hemingway wannabe

I got hands-down the coolest Christmas gift from a good friend of mine from the States. It arrived a couple days ago and at first I had no idea what it was. I had never heard of Moleskine notebooks, let alone the city/travel versions, and I was a little confused when I saw little maps of Madrid inside. But upon closer examination, I realised just how awesome those Moleskine notebooks actually are! And Madrid? Of course! Four years ago, in 2003, the person who sent me this gift as well as another friend of ours and myself made a pact to meet up in Madrid in ten years time -- 2013. What a cool present!

I think I'm hooked now. I've been on Amazon (which I really shouldn't be doing!) and browsing through all the different kinds of notebooks available... and I'm making a list, to say the least!

the wheel of death

If I were a more disciplined person I would carry a little notebook with me at all times to jot down random thoughts I have at the most unexpected moments throughout my day. The reason why I bring it up is because for the past couple weeks there have been countless random thoughts I wanted to write about but now... I've forgotten most of them. Oh well, none of it was particularly interesting or life-changing anyways so it's not much of a loss. Like I said, if I were a more disciplined person...

Moving on.

I hate driving. I know I've said this before and I've put it off for five years but the more I learn, the more I can't stand the idea of driving and cars and... anything else associated with me having to sit behind the wheel. Granted, I do experience a sort of power and independence when I get out of the car with keys jingling in hand, but I would give that up in a nanosecond to be free from all the hassle that comes with it. And it's not just a question of my preference -- I'm thinking of the safety of the rest of society when I say I should never be allowed to drive. Evidence, you say? Okay then:

Instance 1: One busy afternoon about a week ago, there were lots of cars on the road -- at least two right in front of me -- and as I was approaching a round-about I turned and entered it without even looking right. What's worse, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO LOOK RIGHT. It's not that I couldn't see the car coming at me, it's not that there was something obstructing my view, my mind simply forgot to look.

Instance 2: After parking at a supermarket and turning the engine off, I tried taking the keys out but they just wouldn't budge. No matter how much I yanked, jiggled, pulled, turned, they just wouldn't come out. So I got out of the car and switched seats with my mum who tried for about a minute before I noticed... that the gear was still in drive mode and I hadn't put on the emergency breaks. I JUST TRYING TO TAKE THE KEYS OUT WHILE THE CAR COULD STILL MOVE.

Instance 3: Turning right into the video store. Me: "Hey, that guy who works at the video store must be walking there right now." Kirsty: "Did you even look to see if there were any cars coming??!!??" ... No. I was thinking about the video store guy.

I'm telling you, I'm a hazard. If by some miracle I actually pass my test in January, it will probably be a total fluke and you should not come near me should you see me behind the wheel... I guess I am my own worst critic and all this complaining might just be because I hate doing things I'm not good at (hence I never really understood the idea of "social sports," but that's for another day).

I should just move to London. That would solve EVERYTHING.

a promise I can't keep

It's really starting to feel like vacation -- Friday morning I was so incredibly, indescribably, painfully bored. TV doesn't interest me as much as of late, sadly enough, our DVD collection is getting too stagnant (it's in dire need of an update!), and though I tried reading one of the books that has been taking up space on my bookshelf for a couple years, it just wouldn't do. Not that day. Not that morning. I can't remember the last time I was bored. This is why I need things to do over summer. Boredom and I do NOT get along, at all.

Although, having said that, I really should start working on my summer research project again, things I should finish before my supervisor gets back in a few weeks...

Despite all my complaints, being bored in theory does make me feel good. I know my life is on a path which, the more I progress, the more there is no looking back and that being bored is something I'll miss in a few years. So it's a love-hate relationship.

Exciting news! Every year I go though a period where I vacillate between should I or should I not go back to the States to see all my old friends from Junior High. While planning my trip to the UK I spent some time seriously considering just that, but in the end, opted not to - not this year. And you know what? I'm glad I did! Because less than a couple weeks ago one of my closest friends from Seattle got ENGAGED. It's wild because we're only twenty years old, but then again if you've met that person, then why not, huh? It's so sweet. And incredibly exciting. I'm so happy for her. And I've decided to go! Her timing couldn't be more perfect because it coincides with the first day of my mid-semester break this coming April.

It's funny because on our trip home from the UK, we found out while checking in at Dublin Airport that Kirsty's valid but non-machine readable passport meant she couldn't enter the US, not even in transit. It was a horrible end to our trip, me having to leave her behind in Heathrow not knowing what would happen to her: Would she have to find a place to stay? Call the US/NZ Embassy? Buy completely new one-way tickets home avoiding the US? On the flight from Dublin to Heathrow, I was literally balling my eyes out cos I hated the idea of leaving her behind like that, SWEARING never to enter the States EVER AGAIN. Oh, how one should never swear because here I am, not two weeks later and planning a trip to the good old United States of America. Why, oh why, are they so strict?? But I guess their sovereignty is theirs to do with it what they wish.

I digress. So there it is. I'm going to Seattle. FINALLY. I've waited almost six years for this! It's been a long six years since I've seen most my friends there, with the exception for a few who came to visit me at Harvard. But even that was three years ago! Man, time goes by fast... retrospectively, it really does feel like a blink of the eye.

Stars

Looking back at my last entry, I can't believe it's been a month since all that. The trip was fantastic and there are no regrets here. This was definitely just the beginning of my future UK experiences -- not so much as holidays but more to work and live. And I look forward to that time. :)) But untill then, the memories I now have from this trip will have to suffice!

Speaking of memories, a highlight of Edinburgh has to have been the pub next to our hostel where the loveliest, cutest ginger-haired Scotsman works and has, hands down, the best taste in music. We went back three times, each time leaving with album recommendations, one of which is now in my personal top five.





"Take Me To The Riot," Stars. From their latest album, In The Bedroom After The War. Man, is it great. I can't seem to get enough of it.

pure loveliness, pure excitement!

Two more sleeps until we'll be in London, one of which is gonna be in Christchurch. Needless to say, I'm SO excited! After a somewhat tiring and extremely busy first week of summer vacation, I'm ready to become exhausted in a different way, a good way. I love being a student because one, you're guaranteed big chunks of time off like this, but more than that, that time off is 100% responsibility and worry free. I'm gonna miss that when it's gone, so I've vowed to make the most of it while I still can. And I think I am, so far.

