Yesterday I woke up and decided I wasn't feeling very well. At all. I think it was a combination of things, the biggest factor being physical burn-out. Sure I might have finished my Paeds/O&G rotation last Friday but even since then it's been just non-stop, with flying up to Auckland and running around during Integrative Week doing all these tasks for the various "projects" I have found myself involved with: the next issue of the Journal's deadline is today; immediate action points post-Auckland meeting and co-ordinating with my co-rep; putting together this movie presentation for the Dean. Even as I was agreeing to the latter last week, it was like as if it was happening in slow-motion: as I found myself agreeing I was thinking that I knew I shouldn't, I knew I couldn't handle yet another project; I knew I needed the break to just take a break and organize and wrap up this crazy rotation just passed. I didn't know why I found myself saying yes even as I knew emphatically I should just say no... until yesterday. I met up with a new friend yesterday, one of the leaders of Med Christian Fellowship this year; she's in third year but a postgrad student so a couple years older than me. We've been meaning to do coffee for a while now because we were both talking about how hard it is sometimes to find other people here who were in a place in their lives that was post-"student" but pre-"family." Anyways we went for coffee after the MedCF meeting and talked for almost three hours. And those three hours were just... man... refreshing. For the Soul. Just talking to who was, through Christ, immediately my sister, having that instant eternal connection; and on top of it all, it turns out we're actually quite similar, personality-wise and in the fact that we're both the type to get "in" our heads, non-stop thinking, analysing, etc. It's a rare find, someone who understands and can relate to that.
I now have someone who is, hopefully, gonna keep me spiritually accountable, something I've been lacking for a couple years now, but something I've known I desperately needed yet have refused to do anything about.
The other huge thing that came out of our conversations that was basically mind-blowingly revelationary? My self-inflicted busyness as of late has been me, avoiding, everything and anything. It's so safe and isolating when I'm busy, when I'm rushed off my feet; medicine in general is great for that if you want, for telling yourself you're doing relatively important things for relatively important issues and in the process removing yourself from meaningful interaction and human connection. Sure, my getting involved with so many things this year has meant I've met an endless list of new people and that I'm constantly surrounded by and interacting with people from all areas of life, at different stages of their training... It sounds counter intuitive maybe but that very fact has been great for self-imposed isolation. And that's what I've been doing, unbeknownst to... me. I've "removed" myself from my family and my friends, and anyone and everyone... And the thing is, as my friend mentioned yesterday, because from everyone else's perspective I'm extroverted, organized, articulate, and does well in general, no one would ever think to challenge me in any way, or question if I'm okay; everyone just assumes I'm alright and thriving. And I know this is true because in some ways I have used it to my advantage throughout my life; I've learnt, over the years, how to put on this act, this facade, and I really do keep everyone at arms length especially when I'm struggling... Everyone. Why do I do that? Why do I put up these barriers? Why am I so afraid to truly be honest with another person? Am I even truly honest with myself? Do I put on these different versions of myself for a reason?
I joked yesterday to a couple people that I took a "mental health" sick-day... maybe I wasn't joking. I know I need to sort this out. And at the centre of all this mess is my Avoidance of the Big Fella. But you know what's amazing? I've been running around in avoidance these past few months, trying to go through every door and every avenue besides His, and yet He has been continuing to slam every one of these doors but His. And as each door has slammed shut in front of me it has sucked and it has hurt... and yet, what an incredible God, how much He must Love me if, in the midst of me running around trying to do anything and everything to avoid him, He still keeps trying to bring me back to Him. Who does that? Who Loves you that much to do that?
I think this week, this mid-semester break, I really need to sort things out for me. I'm stuck. And I know now it's not sustainable. At this rate, at this place, how I've been going this past quarter, I now know for a fact that I will burn-out in every way way before November. And that's a scary thought. Something has to change. No more avoiding, no more denying, no more thinking. Just, No More.
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