not so inconsequential?

The older I get the more I start to think life is a not much more than a series of seemingly inconsequential moments and decisions.

I wonder how much of who we are, we who become, over the span of a lifetime is a result of those "little things" which at the time often fails to even register but that which ultimately ends up playing a significant part in the shaping of our lives.

What is life but a cumulation of such moments and decisions?

What is life but an apparently random succession of such moments and decisions?

I flew to Wellington on Thursday night with a clear direction for where I wanted to go in this next phase of my life; I flew home last night with a slate I have since wiped clean.

Moment 1
Saturday was our national leadership development seminar which I have spent the past five weeks organising. During the day I had a conversation with one of our speakers, a very successful business woman. She was brilliant, inspirational, but most surprisingly, there was some"thing" about her that just... clicked with me. Talking to her, it felt like I had spent the past six years moulding myself into a silhouette that just wasn't me, that just didn't fit; and then, all of a sudden, for lack of a better expression, I was released. For some time now I have had this growing realisation that I just think differently from most of my classmates and colleagues -- my approach to situations, my thought processes, my vision just differed. I felt the closest fit with surgeons, but even then there was still something... not quite right, yet I could never up my finger on what it was. You never know what's missing until you've had a piece of something new and different. This conversation was that very catalyst. The dawning of the realisation that yes I could be a clinician... but maybe it just isn't ME, in this most ineffable, visceral, gut, core-of-who-I-am way.

Moment 2
While in Wellington I had dinner with a good friend of mine who is currently doing Emergency Medicine. With a huge smile on his face, he pulled out his iPhone to show me photos of various injuries, pre- and post- his suturing and management. I sat there reacting as I do, with dramatic wonderment (and, to be fair, the photos were pretty cool) but in the back of my mind there was no fundamental curiosity. And as I sat there I realised that his clinical skills most likely far superceded mine but, even with that knowledge, there was absolutely no desire, or drive, or interest... in any of it. And I found myself asking, "What's wrong with me?"

Moment 3
Five weeks of non-stop emailing, organising, and utter craziness organising NCW.
Thursday evening flight to Wellington, six hours sleep.
Friday 6.30am alarm, 8.30am - 5pm Exec meeting; Exec dinner; five hours sleep.
Saturday 5.45am alarm, 7.30am - 6pm NCW; night out; 3 hours sleep.
Sunday 7.45am alarm, 9am - 5pm Exec meeting; flight home.
Sitting in the plane at 9pm on Sunday night, barely able to keep my eyes open, I found myself saying to Kerry, my co-Rep, "You know what? Of all the things I have done in med school, what I've enjoyed most has been NZMSA." And in that moment I realised that I meant it.

So I'm left with one huge question: has becoming a doctor been that one life-defining decision, or, rather, just a stepping stone in the yet-to-be-written Story of My Life?

One weekend away has left me with a million questions.

I love it.