Starting my research project last week instead of trying to do the whole four weeks in January was such a great idea because it's given me the freedom to work on it in December while my supervisor is away and I technically won't be getting paid. As my LOVELY supervisor wrote in an email to an external party, "Although Anna is not officially working after this week until January, she is very conscientious and will probably do some work in between." Lovely, just lovely! Since he's from the UK we talked for ages on Friday about this and that, him giving me tips on my trip for safety and so forth, and then gave me his home number and said to call at any time if there's anything I need, especially if I needed a "local's" advice and/or help! Even though I have travel insurance, I now feel 100% okay in the instance I get hurt because, hello! I totally have the hook-up to the British Health System and all the top surgeons over there! Hehehe...

The other thing that's been going surprisingly excellent lately is our med student journal which I've been involved with since I started out in medicine. It takes me back to my Yearbook Editor days in the States and I love it. A small glimpse of the alternate life I could have had had I decided to go down a more humanities-oriented path. Which leads me to even more good news as of late, which is that I managed to get my hands on super cheap, basically half-price tickets to fly up to Auckland at the end of January! It'll be so refreshing to just get away by myself for a few nights, meet up with people, have breakfast on the Viaduct, go shopping... lol. And of course, meet some of the Auckland journal crew and most definitely our awesome Chair. It'll be a fun mini-trip! :)) I just hope the weather will be nice.

Other than that, I have to spend the day packing because we're leaving tomorrow! Exciting. I still have a butt load of errands to run and I'm meeting a friend for lunch today too, all of which will keep me busy busy.

It seems I haven't had a moment to breathe this year and it's not slowing down any now with vacation. Funny that.

josh lyman and his receding hairline

Have picked up The Woman In White once again after a very long hiatus during the horror that was exams (yes, that is how I will be referring to it for the rest of my life). I have forgotten how good it is, even though it's taking me forever to get through this 600+ page book.

"There can be no doubt - though some strange perversity prevents me from seeing it myself - there can be no doubt that Laura's future husband is a very handsome man. Regular features form a personal advantage to begin with - and he has them. Bright brown eyes, either in man or woman, are a great attraction - and he has them. Even baldness, when it is only baldness over the forehead (as in his case), is rather becoming, than not, in a man, for it heightens the head and adds to the intelligence of the face."

Collins has perfectly captured with words my ineffable infatuation with Bradley Whitford (of West Wing, not Studio 60).

goodbye brachial plexus?

As you can see my wall is naked once again, with the exception of my brachial plexus masterpiece from second year. All the other notes, drawings, diagrams and post-its that were covering that bare space you see now was ripped off with incredible fierceness after the horror that was Friday exams (aka repressed memories). I really should take down the plexus also, but I can't seem to part with it. Plus, I might need it again in the not-too-distant future, riiiiight? Note: notice how the posterior branch runs behind the yellow-cellophane representing the brachial artery. I know, amazing. And no, this is not how I usually spend my time but manipulating pipe-cleaners to form this work of art was not only semi-fun but it beat drawing out the brachial plexus a thousand times. Oh, the good old days of second year.

Two days into my break and I'm already waist-deep into my summer research project which is going very well I have to admit. Although the weather's not very summer-y. Darn.

Watched 28 Weeks Later last night and couldn't fall asleep for a very long time. My worst nightmare is without a doubt that scene with the three main characters walking along the underground subway tracks in complete and utter darkness with crazy rage-virus-infected zombies potentially around every corner and dead bodies covering the ground -- oh. my. goodness.

FINALLY

It's finally all over. Exams are finished. Third year is over. Yet I'm not my usual reflective self this year. It's been an indescribably long year, a real growing period, academically, emotionally, spiritually... and I'm just tired. I want to forget all about the year, go watch all the movies I want to whenever I want, leave for my trip and put it all behind me. Not necessarily because it was a bad year but because I feel like whenever I think about the year it starts to deplete me of all my energy.

And after what happened yesterday afternoon, I'm not really in a celebratory mood. I'm just looking forward to the summer.

Went to our class dinner last night which I left early with a couple friends of mine to go down to the beach and get some dessert at Esplanade. It was really nice. A great way to end the night and the year. Finally. It's over.

type I hypersensitivity

I think I have become allergic to studying: every time I try I get a thumping headache and feel extremely nauseated. Hmmm... Oh well, if I don't know it by now, I don't know it. Three days till the end of exams!! Fourteen days till I leave for Europe!!

and what about those who can't just wake themselves up?

I had a real nightmare last night for the first time since I was ten and dreamed of flying monkeys after watching Wizard of Oz. Even stranger because the night before I had the most fun and random dream where I was at Donna and David's wedding in an episode of Beverly Hills 90210, but I digress. The dream last night began as a seemingly innocent Grey's Anatomy episode, but ended with... serious human rights abuses. The images and events must of been from my StreetTalking days for Amnesty International -- genocide, child soldiers, etc. -- and it was darn scary. My brain did that thing where you wake yourself up as a defense mechanism so I was wide awake at 3.30am thinking of how... I should be more involved with Amnesty and the like. Especially this year I've resorted to just giving money, and although that's important, I dunno... man it was scary... it was a dream and it freaked me out so bad; I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like for a woman in Darfur... and here I am in New Zealand where my biggest worry is passing an exam. Just doesn't seem right... it just doesn't seem right.

Dig! no more

It's official: I am no longer procrastinating -- I have just given up altogether. Procrastination by definition means putting something off in order to do it later, right? Well, I've given up trying to bulldoze through everything I have left to do. I have just given up. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop studying period (cos that's just silly), but I am no longer worried about trying to get through everything on my list because... it's just not possible. They keeping telling us medicine is about knowing your limitations, right? Well, this, I have decided, is one of them. I have finally accepted there is no humanly way of finishing everything so I am just going to stop trying. Oh well. Plus, my number one talent is and has always been making stuff up in context and, most of the time, not being too off the mark, so here's to whatever or whoever it was that helped me perfect the art of proverbial b.s.

There have been a couple random things I've been wanting to write about including the two-headed (Siamese?) tulips in our garden (no jokes) and a follow-up on my darn blister-causing Nikes... but anon...

I've been reading our Great Britain Lonely Planet more and more lately because we've been trying to decide which day-trips out of London we're going to pay for before we leave (over $300 worth!! so expensive!) and it's all getting incredibly exciting! Just three weeks left... I love it!

Laurie or Friedrich

So I've been thinking about Little Women lately, the movie, not the book because I'm ashamed to admit I have yet to read the book. More specifically, about Jo and Laurie and Friedrich. The first time I saw the movie I was about twelve and I couldn't for the life of me understand WHY JO REJECTED LAURIE. He was so sweet and completely in love with her, not to mention, majorly rich and handsome (Christian Bale! Hello!!?!) and such a natural and easy member of their family. That scene in the forest where he proposes and she rejects him utterly broke my heart. AND THEN, and then, to watch her fall in love with that OLD MAN (Gabriel Byrne! Hello!!?!). Ew. Why??

