to leap blindfolded

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother which, in addition to being incredibly funny, has got me thinking about... risks. Or moreover, the taking of risks.

A friend of mine back in the states who I correspond with quite a lot via email recently got a boyfriend, and it's been awesome hearing about all her 'adventures.' But with all the excitement is the inevitable drama that comes with being in a relationship. And when I say 'drama' I don't mean 'Gray's Anatomy/soap opera'-esque drama, but just... a lot more to think about because now there's another person to factor into the equation. It's no longer as... simple.

And I guess with that there are both up sides and down sides. It's got me thinking about what I want... and to be honest, I have no idea.

I've never really taken risks in my life. Not just when it comes to guys, but everything -- life. I've always hated sports and competitions; stuck to studying because there is no 'win' or 'lose'; never really done things without thinking it through first. Even the couple big 'risks' I have taken in the past few years have been well calculated, weighed-out, and I've always had contingency plans so as to reassure myself that if I had to deal with the lesser desired outcome I had another plan which, most of the time, I thought would be just as good albeit different.

I've always wanted to bomb a test. Not just fail, or do bad, but BOMB. All the 'big' things I've wanted to accomplish seem to fall into place every time, and I'm not saying this out of pride or narcissism, but to be honest, utter frustration. Most of the time it feels like a curse. Because I've never experienced utter failure, utter pain, utter hurt, it's like living in wait... wondering when it'll happen... and if I'll be okay when it does. And I wonder sometimes if I could just get it over and done with so I can deal, get over it, and move on, that much more stronger.

Even with my faith. It's funny how most people think that having faith means blind faith. Just believing, just cos. Just for the hell of it. Just because we're dumb or weak or whatever. They think that having faith is leaping blindfolded. But it really isn't. Yes, I grant you there still questions and I don't understand everything -- I can't answer every question people may have about Christianity and I'm still puzzled by a lot of things -- but what far outweighs that is the logic, the evidence and the truth. And that's not taking a risk at all in my books. I really couldn't do it otherwise.

Love, faith, life... I know I'm only twenty but I feel like I should be putting myself out there more. To be braver... and not so afraid of... getting hurt, whatever that may entail.