace that comes with trusting His plan, His will, His love... all part of that life-long transformation.

It's strange thinking of that person from my past.

auuuuh-sum

While I was dreaming the other night I suddenly realised how thirsty I was so I reached out to my nightstand for my water bottle and chugged down some water. Then out of nowhere I started to wonder if I was dreaming all of that or if I was actually drinking water; so I reached to touch my mouth to see if it was wet. And it was. Sufficient evidence that I was indeed awake. But the creepy thing is that when I woke up in the morning there was no water bottle on my nightstand. Weird.

It's been a long day with tuts/labs, some quality library time, then work. I only get ten/fifteen minutes for dinner so I always have to either rush and feel sick afterwards cos I normally eat semi-slow, or not eat actual meal-type food then get the munchies later on which is never good since I inevitably end up eating unhealthy junk at around eleven/midnight.

Unmotivated -- basically sums up how I've been feeling the past few weeks. No desire whatsoever to study, and worse, the feeling of there being no need to study. I know I'll regret it closer to exam time but for now, whatever.

You know what my favourite thing about How I Met Your Mother is? I love how they say "awesome" a lot. I love that word. But only if it's said with an American accent. "Awesome" doesn't sound right -- doesn't sound truly awesome -- if it's said with any other accent, especially British/NZ (the latter is more like "oar-sum"). Hmmm...

And 1984 is AMAZING. Orwell is amazing. Everything about that book is amazing. It is definitely one of my top 5 favourite books of all time.

to leap blindfolded

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother which, in addition to being incredibly funny, has got me thinking about... risks. Or moreover, the taking of risks.

A friend of mine back in the states who I correspond with quite a lot via email recently got a boyfriend, and it's been awesome hearing about all her 'adventures.' But with all the excitement is the inevitable drama that comes with being in a relationship. And when I say 'drama' I don't mean 'Gray's Anatomy/soap opera'-esque drama, but just... a lot more to think about because now there's another person to factor into the equation. It's no longer as... simple.

And I guess with that there are both up sides and down sides. It's got me thinking about what I want... and to be honest, I have no idea.

I've never really taken risks in my life. Not just when it comes to guys, but everything -- life. I've always hated sports and competitions; stuck to studying because there is no 'win' or 'lose'; never really done things without thinking it through first. Even the couple big 'risks' I have taken in the past few years have been well calculated, weighed-out, and I've always had contingency plans so as to reassure myself that if I had to deal with the lesser desired outcome I had another plan which, most of the time, I thought would be just as good albeit different.

I've always wanted to bomb a test. Not just fail, or do bad, but BOMB. All the 'big' things I've wanted to accomplish seem to fall into place every time, and I'm not saying this out of pride or narcissism, but to be honest, utter frustration. Most of the time it feels like a curse. Because I've never experienced utter failure, utter pain, utter hurt, it's like living in wait... wondering when it'll happen... and if I'll be okay when it does. And I wonder sometimes if I could just get it over and done with so I can deal, get over it, and move on, that much more stronger.

Even with my faith. It's funny how most people think that having faith means blind faith. Just believing, just cos. Just for the hell of it. Just because we're dumb or weak or whatever. They think that having faith is leaping blindfolded. But it really isn't. Yes, I grant you there still questions and I don't understand everything -- I can't answer every question people may have about Christianity and I'm still puzzled by a lot of things -- but what far outweighs that is the logic, the evidence and the truth. And that's not taking a risk at all in my books. I really couldn't do it otherwise.

Love, faith, life... I know I'm only twenty but I feel like I should be putting myself out there more. To be braver... and not so afraid of... getting hurt, whatever that may entail.

my prayer for 2007

Psalm 25: 1-7, 16-22

To you, O LORD, I life up my soul;
in you I trust, Oh my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy
and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.



Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have
multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my
distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be up to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect
me,
because my hope is in you.

Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!