That was the twelve old Anna. And the fact that I've been thinking about it lately... well... the fact that I'm writing about it... I guess it wouldn't be surprising for me to say I think I may have changed my mind. The twenty year old Anna has to, I'm afraid to admit, agree with Jo. I get it now. And you know what? She made the right decision. Which has got me thinking... about a lot of things really. And I don't think it's just because I'm older now. I don't think...

I've been sitting outside for the past couple hours enjoying the warm breeze and on-again-off-again rain, listening to John Mayer's oldies and reminiscing about... a lot of things... and thinking about Little Women. LoL.

the lives of others

The weather was so great today putting me in an unusually good mood in anticipation for summer which seems just around the corner. Sundays are always such great days -- days of rest, as it should be. I didn't get any studying done but I feel so relaxed and rejuvenated which has (hopefully) put me in good stead for the study week ahead. Slept in, did a bit of Lonely Planet reading in bed (since our trip is now only THREE WEEKS AWAY!!!), went on a walk around the neighbourhood with my mum after breakfast (she's the equivalent of a pet puppy! :)); then church and a family bbq lunch. But the highlight of my day was the Sunday Afternoon Concert at the university Music Department. They usually have student showcases every week but these Sunday Afternoon Concerts happen only maybe once a month and feature professors, lecturers and other 'professionals' and man, it was brilliant! My first time experiencing a quartet featuring the piano, violin, viola and cello and it was incredible. Hearing it 'live' really is different to listening to classical music at home over the stereo. They played three pieces over the two hours, my favourite being Richard Strauss: Piano Quartet in C minor, op. 13. WoW.

Sometimes I forget how people live such different lives. To be a classical musician... I wouldn't even know where to start in my imagination if I tried to picture what that would be like. I can only appreciate what they do from afar as an ignorant fan. And just how did people, way back whenever it was, invent musical instruments like the piano and cello and violin?? How did they come up with the idea that if you hollow out this part and put strings here and here, you'd produce this utterly indescribable sound?? Watching the news and the like you would think if human beings were to leave a legacy it'd be all destruction and pain, but then you hear... you hear something like that and there is no other way to describe it than, transcendent. It's hard to be eloquent -- watch The Lives of Others and you'll get my full meaning.

retraction

Apparently, my study limit isn't seven hours... poo. Now I have no excuse. Maybe it was being at the library, but I seriously need more days like today. *sigh*

martha stewart, sans the $$, part II

I can't believe it's Wednesday already -- the week is basically over. Studying has been incredibly slow, but steady so you gotta give me some credit. I think on average I've only been able to get about seven hours per day of actual studying done... which isn't a lot if you consider there are twenty-four hours a day, fifteen to sixteen if you exclude sleeping (which reminds me, I've been sleeping waaaaaay too much lately! yes, do the math and that's nine hours!), so what do I do with the rest of that time?? I can't get myself to type the words cos the truth is too, too difficult to face.

Hmm... even though seven hours isn't nearly enough, my brain feels SO tired of just constantly studying or thinking about how I should be studying when I'm not... every so often, it just needs a break. And today was a baking kind of day! Conditions were perfect! Empty house? Check. Cold, scary, stormy weather so I can warm up in the kitchen? Check. PERFECT rainy day and subsequent baking music in the form of the first Dawson's Creek soundtrack? Check. (Think what you will about the show, that's one good soundtrack! Takes me straight back to the year 2000 and She's All That. Oh, that Freddie!) Like I said, conditions were perfect.

I thought I screwed up the brownies so I melted a butt load of dark chocolate to pour over the top and in the end they turned out really great! The M&M cookies were perfect as always. :))

But what really made my day were the AWESOME noodle boxes I got at Spotlight on Sunday. I mean, I knew they would be the perfect means of giving away my home-baked goodies, but I didn't realize they'd look this great as well as being so practical!

Today was just a trial run for Christmas, but they turned out amazing! The ribbons worked really well, though a tad bit expensive, but ultimately worth doing. They just wouldn't be the same without the ribbon. :))

martha stewart, sans the $$

I'm glad I have two full weeks to study before exams, with no classes, etc., cos I really do need it. Didn't get anything done today, which makes me feel slight guilty, but hopefully it'll give me the drive I need throughout the week... or, more realistically, the drive I need for tomorrow at the least. LoL.

Got around to the gym today for the first time in a couple weeks which was nice. I'm really going to try to make the effort to go at least every other day up until exams cos I know if I don't I'm just gonna feel... icky. And it's not like I don't have an hour or two to spare... it'd be a nice break too. Although, I think there's something inherently wrong with my Nike's cos I keep getting these horrible blisters on my foot when I run for a couple miles, even after bandaging it up. Hmmm... it's a shame cos they were pretty expensive and... they're Nike's! That shouldn't happen with Nike's... urrrr...

After catching the second half of the Rugby World Cup final this morning (that Jonny Wilkinson is sooooo... mhmmm...) and then church, Kirsty and I went out to town for an hour to grab some Starbucks, run a few errands and visit the lab cos a couple of our friends/workmates were stuck working the weekend! At some point during the conversation I think I promised to bake them all a bunch of my famous brownies the DAY AFTER Kirsty and I get back from our trip to the UK. Nonnegotiable cos that day is both a birthday and wedding anniversary of the aforementioned workmates. Baking through jet lag -- should be interesting. Probably not as yummy cos I won't be channeling in as much of that home baking love(!) but we'll see.

Which leads me to my final and most important revelation of the day: Spotlight ROCKS. Kirsty had to go there for some reason and I was perusing random aisles when I came across all these AWESOME "crafty" things like scrapbook, frames, boxes, chocolate moulds! Not to mention, incredibly cheap gift boxes, ribbons, wraps and the like. AND, wait for it, NOODLE BOXES!!!


Paper AND plastic; plain AND patterned. Perfect for when I give people home-baked goods! Man, I'm so excited for Christmas so I can start baking like WOAH. And my big goal for the summer is to find and MASTER the perfect apple pie recipe! :))

insidious... like addisons, ha!

