the quiet before the storm [Dakar Part 2 to come soon, I promise!]

Dear friend,

I've never been much of a numbers kind of person. But after a whirlwind, exhausting week at Orientation at my new hospital here are some stats:

13.
The number of days I've been home from elective (though it feels like an eternity!).

31.
The number of new names I've learnt this past week which, I have to say, is quite satisfying! (I tried super hard, lol) Thirty new fellow first-year doctors from the med school here, one from Wellington, and then three of us from my hospital down south.

2.
The number of days until I start my first real-life PROPER job... as a real-life PROPER doctor.

14.
The number of hours I'm working on my first shift.

1.
The number of freak-outs I've had this week. As I was lying in bed on Tuesday night, I truly, truly began to think with every fibre of my being that I wasn't ready to do this crazy scary thing otherwise known as being a doctor -- to keep sick people from getting sicker; to keep sick people from dying.

3.
The number of prayers answered this week.

120
The percentage of me that feels excited, with Orientation week now behind me and Day 1 of work ahead. I really did get to quite a low, dark place on Tuesday night just feeling overwhelmed and scared and discouraged. It wasn't until I was chatting with my mum in the evening that it all started to bubble over and it dawned on me that I -- surprise, surprise -- wasn't doing too well. I mean, I knew in my head that we're all scared, all of us first-time doctors. It's so unbelievably arbitrary. One day we're students and then the next day, all of a sudden, everyone around us is telling us that we're now doctors. With tangible 'power.' With the stroke of our pen, drugs can be given, people can get time off work; and if someone suddenly collapses, people will call US... call ME... and look to me to make decisions... to do... stuff... without freaking out... to help, to lead, to ease suffering... to save? To save. Or at least, to try to save.

Yikes.

Really?

Me?

When yesterday no one expected anything of me? Our safety blanket has been, 'But I'm just a student,' and then all of a sudden that blanket has been ripped from our hands by the med school, the medical council, and by society!

It's a really scary truth.

... but then, after crazy awesome encouragement from my crazy awesome mum, and then bringing it all to God, I remembered. 'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.' I took a step back and remembered, in the grand scheme of Life, and Eternity, Monday will be FINE. I, Dr Anna, will be JUST FINE. '... the Peace of God which transcends all understanding.' I know I am not infallible, so I will look things up. I know my limitations, so I will ask. I know I am new at this, so I will take my time to double-check, even if it means being at the hospital sixteen hours rather than fourteen.

Yes, I know my weaknesses, but with that I also know my strengths. I discharged a lovely patient today -- someone who I hadn't met before at all -- and it was... amazing. A real ownership of the caring for the patient. Knowing that with the heart of a servant you can make SUCH a difference for your patients at a time in their lives they feel the most vulnerable and scared.

So I am excited. I figure I'm allowed one freak-out per every 'new experience' and I've used mine up now! :) It's all upwards and onwards from here. And, you know what else? I survived GOING TO AFRICA BY MYSELF AS A 23YEAR OLD FEMALE. When I think about some of the truly scary, lonely moments I had during my trip -- some of the emotional, psychological anguish -- the next couple weeks will pale in comparison.

And I really love the hospital I am working at. Their ethos, spoken and unspoken, fit right in with my heart. To think I had never ever even considered this hospital until I prayed for God to give me some direction back in January, suddenly waking up in the middle of the night when this hospital came into my head out of the blue! It is only by the Grace of Christ I am here.

I'm also excited to start exploring my new city. I've decided I will spend my first year exploring this area bit by bit, doing the things I would do were I a tourist because so often we don't take the time to enjoy the place where we live! This past year my personal goal was to run the half marathon, which I did. This year I've decided it will be to learn how to surf. I'm within driving distance of some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, and surfing will be a nice respite from the hustle and bustle of Life. I'll definitely get back into running though more and more. Funnily enough, one of the three prayers that got answered this week was something I kind of asked for off the cuff -- to be able to find a nice off-road running track, like where I was living down south. And today I found one by the bay, a ten minute run from my house! Now I really have no excuse.

This weekend will be completely taken up by my final NZ Medical Students Association (NZMSA) meeting. Despite being full-on, I so look forward to seeing everyone again! And maybe the busy-ness is a good thing -- a nice distraction so I don't spend the weekend dwelling on Monday.

And now -- a big metaphorical breath in, before the diving into the deep end! :)

I'll see you on the other side.

Always,
-A