Stop. Turn. Look... See?

Maybe it's just me, but I'm actually really looking forward to last quarter and all the studying I know I'll be doing! This week of revision lectures have been so amazing because, despite the realisation that I still have a long way to before being ready for November finals, they were an amazing reminder of just how much I have learnt these past five years... just how far we've all come. It feels like in medicine we're always so focused on what's ahead of us, what more we need to know, need to study, that we hardly ever pause and look behind us to see just how far we've come. Maybe this is all part of the strange "eye-of-the-storm" calmness I've been feeling lately, but seriously, to quote a recent conversation I had with a friend of mind, life is Good.

[long overdue update!]

To elaborate on my previous blog, the last few weeks have been pretty intense... exhausting... intense. A couple weeks ago was the dreaded re-sit of my ortho test -- DUM DA DUM! It was on a Friday, and on the Tuesday a few days before the test I got really sick. Normally I'm not one to get sick much. I usually get that "prodromal" feeling the day before and so top up on paracetamol, warmth and good sleep to prevent it becoming a full blown cold, and that normally works. But because I was so stressed with ortho test looming in the background as well as DSAS Launch planning (and all that that entailed), I didn't get any sleep that night. Hence, full blown cold. And the combination of sore throat/cough/blocked nose with the stress of EVERYTHING meant I didn't get any sleep for three nights following. By the time ortho test finally rolled around I was a walking zombie. Maybe it was because I was so physically knackered that when it was finally time for the test I was pretty detached, distracted, which was a strange unexpected plus. Then, that weekend I just zonked out; being sick is always a little bit welcomed for me because (a.) it's a rarity, getting a full blown cold; and (b.) it gives me the opportunity to do absolutely nothing and THINK about absolutely nothing, sans the guilt! So a weekend of bed, dvds, (junk/random) food... which helped, not just with the being sick part but with LIFE on the whole.

I went straight on from "recovering" from ortho and being sick to finalising our DSAS Launch event the following Thursday which was (cue: sigh of BIG relief!) a success. We had over 250 students and 20+ surgeons show up which just completely exceeded our expectations. The Surgical Bingo! was also an absolute success and really was the perfect ice-breaker -- the students enjoyed running around, the surgeons enjoyed being approached and surrounded by wide-eyed students for the entire duration. One of the most satisfying feelings in life is when a fleeting thought, a random idea, burgeons and comes into fruition right before your eyes... my baby, the Bingo, lol. So DSAS is up and running, going really well, and I'm excited for some of the stuff we have planned especially for next year. We have one or two small events this upcoming last quarter but the timing kind of sucks since most of us on the committee are easing into exam study hibernation. Next year though we'll be all engines GO! with DSAS sponsored end-of-run food and drinks for the 4th years finishing their surgical rotation, social events, talks from registrars, suturing workshops + dinner (sponsored by surgical supply companies), and hopefully the first annual Suture King Competition! lol Lots of cool ideas, lots of opportunities to get this going really well. So despite some of the vocal critics in my class I'm happy with what we've achieved as a founding committee; despite how some people criticise and/or object to and/or distort what we're doing, I think at the end of the day if we get students more interested in or thinking about surgery, or even less than that, if we can just make the med school experience on the whole just a bit more fun and varied (as touched on by Prof's keynote address) then that's good enough for me. :)

Friday night was Class and Consultant dinner, which was great fun. Our fifth year class has gotten to know each other so well now; the majority of the class was there, with a good turn-out from the doctors/professors, the food delicious and a good time was had by all! I even came away with an award -- something I can *truly* be proud of, lol.

As we wrap up our second week of whole-class lectures, I remain in disbelief at how quickly this year has gone. Next week is mid-semester break; then I'll be flying up to Nelson for five weeks of rural GP; then... exams... then, before I know it, (God willing!) TI/sixth year. I'm not even nervous anymore -- I think I've reached that eye-of-the-storm place I get to when I finally realise there's not much more I can do. Yes I'm gonna keep studying intensely for the next 10 weeks but on the whole I think I'm beginning to realise that exams are basically here, and you know what? I'm gonna be just fine. I just need to keep on keepin' on and then before I know it, it'll all be over. See, what'd I tell you? Eye of the storm, baby, eye of the freakin' storm.

the precipice that is

You know when there's so much going on that it feels like there's absolutely no way of expressing or conveying to anyone the state of your mind and your life? A place that keeps you held teetering on the precipice, unable to move forward over the edge yet at the same time unable to take a step back? Much like the spine of a person whose paravertebral muscles have gone into spasm at once, held perfectly straight, perfectly still. Call me dramatic, call me crazy, but that's how I would describe my fifth year of med school in a nutshell. All I know is come November I can confidently say that this past year I've had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows... but I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess, ultimately, it's just who I am.

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to gain mighty triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither gain much nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory or defeat." -Theodore Roosevelt

firefighters cutting off the roof of a car, et al

Today was better.

In the morning my group went to the Fire Station where they simulated a big Motor Vehicle Accident (MVA). The scenario was that we, a group of med students on our way to some school-related event, are first on the scene of a big road accident out in the country. They had real cars, passengers (actors) with cuts, (fake) blood, and varying degrees of injury, glass and debris everywhere, and a random drunk spectator (actor) causing trouble. Actual firefighters and ambulance officers came along about ten minutes later (after we "called" for help) and they were completely in character, the firefighters taking the roof off the cars in the end to get our patients out.