I must say it's been a full-on twenty four hours. After (trying) to study all day yesterday I left for work in the late afternoon and, as always, hoped for a relatively quiet night. When it comes to the lab you can end up having three kind of nights:

a.) unbelievably quiet tantamount to having absolutely nothing to do so you end up spending your entire shift reading cnn.com inside out, figuratively speaking. Usually correlating to really bad weather where people can't be bothered to leave their house to get their blood drawn. These shifts, though mind-numbingly boring, are my favourite but they're pretty rare.

b.) Not too quiet, not too busy, like the past few weeks where I've managed to finish all my work about a half hour early. Nice!

c.) Non-stop. Crazy. The worst part of these nights is that it is usually insidious in onset, ie. you don't even see it coming. Last night was one of these nights, and what made it that much more harder was all these little things that could go wrong did go wrong! Tracking things down, sending away tests, spilling blood on myself(!) -- I appreciate lab coats and finally get what they're for, getting horrible static shocks every time I took my lab coat off(!! not fun), and not to mention, 24hr urines. Ugh. The most unpleasant part of the job. And man do those acid urines stink. It's important though; needs to get done.

I definitely earned my money last night. I was so incredibly tired by the time I got home, especially considering I didn't sleep very well the night before (should NOT have coffee past dinner time, no matter how tempting).

Today? Studying, studying, studying... then my parents hosted a barbecue for some family friends which was great... but pretty full-on. I had fun though. Ate SO much; it was nice.

Crazy twenty-four hours... but don't ask me what I spent the past two hours doing. I will not confirm or deny that I was watching the Pussycat Dolls finale... with my mum and dad. LoL.

mhmm... salmon... yum

Watching Chemical Brothers, The Salmon Song, music video on C4:





Me: Wait, hold on don't change the channel, I wanna see what video this is... oh, it's this one. It's kind of weird, but Kirsty likes it...

[Thirty seconds later]

Mum: Eugh. It's gross, those fish. [pauses] It is a weird video... no wonder Kirsty likes it... She likes those Disney movies.


Disney movies?? Took me a while to see the connection.

FYI: incase you haven't noticed, the frequency of posts is inversely proportional to the amount of studying I'm getting done. Ugh. And I'm working tomorrow night too...

the nicer dicer: true germen ingenuity

Two more weeks till exams, but in my mind the year is now officially over. Hence, spending the morning watching re-runs of Home and Away and infomercials for the (mind-blowing) Nicer Dicer. Neuroanatomy? What neuroanatomy???




On days when I actually do manage to sit down and get some studying done, it's surprisingly been going pretty darn great. What I mean is that I'm no longer just approaching it as 'bulk memorising' but I think I'm finally (after three years) starting to piece IT together. They're no longer separate body systems but part of one body; when things go wrong, I'm beginning to understand not just what else goes wrong but why. I can talk my way through it... and it makes sense. Hopefully I'm not wrong to be approaching it this way, but it's making me feel pretty darn good, like this is what med school should be about.


On a different note, a friend of mine from class is not only a scary-smart student but also, as I was able to witness for myself this week, a scary-talented bassoonist! He's been taking a performance paper at the university (on top of classes) for "fun" and had his examination recital on Tuesday. A bunch of us went along and it was so worth it! I got to experience the awesome-ness of the bassoon for the very first time with its thick, rich sound; the only way I can describe it is like gorgeous dark chocolate melting slowly in your mouth. I have to say I enjoyed it almost, almost, as much as listening to the cello. My favourite piece was when he was accompanied by the cello and the harpsichord. Wow. Talk about impressive. I'm beginning to realise, med school is full of seriously impressive people.

whadyasay?

Sometimes I wonder what an 'outsider' might think if they heard bits of our everyday conversation out of context (as I'm sure happens more than I realise):

"Stephen said if you can't get pregnant in a year you are infertile."

"So the uterus leans forward and bends forward?"

"If the same nerves supply both peeing and pooing, then how come you don't pee and poo together every time?"

And so it goes...


FYI: I watched Over The Hedge today, and I just loved that when Hammy got that boost of caffeine from the energy drink, his pupils dilated and correctly so!

seven seemingly insignificant days

'Research' for our big trip to the UK in five weeks time has most definitely included checking out concert dates for my favourite artists/bands, taking advantage of the fact that we'll be in 'major' cities where performers actually go.

Ben Folds hasn't got any tour dates planned (I still kick myself for not seeing him in Boston in summer of '04 when I so easily could have!!!); we'll be missing John Mayer's performance by a couple weeks or so (but we saw him last summer in Auckland, which was brilliant! Don't think we could top that); dates kind of match up with Maroon 5 (+Dashboard) but we'll have to figure out some way of getting to and back from cities outside London which might be a wee bit difficult so we'll see (although I saw Maroon 5 when they opened for John Mayer in Boston, '04); they must not like Yo-Yo Ma much in the UK cos it seems like he's going to all the key cities in Europe except the UK(!); and last, but not least, David Gray... DAVID GRAY... THE one performer I am dying to see at least once before I die, hopefully sooner rather than later. And what makes the whole situation just painful to think about is that YES, he will indeed be giving not one, but THREE performances in London, all of which I will be missing by ONE WEEK!!!! I have no words to describe my utter heartache. Oh what a difference a week can make...

Had I known this back in July when buying our plane tickets, I would have seriously pushed our trip forward by a week... it was a pretty arbitrary decision in the first place - we just chose random dates!! Oh what a difference a week can make...

Chapter 8

With the introductory 'orientation' sessions we've had this week in preparation for next year (the beginning of our clinical years!) I must say I'm am SO ready for fourth year. It's incredibly exciting, thinking about being in the hospital, learning to interact with patients, and beginning this next chapter of our lives as medical students. I remember meeting fourth years when I started med school and how 'advance' they seemed... and now we're fourth years! What a wild ride; every year is truly a new adventure.







One thing's for sure -- it's motivated me to really knuckle down and start some serious exam studying, so that's helped! And so have these:

My boss and his wife grow daffodils and roses, among many other flowers, on their property and even sell them at various times throughout the year! And them being the absolutely lovely people that they are gave me a bunch to take home with me today. My room now officially smells like daffodils... and it's made my day!

a lifeline, it seems

I've come to realise this year that one of the things which helps keep me... grounded, you could say, during exams is having leisure reading on hand. Last semester it was Jane Austen's Persuasion, and this semester it seems to be Wilkie Collins' The Woman In White... and it's gooooood. Truly creepy at times and amazing writing throughout! Brilliantly crafted narration. And though there are many parts worthy of quoting, I must admit, this has been my favourite so far (it may or may not be related to the fact that one of my good friends got engaged this past weekend! How sweet!!):

"The secret which that confession discloses should be told with little effort, for it has indirectly escaped me already. The poor weak words which have failed to describe Miss Fairlie, have succeeded in betraying the sensations she awakened in me. It is so with us all. Our words are giants when they do us an injury, and dwarfs when they do us a service.

I loved her.

