Some excerpts from a draft of my almost-completed book, entitled "For You (or, Sleep and the Middle Ground)":
"The flight to Boston was breath-taking, the incredible weather giving way to beautiful views of Southern California, Nevada, and Utah. Later that evening however the weather changed and as we got closer to Boston there was a storm brewing. And in the darkness of the night sky our plane circled over Massachusetts and I watched lightening strike from the air... and it was perfect.
By the time we landed at Logan Airport it was almost midnight. I collected my bags and called for the courtesy shuttle from the hotel I was booked at for the night. Because Opening Weekend didn't start until tomorrow I would have to spend what was left of this Friday night in a hotel in some arbitrary suburb in the outskirts of Boston. I wasn't even sure if it was legal for a 16 year old to stay in a hotel alone but when I had made the booking they hadn't asked and I hadn't brought it up..."
*******
"...But everyone lives for something. Every single human being -- regardless of gender, race, or profession -- each of us are broken and are looking for something that will mend the ineffable brokenness in the depths of our hearts; that which will fill the hole in the depths of our souls. Whether we are actively seeking or subconsciously trying to figure out, we are all looking for 'The Answer.' Some of us look for It in money, others respect, praise, success or achievement. A lot if not most of us are looking for It in LOVE, in that if-not-perfect-then-at-least-right-for-me-right-now man or woman. Others seek It in religion or spirituality, and some in the receiving of adoration from whichever group of people surrounds them at the time.
I was no different. My hope -- what I was living for -- was Myself, my future, and the person I knew I could become. Everything I was, everything I did, was part of investing in the person I knew I wanted to become, the person I knew I could become if I worked hard enough and wanted it enough.
So who was this person?
She was intelligent... successful... respected, admired... independent... pioneering.
She came at the top of her class in high school and had the praise of every teacher. She got accepted by, studied at and graduated from Harvard University, and then studied International Law at a prestigious Law School (Yale? Harvard? Oxford?). Then she spent her entire career -- nay, her entire life -- dedicated to serving the underprivileged, the Lost Cause; that which was forgotten by the media and subsequently the World.
She was, above all, a history-maker.
For her, it wasn't about money or fame or prestige. She was living for a Greater Purpose which she set for herself, to live a 'selfless' life for the Underdogs of the world.
All of which sounded lovely and brilliant, and that's how I justified it to myself. That's how I reassured myself I was better than 'him' or 'her' or 'them' who were living such selfish, purposeless lives; that's how I felt better about myself when I was hurt by how I wasn't as pretty or athletic or popular or rich as 'him' or 'her' or 'them.' None of those things mattered, I told myself, because I, unlike most of these other people on earth, knew what I wanted to do with my life and I had confidence in my ability to do it. I knew I wanted to change the world, and what's more I knew I could do it if I worked hard enough.
I was ambitious. Monomaniacally so."
*******
"My love for Harvard had matured over the two months, from utter blind infatuation to a love rooted in a true appreciation and mutual understanding. Those moments we shared... in the stillness of the morning as the rays of sunlight broke through the tree branches in Harvard Yard tessellating in the air... in the quiet of the night as I sat staring up at the evening sky from the balcony of my dorm room wrapped in my flannel Harvard blanket... in the heat of Bostonian summer, sipping on an iced coffee from Au Bon Pain in between classes... in the air-conditioned coolness of upstairs Lamont Library, swimming in a pool of study note-cards... in the moment I stood in sheer awe, staring up to the top of Emerson Hall slowly reading aloud to myself the words engraved on its outer wall, 'What is man that Thou art mindful of him?'
The first time I read those words I had chuckled aloud thinking they were of one 'enlightened' man speaking satirically to another: 'Who do you think you are that you regard yourself so damn highly?'... and I was the oh-so enlightened man posing that question to every single person but myself. What I would later come to learn, however, is that those were the words of none other than King David crying out to God: What is man -- what am I? -- that You, God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, are mindful of him? That You are mindful of me? What am I, but dust, that You care about me? That You, Oh Lord, think of me?"
*******
"Harvard may have been my first love, but medicine will always be my true love. A love not based on mistaken dreams and adolescent fantasies but a love that has allowed me to GROW. It has pushed me, challenged me, hurt me, surprised me, romanced me. It has broken me, and then it has put me back together in a different but better way. It has put me back together as a better woman, better friend, better daughter, better student, better Christian... as a better person and human being.
...Med school changes the way you see the world and the people in it. It is its own micro-world and the further you progress the more removed you become from the 'real world' around you. It changes the way you speak, the way you listen, the way you touch, the way you think, and the way you perceive the world around you. And like Harvard, it is esoteric as hell."
*******
"That was almost five years ago now. So what is it that I think about love as a 21 year old?
I believe that before you are able to fully give of yourself to another you have to 'know thyself.' My sister once said to me growing up, 'Anna, before you can even start to think of being in a relationship you have to learn how to be an independent woman.' At the time I thought to myself, 'Oh, the talk of a future spinster! How silly!' But just a few years later I agree more with what she said to me back then than even she does now.
To love someone for the rest of your life, together, forever, isn't a given. Rather, it's a decision you make. And how can you make such a decision, how can you know who you make that decision with, unless you know yourself first? Unless you know the kind of person you are, your strengths and limitations, your hopes and dreams, your fears and flaws. Because it is only once you know yourself that you will have a surety, a certainty and a confidence in the decisions you make in life and in love. If you are uncertain of who you are it follows that you are uncertain of what you want. And if you are uncertain in what you want, how can you embark on such a life-defining adventure like falling in love? Isn't that the very reason why people break-up, get divorced or have affairs? What they think they want changes so often, or, they were never sure what they wanted to begin with so when something (or someone) seemingly better appears a new chase begins. But most likely that too will not last, and a vicious cycle ensues. People live their whole lives chasing what or who they think they want, what or who they think will fulfill them and satisfy them and fill that gaping hole in their hearts. But to no end."
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