It's been more than two months since my last entry... two months. I can't really believe it's been that long. My disbelief is rooted in the fact that so much has happened in that seemingly short period of time-- so much learning about myself, the world, life, people; so much growing as a med student, as a young adult, and as a woman. I just can't believe it.
I am now a fourth year med student who is on the wards, seeing patients, learning how to do practical things with my hands. Observing doctors in their strengths and weaknesses, and figuring out what kind of doctor I want to be in two years time.
I am a young adult who, with each day that passes, learns a little bit more about herself. I have realised in all I do my mind cannot let go of its intellectual curiosity -- not just the how, but the why. I have learned I admire and appreciate doctors who have achieved that rare balance between the science and the art of medicine: the knowledge and the people skills. And I hope to become that kind of doctor myself.
I am a woman who has always wondered how it would be possible to put God first whilst potentially falling in love... but now has experienced it firsthand. I have had a taste of being adored by a man and how utterly intoxicating that can be... and yet realised through it all that GOD IS LOVE. CHRIST ALONE IS PERFECT. Every morning I wake up and fall in love with Christ once again, and the joy and peace that follows truly transcends all understanding.
To think how God has challenged me this year by opening the eyes of my heart to more of my sins, to how I daily fall short of His awesome glory -- how undeserving I am for His attention and care! Lord, "Who is man that thou art mindful of him?" Why would You want to help me and guide me and push me to become more like your son Lord Jesus Christ, especially when it causes so much heartache and pain and even anger towards You? Why? Because You love me. That much. You are the perfect Father. You are Love. And by the grace of Christ, it's okay that I fail over and over and over again. You never stop helping us.
My biggest lesson of the year so far, the pretty awesome revelation I've had, is that life... no, not life, but THIS DAY, this one day and all the things that happen, all the people around me, is nothing more than a backdrop to me and God and this beautiful dance we are doing. He is trying to teach me steps I do not know, using the backdrop around us, and I am trying to learn, though failing miserably most of the time. BUT, He doesn't stop trying AND, when I finally pick up one of the many steps I need to learn, I can, in turn, teach those or show those around me. Life... THIS DAY, this dance... Christ and me. Wow.
One of those steps I'm just starting to understand and need to work on is imitating Christ's humility. A couple nights ago I was sitting in the backseat of a car and in my heart there was a deluge of anger, frustration, pride and JEALOUSLY that, upon retrospection, had been building up for a while. It was disgusting. I felt utterly disgusting. And the more I tried to fight it, the more crippling I felt. What a stronghold Satan has on my heart... but isn't it amazing that's nothing compared to the Power of God! Thank you Lord that by your strength and power I am free from the yoke of slavery... from sin and death!
The words of the apostle Paul in Philippians have been haunting me for the past week or so: "... in humility consider others better than yourselves." To read it, and to truly understand it, are two very different things. The latter desires you to enact it in your life. And how difficult that is.
But I'm working on it. By the beautiful Grace available to us freely through Christ, I am working on it.
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