Ah! how well I know all the sadness and all the mockery that is contained in those three words. I can sigh over my mournful confession with the tenderest woman who reads it and pities me. I can laugh at it as bitterly as the hardest man who tosses it from him in contempt. I loved her! Feel for me, or despise me, I confess it with the same immovable resolution to own the truth...


All memory of the past, all thought of the future, all sense of the falseness and hopelessness of my own position, lay hushed within me into deceitful rest. Lulled by the Syren-song that my own heart sung to me, with eyes shut to all sight, and ears closed to all sound of danger, I drifted nearer and nearer to the fatal rocks. The warning that aroused me at last, and startled me into sudden, self-accusing consciousness of my own weakness, was the plainest, the truest, the kindest of all warnings, for it came silently from her."


Man, it's good!!! :))

oh glorious morning!

Summer is almost here and I cannot wait!! :)) I feel like the gorgeous tulips in our garden that are just about to burst! Three more weeks... c'mon!

perfect faithfulness

Though my senioritis is, for the most part, behind me now, I've found myself in what feels like yet another 'study rut,' mainly because of anatomy. It's never been my strong-point, but what's worse, it just doesn't fit with the way I study. To cut a long story short, all I seem to be doing with my time as of late is attempting to study anatomy and failing to do so... hence the procrastination. I could, theoretically, go and study another area (which would be all hunky dory), but it's not like I can brush off this ever-increasing amount of anatomy study forever... sadly enough.

Other than that, I've actually started to go to a new church the past few weeks with my dad (and mum, when she chooses to tag along) and it's been really great. Actually, more than just 'really great' but fantastic, surprisingly enough. I guess even though I had been attending my previous church for about three years now, I've never really felt completely a part of it. That's probably why I never became an official member, unlike my sister who is so into it! But this new place is pretty incredible. Tiny, I grant you -- smaller than my old church, if that's even possible -- but everything they do just... fits. And it's been really challenging too, which I love. It's starting to make me thirst for God, the Spirit and His word again, in a way I haven't been for a long time.

You know what's incredible? That God uses everyone - sometimes the most unlikely person or people - to show his perfect faithfulness. There had been several quasi-'big' issues that have been on my mind these past couple weeks, and they had been starting to weigh me down quite a lot, each in their own way. Things I had to do, things occupying and dominating most of my thoughts - in a not so great way. And so I'd been praying about them a lot, but seemingly to no avail. Then on Friday, ALL OF IT just resolved -- all those issues sorted themselves out... somehow. And all that was required of me was to sit back and passively watch it all unfold, all the while just praising God for how awesome he truly is. And what I find really amazing is that these people and situations and events -- which to anyone else might seem like it has nothing to do with God -- was really God's incredibly clear voice reminding me that he's got everything under control.

I think one of the big steps I've taken in my Christian growth this year -- another chip God's made in my life-long Christ-like transformation -- is really understanding God's perfect faithfulness and learning to have confidence in that. God can only show his faithfulness if you let him - you have to give him the opportunity. You have to trust him with something first, before he can come through for you. It's common sense really. And all these tiny steps I've taken this year, putting things before Him, asking him to just be control, has allowed me to really experience his awesome faithfulness in a way I haven't experienced before. How great is our God!

Aerosol carinogens et al

I've found myself unexpectedly busy this past week, with barely enough time or sleep. I'm not sure why... Trying to make the most of the day by studying whenever I can, and then, once I get home, working on various non-study related stuff. Sometimes I forget that I actually am involved with other things -- I keep signing up or voluntaring to do things because I think I have the time when... I don't really.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I know there are a lot of people out there who do so much more, plus, I enjoy everything I do. It's just caught me off guard this week, that's all.

Last night I went out with a friend for dinner and a movie which was so much fun. One of the few people I've remained in touch with from my high school days (although, we didn't actually go to the same high school; we knew each other through a mutual friend who moved to Canberra a few years ago). Anyways, it was great seeing her and how great she's doing. She really is thriving in university, academically, and I'm really proud of her. I have so much respect and awe for people who aren't necessarily born extra smart or talented but who work their butts off to reach that same level as others who have, to various degress, 'genetics' on their side and take it for granted. She's double majoring in English and Film (hoping to get into journalism) as well as working at the movie theatre part-time (free movies for me!!) so she's incredibly busy -- we have that in common. I got some good book recommendations, as well as a promise that in a couple years when I'm studying for OSCEs she'll act out various patient scenarios for me! Her theatre background made use of!!

We watched Hairspray, and it was AWESOME. Hahaha... My face was literally sore from the ginormous grin I had plastered on my face from beginning to end! Sometimes a little cheesiness and wholesome goodness goes a long way, especially in the world we live in today. To just forget about your day and enjoy a world where good always wins out in the end over bad. The plot was so incredibly lovely and inspirational as well. If I ever build a time machine, without a doubt I'd want to go back to America during the 60s: civil rights, women's rights, NASA, JFK, the first heart transplant performed... it really was a period of hope.

gravity

I met a truly inspiring man this weekend. An intelligent, educated, eloquent, passionate and funny man, not to mention an amazing story teller, who shared a bit of his life with me. Growing up in Cape Town, involved in the Nelson-Mandela-activism of their time, he explained to me the difference between a coloured man and a black man.

For what I think was the first time in my life I felt like I was in the presence of someone truly GREAT - someone who commandeered your attention in the best way possible. It got me thinking... either there aren't that many like this man in the world, or I have a lot more of the world left to see.

medical (student) ingenuity 101

Conversation via text during lecture today:

Jane: Can you get sued for doing pro-bono surgery?

Me: I guess, if you do it wrong... probably more likely in places like America where everyone gets pissed off easily. Why?

Jane: Just wondering... I thought of fixing varicose veins for free and then using the leftover vein for angioplasty.


So funny. But the most hilarious part of it, albeit a little scary, was that I'm pretty sure she wasn't joking.

cos i'm leee-eaving on a jet plane...

Extremely busy day today, strangely enough, going in and out of town about four times but... WE PICKED UP OUR TICKETS!!! It's done, finished, all paid for -- we're ready. Now I just have to save up for spending/food money and... survive the eight weeks left of the school year. Seven nights in London, five nights in Edinburgh, four nights in Dublin, five days travel time circling the world. Literally.

I'm. So. Excited.

all the world's a stage...

As the end of the week, and consequently the end of my mid-semester break fast approaches, I'm happy with how I ended up spending my time. No where near did I get to my original plan of 'eat-and-breathe-studying,' but I did the least of what I had to. At least it was really relaxing. That's a good thing, right? Plus, I got all that driving practice in which was awesome. I'm enjoying myself now -- doesn't feel quite so death-defying anymore.

