it is COLD

It is cold.

That's it.

Oh, and driving in the rain, in the dark and during rush-hour is scary. Like really really scary.


I'm going to bed. (Yes, I realise it's only 6.50pm, but it's been a loooooooooooong day. And it is cold.)

"... do you *get* that I am the ruler of the world?" (or something to that effect)

Psychiatry really is interesting, if nothing else. Unpredictable. And at times, hilarious. Yesterday afternoon I was having my practice OSLER (Observed Structured Long case, where the specialist doctor finds a patient for you to talk to and examine and then watches you do your thing), and there was another "Holy cow-how do I react-what do I say-what just happened-what did he just say to me-am I imagining this" kind of moment. Funny retrospectively, scary as it happened. The patients do keep you on your toes.

On another note, I'm not really looking forward to going on another rural-ish placement to Invercargill next week for the second half of my psych run. Originally I wasn't assigned to go on placement at all, but at the start of the year I convinced a classmate of mine to give up his spot. Plus, he had been assigned to go with a very good friend of mine and I thought it'd be fun to go with her. And then Timaru happened -- five weeks rural placement, five weeks of cooking and cleaning and living in a cold-as house, five weeks of sleeping in a single bed! *sigh* That was enough of an experience, you know? But alas, it is as it is. And I'll be heading down for three weeks on Wednesday. The other reason why I don't really want to be going right now is that I've been enjoying going to this church so much! I've just started to get into the swing of things and now I have to leave for a chunk of time. But, things happen for a reason. And I know in the end it'll be a great experience overall. :) Plus, maybe I'll finally do some much needed study!


... It's been raining a lot lately, which makes me want to stay in my pyjamas all day and snuggle up in bed. Good rainy-day music helps.

a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

So I tagged along with a friend of mine to two of his law lectures this afternoon and it was AWESOME. He was warning me that they recently had a change in lecturers and that both were relatively monotonous/unengaging... but whoa, either he was totally wrong or his other lecturers are just beyond brilliant cos I found the two today great! I must have taken about four pages of notes for each lecture (active listening!). Both criminal law and public law were super interesting, and even though I didn't have any background or context, I could totally follow along and appreciate what they were talking about.

And when he started talking about how one of their assignments is to go to the High Court and argue a 'Plea of Mitigation'... oh man, seriously. *sigh*...

Granted, this is probably 80% Grass-Is-Greener-On-The-Other-Side Syndrome, but I really do miss law. My first love. Medicine is great, no regrets whatsoever, but you never forget your first love... No matter how hard you try. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. :)

crash into me... please

(DMB)

You've got your ball
You've got your chain
Tied to me tight tie me up again
Who's got their claws
In you my friend
Into your heart
I'll beat again

Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
And sweet you roll
Lost for you
I'm so lost for you
You come crash into me
And I come into you

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you

If Ive gone overboard
Then I'm begging you
To forgive me
In my haste
When I'm holding you so girl
Close to me
Oh and you come crash
Into me, baby
And I come into you

... Tied up and twisted
The way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
Into me

the privilege of being in medical school

As part of our psych run we get assigned a pregnant lady to follow for a year-- antenatal, labour, postnatal, etc. My patient was due on Saturday, and I've been waiting to get paged most of last week and this weekend. And for the past couple nights I haven't been getting much sleep in anticipation of being paged during the night and neurotically worrying I would sleep through it.

And then, it began:

I got a call on my cell at 3.45am this morning from my lady who said she and her partner were heading to the hospital (good thing I went to bed pretty early last night!). I jumped out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and off to the hospital I drove.

Oh man, what a high. Labour. Birth. The miracle of life. LoL. It was the grossest, but most incredible, amazing, beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. There was a lot of screaming, a lot pain, a lot of yucky, gooey looking "stuff" (I won't elaborate), but as soon as the little guy entered the world two hours later all of that was, in some ways, miraculously forgotten. Sure you remember, but you forget.

And I held the little guy in my arms! I'd never held a baby before, and oh my goodness, I was in love. And he wasn't even mine.

There are no words to describe it.

I am converted. All that stuff I used to go on about how almost "parasitic"/"alien" pregnany seemed... no way, man. It's LIFE. And it's BEAUTIFUL.

There are no words.

how to be Korean 101

So there have been some interesting developments as of late, which I haven't really bought up mainly because I don't really like talking or writing about things as they're happening. I remember in elementary school how I would write in a diary -- "Hannah and me are *best* friends now!" "Drew talked to me today and I saved this piece of string he had on his desk!" etc. -- and cringing as I read it just a few years later. So now there's a bit of filtering I like to do before committing something to paper, whether in the form of letters, emails or blog. An interim period of reflection on my part, giving me enough time to take a step back and wait till the dust settles a bit before writing about whatever is going on.

All this to say, mum, dad and I have started going to a Korean church for over a month now. And it's been... surprising.

