I cannot believe that the first two weeks of fifth year is over already. I've been told this year was the most intense of med school and they really weren't kidding. Even though Introductory Week was physically tiring easing out of 'vacation' mode, starting my Paediatrics/ObGyn run this second week has been unbelievably full-on. I sat a tutorial room with sixteen other people everyday from 8.30am - 5pm with a new and different topic covered every hour; half the time I had no idea what the tutor was talking about, trying not to freak out about my mental list of "things to study" growing with every minute. What's worse, I've only been able to go for a run twice this week which compounds the general feeling of "yuckiness." I'd been planning to go on a couple really hefty runs this weekend to make up for the missed miles, but yesterday this torrential rain suddenly started. And with that I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick as I sit here typing because I can feel the classic prodromal discomfort in the back of my throat.
Oi vey.
But alas it's the weekend and tomorrow night I'm heading on placement for a couple weeks as part of ObGyn to a small rural hospital even more "bottom-of-the-world" than Dunedin. At least (a.) I'll get heaps of hands-on opportunities and theatre time(!), (b.) the Doctors' Residence I'll be staying at is constantly WARM++, and (c.) there's nothing to do there so I'll have plenty of time to study. Two weeks of all Women's Health all the time; should be interesting!
It appears this week has been a week of babies and women... but mainly babies. Not only has 90% of my waking hours been spent talking/learning/studying about babies, but coincidentally I also babysat for friends of mine Tuesday evening AND the fiance of a classmate-friend gave birth Thursday night. I went from virtually no baby contact time in the entirety of my life, to a week of babies, babies all the time... and it's got me thinking. I went from not really knowing how I felt about the idea of "having kids" to being more and more sure that I'm not ready -- AT ALL -- to even begin thinking about it. Paradoxically, the idea of specialising in Neonatology-NICU/Neonatal Surgery is becoming more and more attractive, or in the very least, a definite possibility. Which in my mind only further suggests I'm not ready -- AT ALL -- to begin thinking about KIDS OF MY OWN and I'm not sure I ever will be. How do you raise a baby? How do you protect it from all the horrible-ness or potential horrible-ness of this world? How to do you take this tiny, precious, perfect, heart-wrenchingly adorable mini-human being and keep it safe and healthy in a world where nothing is guaranteed and nothing is certain except for the fact that You Are Responsible. Completely. Fully.
While we were on a tour of NICU I couldn't process a word the nurse was saying to us -- all I could do was watch the absolutely fragile preemie baby BREATHING in the incubator, falling utterly in love. And I felt this sudden, overwhelming, INSUPPRESSIBLE urge to do everything in my power to protect her. And that baby wasn't even mine... And I refuse to let myself imagine what it would be like if that baby were mine. Like I said, totally not ready.
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