Good news: today I cured myself of my senioritis. I'm back to normal and hopefully it'll last till the end of the year. Now the countdown begins: seven weeks till exams. Yikes. I should probably come up with some sort of study schedule eventually to keep me on track...

I've been reading Shakespeare, surprisingly enough. The only other time was Romeo and Juliet in ninth grade English, but I could never really get into it because I knew the plot so well. Plus, I've always been at odds with how they could be willing to die for each other after only meeting like... once. Yet after my five-year Shakespeare sabbatical I thought I'd give it another go and I was right to do so - As You Like It is GREAT. Extremely funny and so sweet. But you have to read it out loud. It makes you want to start acting it out!

"All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players."

sadie or jen?

Don't ask me why but I just spent the past hour watching The Bachelor, Rome (yes, we're quite behind in NZ, TV-wise). I think I kept watching because they made it seem like it was the finale... but it wasn't. I feel strangely bitter about their, most likely, intentional misleading structure. But I guess it's my fault for forgetting that reality shows stretch things out for as long as they can. Yet I still feel robbed of an hour of my life. Hahaha... serves me right though. The Bachelor? Come on!

the measure of a sister

More breakfast banter, topic in question of increasing "seriousness" as of late:

Mum: Anna, you've really got to talk to your sister about getting a boyfriend. She's got to start thinking about marriage soon, you know! She really has to.

Me: Mum, please, just leave it alone. PLEASE.

Mum: Well, I guess it's not her fault, really. I mean, there are no guys at her work, her university friends are all spread around the country, and there's no young people at church... how is she supposed to meet anyone if there's no one around??

Me: I dunno, mum. Don't worry. You should just leave her alone.

Mum: You know, if you were truly a good sister you would talk to her about it more.

Me: Why don't you? Why do you always have to talk about it to me instead of her?? Just cos you know you'll make her angry... I don't want to be on the receiving end of this conversation all the time.

Mum: (utterly unresponsive to anything I say, as per usual) A good sister would get her to go to places where she can meet new people. You know I can't talk to her about it myself. But if it comes from you at least she'll hear you... what about _______ up in Auckland? He's so kind and good-looking and --

Me: You just love his parents and want to be parents-in-law! She doesn't like him... JUST LEAVE HER ALONE.

Mum: I can't see why she won't even consider _______.

Me: (inner monologue) maybe cos she doesn't like him like that!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!


And the conversation continues... around and around in circles we go. It's enough to make the most patient of people go crazy, and trust me, I'm not nearly patient enough, especially, it seems, when it comes to my mother. I love her but she can be a persistent woman when she wants to be. Parental Lecture Series starting post-Kirsty's graduation: first it was "the future," then money, adult responsibilites, and now marriage. Poor Kirsty. She always seems to be at the recieving end of all their 'parental advice' -- they usually manage to exhaust all their energy with my sister so by the time they come around to me, they have little to say. (Thankfully.)

Despite my apparent annoyance, I'd rather have my parents overly involved with their plethora of wisdom than not involved at all. I'm not stupid enough to think they're not right most of the time.

Although they can push it every once in a while. Really, I don't need my mum's "love is a commitment" speech when I'm balling my eyes out watching Becoming Jane. Scary how Jane's mum reminds me so much of mine: "Affection is desirable... money is in-dis-pensable."

too little too late

Alas, I find myself once again procrastinating for hours on end reading about things that have absolutely no relevance whatsoever to my immediate future. And what's worse, detracting from what is 'important.'

After watching yet another presidential debate on YouTube and reading up on more candidates (even though I have no vote as a NZ citizen so it doesn't really matter what I think!), I came across an extremely interesting article in Vanity Fair. Which goes to show you, it doesn't matter what's going on at a particular moment in time or what people may think of you -- as long as you stick to what you truly believe in, to who you are, when History reveals the truth at least you'll be able to wake up each morning with a humble dignity.

new york, new york

Just got off the phone with a friend of mine back in the US and it was so great catching up with her. I hadn't talked to her in quite a while so it was nice hearing about all her adventures and whatnot (not that she'd see them as adventures, but I digress). It's so amazing what she's doing, being in New York and trying to figure out how she's going to manage, money-wise. But I'm happy for her because I think she made the right choice in the end. New York suits her, more than she realises.

I have to admit my touch of envy at just the fact that she gets to live in Manhattan. I will visit her eventually, I will! I have to!

She always manages to update me on all our friends back from Junior High as well, and it's so interesting hearing about their lives - the good, the bad and the ugly. It's funny how even though they live half way across the world, it's not so different from here -- the lives of twenty year old college students in developed, Western societies are not so dissimilar if you really think about it.

I miss them a lot, to be honest. I know Kirsty would shake her head in disbelief thinking I'm just holding on to some silly notion of the 'American life' but it's not like that at all. They were my closest friends and they still are. Okay, so I'm not the same person I used to be in Junior High, but neither are they. We've grown and changed, but we'll always be connected by the people we used to be and the people we've become... if that makes any sense at all.

Although I'm totally broke after paying off my trip to the UK/Ireland this summer, I'm seriously considering adding on a pit-stop in NY. I shouldn't say 'pit-stop' cos that makes it sound insignificant and therefore cheap (of which it is neither), but it really would be great to see her again. I could visit my cousin and his wife as well. Not to mention, I've been dying to go to New York for the past five years!! Who knows...

chips and passionfruit ice-cream???

I can't believe what some people can eat. Fries dunked in passionfruit ice-cream? Just doesn't seem right. I guess I'm more of a 'traditional' gal when it comes to desserts - I'll stick to my banoffie pie, thank you very much.

it's senioritis, I'm afraid

Senioritis is a term used colloquially in the United States and Canada to describe the decreased motivation toward studies displayed by students who are nearing the end of their Middle School, high school or college careers. It is typically said to include: slowness, procrastination, and apathy regarding school work,a feeling of entitlement or privilege, and a tendency toward truancy. Many high school and college students find themselves in a type of "lame duck" situation: their plans are made and a new chapter in their life is about to begin, so finishing the current chapter (the current term separating them from graduation) becomes just a formality or "holding pattern." [From Wikipedia]

While writing an email to a friend of mine it dawned on me that I have a serious case of senioritis. No, technically I'm not at the end of my high school or college career, but in some ways it feels a lot like it. Since I'm finishing off my 'preclinical' study years and starting next year we're based in the hospital, in some ways it feels like I'm done with "college" (pre-med?) and preparing to start "graduate school" (medicine). Yes, my exams at the end of the year are important, but I'm not too worried about failing as long as I keep on the right track. So where does that leave me? A smidget of slowness with a pinch of procrastination, and a whole lotta apathy, that's where. Not to mention, a definite 'tendency toward truancy,' that's for sure! And the gorgeous weather ain't helping matters much.