I went to a few back while we were living in Auckland; the parentals went to one while we were living in the States. But ever since the age when we could make decisions for ourselves, Kirsty and I have largely shied away from Korean churches. For me, partly because I've never had good experiences with Korean people/classmates (that is, until I started med school where my closest friends are now Korean; although they've spent more time in NZ than Korea which might explain why we get along so well), and partly because my Korean language skills are, how do I say this... well, virtually non-existent. Sure I may be able to carry a conversation if I must. But it takes a lot of effort, and frankly, I sound stupid. And I've never been one to like feeling stupid. (Hence my avoidance of social sports or singing/dancing in public.)

But, for various reasons, when I found out my parents had started going to a small Korean church while I was away at Timaru I went along with them when I got back.

Now, allow me, if you will, this piece of digression for the sake of context. I've been struggling a little in the past few months with the idea of religion. I guess every year I have periods where I struggle with a certain part of my faith, often related to me grappling with how my beliefs fit in with the world around me. Since my summer at Harvard in '04 and the two years following, my faith and trust in Christ has been, for lack of a better word, cemented on my heart where I no longer doubt the Truth. However, that doesn't mean I don't struggle with certain aspects of my faith throughout my life. I've always been a thinker. Even when a given situation may ultimately be black and white for me, I still need to go through the process of dealing with the other side's point of view as well as dealing with the grey zone in between, even if I know it won't change my bottom line. And in the world we live in today, with all the problems, and issues, and the pluralist nature of our society, I need to try to make sense of how my beliefs fit into it all. Other Christians find they don't need to, or find it easier to do than I. But... I don't know. It's different for me. And for the past few months, I've been thinking about the concept of religion. Maybe it's because I care a little too much about what other people/the larger society think about or how they percieve my faith; maybe it's because I find it somewhat eerie that a Mormon prayer, an Islamic prayer, a Jewish prayer and a Christian prayer can, at times, sound so strikingly similar; but I struggle with the idea of being "religious." Funny coming from the girl who was involved with Campus Crusade for Christ in her first two years of university, and then leader of Med Christian Fellowship... but I guess what I mean by "religious" is... I don't know. I think it's because "religion" in our day and age has gotten such a bad rap that I think if a bystander with no faith of any sort hears that I am a Christ Follower, then they will just brush it off as "Oh, that person's religious. Good for them. Whatever." I guess, it's the label of it all. And I've always hated being labelled as anything because I feel like then people might write me off, without taking a second to understand why or hear me out. This doesn't change what I believe, but it certainly gets me thinking.

I know that in the end it's about living your life for Christ, so often in no other way than your words, actions, and attitudes toward others. But frankly speaking, I've been messing that aspect of my life up so bad lately. I don't know how or when I let it get this... ugly. But I have. And it's going to be a slow process getting out of this hole I've dug for myself these past few months... but, at least I've finally started trying (once again).

This is where the Korean church comes in. It's strange how God always seems to use the most surprising and unexpected people to remind you of His awesome love and bring you back to Him. I started going mainly because I like the idea of going to church together with my parents, but also to make my mum happy with such little trouble to myself. I only meant to go with them once or twice, to show that I made the effort, but I never really considered staying on. First off, my past experiences with Korean churches have largely been such that I was expecting the usual church-is-more-of-a-cultural-thing, where ladies meet up to "chat" and young people socialise -- personally, I have never found that very conducive to my learning and growing in faith. And second, the whole, my Korean sucks thing. I can't sing along because I can't read Korean, and I have no clue what the pastor is talking about during his sermon -- obviously, following a conversation about what you did last weekend is totally different from thoughts on the Gospel of Matthew. Anyways, so I didn't actually expect to keep going; just a temporary thing while I figured out what was going on inside my own head, with the added bonus of making mum and dad extra happy.

But what I found has totally surprised me. It's actually a really small church with hardly any other adults and barely a handful of university students. Besides the pastor, my dad is like the only other "adult" male (i.e. kids, job, etc.). BUT -- now here's the kicker -- all of the students are seriously committed Christians. Seriously. Like Whoa. And they're nice! And interesting! And most of them are, even more strangely, of the male persuasion. Korean churches often have way more girls than guys, but the actual backbone of this church are the guy students. What a rare sight indeed. And although there are a fair number who can't speak English very well, there are a few who speak English just as well as they speak Korean... so it IS possible! LoL. Who knew?

Anyways, so all this to say, I find myself in these unexpected situations once again. And this time I'm starting to learn how to be a little more Korean -- in a good way. They really do interact differently with one another, and have entirely different unspoken social "rules of engagement" than Western/European people, the latter of which I have grown so accustomed to these past sixteen years. But, with all that's happened this year, it's a nice change. It's refreshing. And, you know what? In a lot of ways, it just feels right. To some degree, I'm starting to see the value in those unspoken rules. Respect, etiquette, brotherly-sisterly affection in a completely non-dodgy and uncomplicated way. I'm just trying to get a handle on some of these "rules of engagement" before I blatantly break every one of them... although, they're all super nice so I don't think they'll hold it against me. :)

Bottom line? For the first time in my life, I'm wanting to learn how to be... just a little more Korean.

...and do you ever hear voices in your head?

I talked to a patient all by myself for the first time in psychiatry today! Whoop-whoop! And I survived. Although...