It was actually pretty scary. When we first arrived I think the seven of us just stood there for half a minute completely unsure of what to do or how to proceed; we all just froze. And then got into it because we had no other choice. I definitely (a.) freaked out, (b.) made plenty of mistakes and (c.) had no idea what I was doing the entire time, but the whole experience was just too cool because I learnt so much. Even though it was simulated, it was amazing how realistic the whole thing felt and how real my response was -- I was, at times, overwhelmingly scared! And the whole experience highlighted the importance of STAYING CALM -- and just how hard it is to do. But going through that in a semi-controlled, simulated environment was incredibly helpful and now I feel like if I do come across a situation like that in real life I might be able to actually think things through and respond.


Another full-on 9+hour day, with the MVA Simulation in the morning, non-stop ophthalmology clinic all afternoon, then DSAS Committee Meeting from 5.30 - 6.30pm, but... today was better... in general. I might even be up for some ophthalmology study tonight.

But first, some tea.

today was one of those days...

Today was one of those days when you literally have no idea what the weather was like because you didn't leave the hospital for nine hours and there didn't seem to be many windows around.

Today was one of those days when you're so tired you find yourself teetering between mania and depression, where you find yourself fighting the urge to get into the fetal position by being overtly silly to your classmates who look back at you strangely.

Today was one of those days you actually find yourself enjoying what you're learning and it completely catches you off guard because it's been so long since it's happened last you've almost forgotten what that felt like.

Today was one of those days when the highlight of your day was discovering the $5 gourmet sandwiches at New World, but feel disgustingly full afterwards, regret coming in at a close second.

Today was one of those days when walking to your car you can't help but wrap your arms around the traffic post as you wait for the little man to turn green, cos with every step you're haemorrhaging the will to keep walking.

Today was one of those days when you get home and realise you spent almost ten hours at school/work but can't seem to remember what you actually did and, what's worse, feel like you've achieved very little, if anything at all.

Today was one of those days when you find yourself wondering what the hell you're doing, or how you're going to survive three more months of whatever this is.

... but it's okay cos tomorrow might be different.

(Fin. Shower. Sleep. Bed.)

siestas? half days? three-day work weeks??

Wrapping up the year with 11 weeks of General Practice (i.e. Family Practice medicine) is truly a God-send. My Public Health rotation finished in a bit of blur, with cramming for the test (unnecessary in hindsight) and spending most of my what would have been a relaxing weekend writing a 2,500 word study design instead.

Yesterday was my first day at the General Practice I've been assigned to, located way out on the Peninsula about a half an hour's drive along the harbour. Golly miss molly the drive out there is BEAUTIFUL. I was a bit skeptical initially, given the petrol that would be involved and the fact that the drive out there is quite tortuous. The narrow road twists and turns and follows right along the water with a speed limit of 70km/hr -- a scary drive for a relatively novice driver. However all woes were forgotten as soon as I headed out, with the view of the harbour ahead, the sun glistening off the water, glowing on to the majestic green hills so quintessentially New Zealand. Starting your work day with half an hour to yourself, surrounded by this surreal and gorgeous view, really does put things into glorious perspective.

The medicine itself is pretty fun: the nature of GP keeps you on your toes, with a diverse range of clinical problems and scenarios and people. The doctor I'm with is LOVELY, calm and articulate, laid back and kind. It's a tiny practice, rural in feel, servicing a small, close-knit community. They have one receptionist who leaves at 5pm on the dot regardless of whether there are patients left in the waiting room or not, and one part-time nurse. My doctor comes in at 10am, works till noon-ish, goes home for lunch, then back by 3pm for another couple of hours. And this "full day" is only on Mondays and Fridays: he works just the afternoon on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and has Wednesdays off! What a life, huh? I'm looking forward to heading back for more sessions throughout the next few weeks, I really am. I didn't think I'd enjoy GP this much. Not that I could ever be a GP, but as a rotation for med school it's pretty sweet going.

Plus, relatively more free time! Most evenings, it looks like, I'll have off for slow but steady exam study. And today I even had a chunk of time around lunch to go for a hefty run, yay! It was unusually warm -- that pre-rain warm breeze -- which made for a particularly enjoyable hour. :) Feel refreshed, tired, and sleepy. I'm in for a good solid sleep tonight!

All in all, I feel like things are starting to look up a bit, after a semester and three weeks of craziness and a certain degree of breaking-of-my-spirit. Things are looking up, kid! Things are looking up...

the night my heart glowed with joy

My birthday has come and gone and it's kind of hard to believe how perfect it turned out to be. More than the occasion, the event, the place, the money, the weather, the time, it's the people around you that make all the difference. And on Thursday night, each individual person who came to my 22nd had a way of making my heart GLOW. :) That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call the natural high which comes with overwhelming contentment.

Having Kirsty there really was the cherry on top of the cake, and I know it wouldn't have come close to being the awesome, perfect night it was without her there playing "host," making sure everything was going well and everyone was happy. More than that, I am so glad my family -- parents and sister -- could come share in the evening with my friends; it was the meeting and marrying of the two groups of people in my life who together "make my joy complete."

In the midst of life and all the craziness that comes with it, it seems I've managed to surround myself with the most lovely, beautiful, amazing, brilliant people: friends of the past, present, and times to come. What an incredible feat that is in and of itself! At the end of the day it is those passing conversations, seemingly insignificant moments, the glance, a look, a thought shared between those you love that is the measure of a life fully lived. And my cup, in that way, abounds. Not too shabby for 22 years. :)

Twenty-two... yikes. Strange as it is to admit it feels like a real milestone. More than 18 or 21, Thursday night felt like a real turning point in my life. I think it was looking back on how far I've come, the people surrounding me, and the fact that I'm no longer "21" but now "in my twenties." It really feels like the end of an era.