Messiness v Productivity

As a result of various events that have slowly unfolded in my life as of late, I've been wondering more and more whether the choices I make in life, love and all that jazz -- the things I decide to do and not to do -- are largely determined by my dislike of disorder and "messy."

It's a newly snowballing revelation, the kind of thought which once planted I can't seem to ignore nor escape, despite an unending list of menstrual disorders and endometrial cancers left to study.

I just hate "messy." It's a fact. I don't mean aesthetically messy or dirty but messiness in Life: unable to predict, unable to plan, unable to rely on Y to occur as a result of X. Maybe that's why I love (or, ? hide in the guise of) Busy? I intellectualise that I'm "too busy" to get into A, or take that risk known as B, or try out C. And I tell myself that not only is A/B/C potentially very time-consuming but it's just counterproductive to a Productive Life.

And so I revert back to my definition of "Productive Life," which is planned and henceforth executed to damn near perfection. And it's fun. It's awesome. And it's indescribably satisfying.

... But, in some ways, could it be just my way of avoiding "messy." Of taking risks? Of... letting go and letting flow?

... Or, does it matter either way? I mean, if I'm truly happy with "Productive" and how my life is, does it really matter whether or not it's partly rooted in that avoidance of messy? Or is that just me intellectualising and justifying, cos honestly I could convince most people including myself of most things if I tried.

There's a line from "You've Got Mail" which I love and I think I've quoted before and it's when Meg Ryan wonders, "... so much of what I see reminds me of what I've read in a book, when, shouldn't it be the other way around?" While that's not what I'm talking about in this instance, I too am sitting here not really seeking an answer but just to send this question out into the Void: Are my choices just a way to avoid that drama and messiness I so, so dislike and fear? Is messiness a fundamental part of what makes living, living, and therefore am I missing out? Or is it merely a question of how you choose to live your individual life? I know there's much more to life than Productivity, but does that mean I should actively introduce "messiness" into my life and in the process become less productive?

... or, is this all just another means of procrastination?