I watched Sicko yesterday and it was actually pretty okay. Expected Michael Moore bias aside, it was an interesting and, at times, quite funny documentary. It made me want to move to France, LoL. And definitely not practice medicine in the US.

Went out for dinner with friends last night at the Mexican restuarant in town which was okay, but I think pretty overpriced considering. Then after dessert at Eureka we ended up going karaoke. Wanna hear something absolutely crazy? They had that Genghis Khan song and what's more, in English! And I'm ashamed to admit it was the best song to sing along to! [He fathered seven children in one night!!??!! LoL]

sweet caroline...

While I was at the gym this morning the local news was on the radio and I heard the district health board was asking people to hold off coming to the emergency room unless it was extremely urgent because they were grossly understaffed. They said the emergency room had 3700 visits last year even though they're only able to support 2400 visits.

I don't really know what to think when I hear stats like that because I see both sides of the story and you can't really blame anyone, no matter how tempting it may be sometimes. In the end, it's an inherent often indistinguishable flaw in the system and there's no easy solution. Actually, sometimes it feels like there's no solution, period. Where do you start??

And yes, my break is almost half over and I still haven't managed to open any books. But it's all good. I'll survive... I always do. I like that in med school, because I'm surrounded by such hard-out students, it gives me a valid justification for being a semi-mediocre student in comparison. It certainly takes a lot of the pressure off. The trick is to find a balance -- you can't be (mistakenly) cocky, but you can't spend six years underestimating yourself either. And with each year that passes, I think I'm getting better at finding that balance. It definitely makes things that much more easier.

I've managed to see a few movies this break, which is awesome since it's hard to find the time to be the movie-buff I used to be. Breach was great -- Chris Cooper made it worth watching. Bourne Ultimatum -- two thumbs up. Not sure whether I'd go straight to saying it's the best of the three, but it's undoubtedly a great continuation. And Matt Damon... need I say more? Eagle vs Shark was pretty funny, though I think they gave away most of the funniest lines in the commercial. Jemaine Clement is absolutely brilliant and the Phoenix Foundation was likewise. I'm watching Michael Moore's Sicko tonight so more on that later.

I miss baseball. Even when we used to have Sky, ESPN only had baseball games on every once in a while. Watching The Perfect Catch always manages to give me a bad case of nostalgia. Especially of the Red Sox and Boston.

barney and me, part II

Just had my very first driving lesson ever -- and I'm still alive, Thank you God!! My instructor was awesome, very patient and we covered a lot of ground. We went out to Waldronville and did lots of turning and whatnot on wide streets with little cars around. But then, by golly, he made me drive out to Brighton!! Over a bridge!! At 80km/h!!! God really didn't mean for us to travel at such speeds!! LoL. Then when it couldn't get any worse (and when there were five cars trailing behind me), he made me turn around and go back... back to Waldronville, then all the way back to town!

It's all a blur now. I can't even remember the details. All I know is I'm back in the safety of my house. LoL. Man, you can't take your eyes off the road for one second! But, I have to admit, I'm kinda getting the hang of it, I think. It's even a wee bit... dare I say, fun? And I get to do it all over again Thursday. Hahaha...

So the original plan I had of eat-and-breathe-studying for everyday of my two-week break in order to put me in glorious stead for the looming exams at the end of the year? Yeah, not going too good. As in, I'll start tomorrow... hopefully.

Here's to another beautiful day -- have I mentioned that Dunedin is first equal for the greatest city in the world??

Taken at St Clair beach on Friday afternoon.

you can't beat mackers...

On the drive home from a family dinner out at Lone Star:

Mum: It's nice how restaurants are kind of dark. It creates a certain atmosphere...

Dad (eyes on road): mm-hmm...

Mum: It's not like McDonalds. Everything's white, and bright... and white.

Dad: Yeah, but at least you can see your damn food.


If I didn't totally disagree with him, I'd be inclined to say, damn right! But it was a nice meal. And the junior portions make it possible to actually go there and eat without dying.

The weather today was so lovely. Perfect Dunedin weather -- I think the city is trying to romance me into staying here forever. It's certainly a powerful force! After I got home from work at lunch I sat outside in the sun and finished the novel I've been reading for the past few days. (Most definitely two thumbs up!) I even got to go to the gym as well (or "studio" -- not "gym" -- as Gary would want me to say). After a two-week hiatus (post-surgery rules) it was great just running for a couple miles. Although, why oh why did there have to be a bakery on the ground floor of our building? And why in the world are they baking on a Saturday afternoon??!!??

bean farts

The coolest poster I've seen on the back of a toilet stall door -- the perfect blend of interesting and informative! Though I can't imagine what someone must have thought if they heard the flash of my camera go off while I was in there...

e.s.p

Without a doubt the single greatest song EVER. No matter when, no matter where, no matter what, it never fails to make me feel like I'm flying. And check out the sexy hunk of a man behind the drums.

To be honest I've been feeling like a bit of an 'empty shell person' these past couple days (to pilfer the phrase from Under The Tuscan Sun). I think it was a culmination of physical stress, my aforementioned lack of sleep, and an endless list of things to do, which had my mind stretched too too thin. And on top of all that, the ways of the world and, to some degree, the often seemingly immutable nature of man, had been having a not-so-good effect on me as of late. This whole "in the world, but not of the world" business feels damn near impossible sometimes. So today I kind of just shut down -- my body was going through the motions, but my mind was nowhere... but God never fails to be there always. He said to me through his apostle Paul, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery... You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. 'A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough.' I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty, whoever he may be... You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." [From Galatians 5]

Paradoxically, today was one of the best days of the year.

barney and me

Probably a very good prediction of how my first driving lesson is going to go next week. At least my instructor is an ex-cop -- reassuring, though I'm not sure why.

Haven't been able to sleep well this entire week. :( Again, I'm not sure why.

stalin's "x" year plans

I've been thinking a lot about the future. More specifically, what I want to do with my life. I never got into this planning on becoming a clinical doctor. And though I'm tempted sometimes to specialise, especially when we start a fresh and interesting topic, I know that in the end I can't see myself working in a hospital or clinic for the next thirty years to come.

I keep coming back to public policy. International relations replaced by international health policy. I mean, it's as close as I can get, right? I want to spend four, five years holed up in the corner of a university library somewhere working on my PhD. I'm starting to realise that that desire wasn't a transient thought but a growing... obsession? Too strong a word, but I make my point.