Me: And do you ever hear voices in your head, or see things around you that aren't real?

Patient X: What, like the voice that's telling me to kill you right now?? HaHAhaHAha...

Me: [inner monologue] Holy crappers. Don't freak out, Anna, don't freak out. You know he's just joking... you know he's not schizophrenic. Stay calm.

Oh, what a day.

If choosing a specialty in medicine was purely about lifestyle, I can totally see how appealing psychiatry might be. You just sit there all day, literally repeat what the patient says back to them every once in a while ("You say there's tension?" "Sad?" "Can you tell me a bit more about that?" "What do you mean by that?" etc), then write it all down. And make like however many hundred bucks an hour for it! Well, maybe you don't get paid quite that much in NZ (prob in the States you would!), but you get the gist. You don't even have to stand up or move or touch people. And it's quiet. And you'd probably get a huge office. And plenty of downtime, like starting at 9am, going home for lunch, doing a bit of work from home, then the gym, then whatever. Nice!

too close to home

Is it weird that I'm diagnosing every other person I know with one of the personality disorders?

If personality disorders are extreme versions of normal personalities, then in a population of medical students it must be expected -- nay, natural -- to find so many of us edging to the extremes.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder? The diagnostic criteria sound eerily familiar...

"stop this train"??

Week one of psychiatry has come and gone and it's been... interesting. I just still can't believe how much free time I have right now. I don't know what to do with myself! Hopefully it'll pick up soon enough, and/or I'll garner up the courage to actually approach/talk to patients alone. Although, I'm not even sure if we can do that at the hospital I'm in. I really should be using this plethora of time wisely, studying either psych or reviewing all that medicine since I know I won't have any downtime to study at the end of the year while I'm on surgery... theoretically, I know this to be true... theoretically.

It was also my 21st birthday on Thursday, and I had such an awesome day! Just a bunch of little things, little things that made me smile. I finished up at the hospital before lunch and since Kirsty had taken the day off work for her doctor's appointment we hung out for the rest of the day doing things of absolutely no significance whatsoever. And it was nice. Then dinner out with friends, about fifteen of us, at hands down the BEST restaurant in all of Dunedin and I would go even further to say the South Island! I just adore Turkish food -- the one restaurant I loved while on our UK/Ireland trip last summer was a tiny Turkish place hidden away in Notting Hill, London. And now, a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon this absolutely gorgeous Turkish place right here in Dunedin! Took six years for me to find (why didn't anyone tell me about it??!?) and now I'm hooked. I went there a couple times in a week before my birthday dinner, and after having my 21st there, I'm pretty sure the staff all recognize me now. I went back there for my family birthday meal too this weekend. Told you I was hooked. But the dinner with friends was really... nice. I'm always torn about whether I should do a "big-ish" thing for birthdays. I get excited at the idea, but then remember that I don't really like big parties, much rather getting coffee or dinner with one or a few friends at a time. Good conversation is lost -- almost non-existent -- at large parties, so what's the point unless you're there to get drunk? Anyways, but my dinner turned out to be quite fun. I'm glad I had it. It was great to see all my friends from various times and places in my life come together.

As for presents? :) I asked mum and dad not to get me anything this year since they did more than enough already, helping me pay for my trip to Seattle. Kirsty took me shopping ages ago as my 21st birthday present, but she ended up getting me something else as well -- The Complete Jane Austen Novels, deluxe edition! I love it! I'd been telling her how I wanted to read the other ones, and how I should go buy more of them... and now I have them all! I've started Mansfield Park. :) Another friend of mine got me the most gorgeous scarf (she knows me so well!), and another got me this Latin Jazz CD (we share an eclectic taste in music) and also a fountain pen (encouraging me to keep up my writing in my spare time -- how lovely!). I'm addicted to writing with fountain pens now. And the combination of fountain pen on Moleskin notebook paper? So smooth, so silky, so... cathartic! Some other friends got me coffee vouchers from my favourite coffee shop. Money well spent! Also got chocolates and other various trinkets. It was so great of everyone to get me stuff; I never really like getting presents cos there's not much I want or need (usually just getting it myself at the time)... but it was so thoughtful of them all.

More reflections on being 21 and CHANGE later (cos there's plenty of it going on right now!), but suffice it to say, life keeps chugging along as always. Fast enough to keep me busy, slow enough for me to catch my breath every so often. Life keeps chugging along, whether I like it or not.

I'm 21 now... weird.

the riviera of the antarctic

It's been so cold these past few days I've been staying inside if at all possible. Not just cold, but snowy and rainy... The rain has been pelting down so much it's been keeping me awake at night. Despite the antarctic chill that's so common in Dunedin, it doesn't really rain that much per se. After living in Seattle for four years you'd think my subconscious would be eternally used to the sound of rain... but as these past few days have proved, no such luck.

Thus I'm wide awake at 5.31am. Doesn't help that I start back up at med school today. Maybe that's aggravating matters that much more.

Given this weather I want to flick into hibernation mode. I now regret doing relatively so much during my break... I should have stayed in bed more.