a passive faith?

I was really challenged yesterday through our speaker at MedCF. He was talking about faith and how so many Christians just slowly drift away from God throughout med school, or, later on during their registra/consultant years. The nature of this work, this profession, this lifestyle, forces you to make a decision, either actively or unknowingly, whether you'll put God first... or not.

And it made me realise that... for the past few months, unknowingly -- but knowingly -- I let myself start down the easy, wider path. A path that leads further and further away from God, and closer and closer to the world. Why? Because... it got too hard and I stopped relying on God's strength. And I justified it by telling God I needed just a short 'time-out.' But I realise now I started down a dangerous path -- a passive faith where even though the knowledge of the truth was well-established in my mind, no response followed.

I always wonder every once in a while if life would be easier if I wasn't a Christian -- if God hadn't proved himself in my life so many times as he has... if he wasn't so real. Then I could of just been 'of this world' and things would be that much more simpler... but everytime I think this, and every time I try out this of-the-world business -- every time I start to push God aside, bit by bit to see if I'll be alright -- I start to become this mess. Maybe not on the outside, but inside I always get all twisted up and... it hurts. The confusion, the emptiness, the sheer pointlessness of life...

I started to think you could live with a passive faith. A faith where you declare yourself a Christian, yes, and tick that box, go to church... and do little more. But to have faith means you believe... and to believe means God is real... and if God is real means he has to be real in your life... and for him to be real in your life, you have to live each day in relationship with him. If you love him, you have to talk to him. If you trust him, you have to learn more about him. Everyday.

I keep thinking it's too hard... everything. But then that's when I know I'm not trusting in his strength, because it is too hard... when I go at it alone.