So here it is, my newly dubbed "Ten Year Plan" -- which reminds me of Stalin and all his "___ Year Plans." Graduate med school; complete my two or three House Surgeon years to get registered on the NZ medical board; do a Masters In International Studies (or equivalent) in NZ; go overseas, preferably America (Boston/Washington D.C.), to do my PhD in public policy. Then... the world is my oyster. Or something along those lines.

I'm excited. It's not that I'm necessarily on the quote-unquote right track, but I feel like I'm finally on a track.

I don't regret doing med - it's an amazing starting point for so many career paths - but I'm excited medicine per se isn't going to be the be-all and end-all of my life... Thankfully.

monomaniacal, salubrious, quagmire...

"More Coffee?"

"I was going to just mainline adrenaline but I couldn't find a clean needle."

- West Wing, Season 7


Damn, that is one great show. I can't get over it. I'm thinking of starting a petition for Aaron Sorkin to venture on with an eighth, ninth, ten, eleventh season. If only...

Do people in real life actually talk like that? Anyone anywhere in the world?? Cos if there is I'm on the next flight out! (After a few years of "monomaniacal" vocabulary study, that is, so I can actually partake in the conversation.)

the bold and the (seriously) beautiful

With little to do all day besides sleep and... sleep some more, I've had the time to watch some good old day-time television.

Did you know that The Bold And The Beautiful is still on??!!?? It was kinda nice seeing all their familiar faces again. Interesting fact: one of my earliest memories is of watching this very show as a five year old. Given I couldn't actually speak English at the time I didn't know what was going on, plot wise, but I remember Brooke and Taylor and Ridge... and the truth of the matter is, I grew up with them! It's nice knowing they're still on TV, even with all the new characters and whatnot. I remember when Ridge and Taylor just met! And now their children are all grown up and Taylor's in prison??!!?? Didn't she die, like two or three times?? And am I making this up or was she, at some point, married to a sultan of some sort? The details are a wee bit fuzzy, but it really was great seeing them all again today... comforting to know that even though so much has changed, they remain, and will remain forever, bold and beautiful... LoL.

They always manage to have the most gooorgeous looking guys (and gals) on that show. I reckon they should bring Macy back -- I always thought it was horrible the way Thorne left her for Brooke, of all people.

Apparently, Ridge (or the actor who plays Ridge) has a music album out! They're selling it in the B&B store (they have a store!). Crazy...

is THIS what an acid trip feels like??

So I'm still alive, which is always good news. No fatal allergic reaction to general anaesthetics. It's been an interesting weekend, or at least the parts I can remember have been.

The surgery itself was 'unremarkable,' as noted in my operation notes. But honestly, of the twenty four hours I spent in the hospital, I think my total doctor-contact time was like five minutes. What I did learn from this entire experience is that nurses are AMAZING. They're such brilliant, awesome people and they all have this unique quality about them. I totally have a new found respect and awe for what they do.

So I got to the hospital in the morning on Friday and basically waited around till the surgeon was ready. I got to know my 'roommates' who were all pretty cool -- and when I say pretty cool I don't just mean their personalities but their reasons for being in hospital were medically cool. I was in the ENT/Maxillo-Facial/Neuro Surgical ward and my surgery was the least interesting of the four.

I started to get increasingly nervous as the day wore on, not to mention increasingly hungry, but with the premeds for general (including a benzodiazepine to make me all warm and fuzzy inside) I think I was pretty much numbed out. Then around one they wheeled me to the surgical waiting area (being pushed around in my bed was the coolest thing ever!), and then to the actual room of the surgery where I saw some familiar faces, including my (young!) surgeon and (old, which is comforting) anaesthesiologist, as well as a bunch of other people whom I'm assuming were nurses. It was pretty hectic, with a thousand things going on, but as soon as they put in an IV line (yuck!) they told me to take deep breathes of the 'oxygen' (which totally wasn't just oxygen!) and the next thing I know I'm in the surgical recovery area.

The only way to describe how it felt coming out of general is as if I had been dead and buried and someone dug me back up and resuscitated me. It is seriously one of the yuckiest things I have ever experienced. Your mind and your body feel totally disconnected, the former utterly confused and the latter aching all over.

I was in and out of it all Friday afternoon and so can't remember much, but Kirsty was there to keep me company. My parents showed up later on, more for their sake than mine I think. Kirsty had gotten me a 'care package' with balloons and books and magazines (Time AND Newsweek! Hahaha...), but I wasn't quite up to reading (and still aren't).

Besides feeling groggy and out of it, I was pretty okay. The nurses kept asking me if I felt nauseous or if I felt any pain, to which I answered no and no. They kept me under pretty close observation, taking my blood pressure and temperature every half hour; and the drugs just kept on coming (which is probably why I didn't feel any pain). The nauseous thing confused me though cos they kept asking me like as if I should be nauseous; but I felt fine. Hungry even.

The next morning I was up by seven and had breakfast. And I was all ready to go home but then... that whole nauseous thing they kept asking about? Well, it finally kicked in. I started to feel really really dizzy and gross, like someone was spinning me around and around and all the food in my stomach was just barely managing to stay down. When I told the nurses they were kinda surprised cos up until then I had been reassuring them I was totally okay. But the nausea was relentless. And my senses were uber sensitive. Any noise, any bright light all made the nausea a thousand times worse. So there I was, discharge papers signed and bags packed, but feeling like I wanted to DIE. Kirsty came to take me home around nine but I couldn't move. For another hour or so I just lay there... waiting... and then FINALLY, it came: the king of all barfs; the ultimate vomit; half a bucket of upchuck. It was - and there is absolutely no other way to describe it - EPIC. And it felt goooooood.


Now I'm back home, nose all bandaged up, still pretty drugged up overall. The bleeding has almost stopped, but it's still pretty swollen and blocked up. The pain is definitely there if I don't take the drugs (that's probably why I didn't feel anything back in the hospital - the nurses were on to it), but with the medication comes all these horrible side-effects. It's funny cos I remember studying NSAIDs, analgesics, antibiotics, etc., and the side-effects are just a list of the same old, same old: nausea, GI upset, etc., etc... but I really get why compliance with some drugs can be such an issue.

I thought this week off would be a glorified holiday, but man was I wrong. I haven't been getting sleep; I can't seem to keep food down; the headaches are truly monstrous creatures with a life of their own; and when I don't' have a thumping headache, my mind is so out of it I have had, on more than one occasion, EXTREMELY vivid and life-like dreams which could be mistaken for hallucinations. I kid you not.