Things have calmed down a bit this past week. Last weekend I was in Auckland for the final NZMSA Exec meeting of the year. Despite the fact that more than half the Exec are away overseas it was still good to recap what we've done and our plans for 2010. The meeting was relatively informal and not too content heavy which was nice (and so foreign) because normally by Saturday afternoon my brain is utterly fried and Sunday can become a mission. But like I said, lack of numbers and formality kept things pretty easy-going. A few of the Exec members who were there had just had their first week as doctors so it was good to hear how they were going and what I have to look forward to in less than a year's time. :) Also, due to a semi-late start Sunday morning, one of the Exec members and I had a chance to catch up over breakfast -- he's an Aucklander and, as I found out halfway through the year, a Christian. It's been really awesome getting to know him and he's quickly become a good friend. In particular it turned out that we were going through some similar stuff this year in our respective lives regarding relationships and being Christian and single and in our early twenties, etc., which is an area/topic largely untouched, unaddressed by most church communities, so it's been good sharing resources, insight and encouragement.
The other upside of the weekend was that I got to catch up with my sister! And what's more check out her new fancy apartment in Parnell. She was previously living in a tiny studio close to the med school/hospital, but now has "upgraded" with a friend of hers to a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment. Much, much roomier I have to say. On Friday night I shouted her and Anthony out to dinner which was nice. Then Saturday night after the usual Exec dinner I passed on going out to town with them and Kirsty and I did Movenpick icecream and videos instead -- awesome. And because the meeting finished a wee bit earlier than expected Sunday afternoon Kirsty and I had a chance to do some shopping in Newmarket before I had to head to the airport. So, all in all, a very fun weekend.
It's been a bit less hectic at the hospital too. I've been largely hanging out at PAU (the emergency Paediatric Assessment Unit) trying to admit kids as they come in. Plus we had like three different presentations to give, which on the whole all went alright. One more presentation and an oral test to do this week and then, IT'S OVER! First run of TI year... man, this year is gonna be over before I know it.
I have to admit, I've been in a funny head space lately. I think it's been ever since a few of us on the surgical interest club committee caught up with our "mentor" surgeon ("Mr A") to talk about our plans for the upcoming year. It was a really worthwhile meeting because Mr A ended up going on a huge tangent about the application process for surgical training. And despite working my butt off these past couple of years with research and extra-curricular stuff, it seems there has been a big hole in my approach. On retrospect, although I have no regrets for the research I've done (bioethics, surgical education, endocrinology) I can't help but think maybe I should have... been more... surgically-minded?? I dunno... and my overseas elective that I've been planning for the past year... it's not surgical at all. And although it wouldn't count against me in my future application, realistically I could do something that could count FOR me??
There's a part of me that's thinking, well, I told myself from the get-go that I wouldn't become this all-surgery, all-the-time, nothing-but-surgery kind of person, that I would still have other interests and not let it dictate my life... However, the potential downside to that (I've now realised upon looking into what it takes to successfully apply to the surgical training program) is that maybe I do need more of that "focused" mindset if I wanna get in... as I most certainly do. I also learnt from my conversation with Mr A that if you're accepted into the training program you can choose to defer for a year, so even if I apply as soon as possible (which I told myself I wouldn't do cos what's the rush? there are heaps of other stuff I wanna do in my life before making that huge commitment... but which now I am seriously contemplating doing... lol), there's the potential to get accepted, have that security and then spend a year travelling and volunteering overseas as per the original plan.
*Sigh*... I dunno... It's crazy though because things are getting a bit more serious now. Like it's not just about, "Oh yeah, I was thinking maybe surgery, but who knows what'll happen," to, if I want it I need to start knuckling down so to speak and plan out the next couple of years of my life... which... I know, sounds all a bit too hard-core... but... I've always been the kind of person who, if I know what I want, I go for it. Full stop. And, I know what I want. So... I guess... that means... here I go again.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
today I got paid less than minimum wage... and you probably did too, lol
Despite an overwhelming desire to write, write and then write some more about what's been going on lately, I find myself unexpectedly (or not so unexpectedly?) pressed for time!! The Paeds department here was notorious for their assignments/presentations/etc during 5th year and TI year I'm afraid is little different. So in between working on one of four presentations I have to give during this four-week run, not to mention an oral test, AS WELL AS on-calls, I'm finding it a bit difficult to (a.) be sociable, and (b.) get some quality time to jot down my thoughts. A bit frustrating but to be honest, I'm too physically exhausted to care right now. After all weekend on-call, and then back in the hospital this morning to do a blood test before 8am handover, all I want to do is get into bed and sleep.
If the point of Intern year is to give us a taste of what life is like after graduation I believe I am starting to understand... and, well, I have a year to mentally prepare myself for a life of physical exhaustion. LoL But still, no regrets. There is joy in suffering... fo sho.
Okay... back to the literature search on carbohydrate counting. Oi vey.
If the point of Intern year is to give us a taste of what life is like after graduation I believe I am starting to understand... and, well, I have a year to mentally prepare myself for a life of physical exhaustion. LoL But still, no regrets. There is joy in suffering... fo sho.
Okay... back to the literature search on carbohydrate counting. Oi vey.
Monday, November 23, 2009
whoa, what just happened?
I experienced my first cardiac arrest today... in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU).
I experienced my first death in the hospital... the death of a tiny little baby.
Without saying too much, this newborn baby has been pretty sick and no one could figure out why. They (the consultants and registrars) had spent a while discussing this baby at the morning handover meeting, but I didn't think too much about it myself. Then, having been assigned to NICU for the week, I met this baby and the whole family an hour later on our ward round -- and indeed the baby was unwell but stable. It was pretty hard going for the family who knew things were getting serious and, in some ways to an outside looking in, it kind of felt like they were preparing themselves to say goodbye, like as if somehow they knew in their heart of hearts what was to come.
It was later that afternoon that all of a sudden there was an explosion of beeping from one of the NICU monitors, followed by hushed exclamations of "Where's the doctor??!?" Before I knew what was happening there were two registrars, one house surgeon, two nurses (with the consultant on the way)... and me, standing, just standing there, watching it all unfold in front of me like a scene from a TV show, but this time in slow motion and with hushed voices in an otherwise silent and frozen NICU. And in those next ten minutes it was like everyone else in the room was holding their breath, completely paralyzed, afraid that one wrong movement might somehow change the fate of this little baby, dusky blue, teetering on the edge of the precipice that is life... or death.
I was frozen. I just stood there. They didn't need me, and, frankly, I had nothing to offer. No skills, no understanding, no knowledge. My role, I quickly realised, was just to take it in.
You know in First Aid course when you practice CPR on those mannequins? And on "Annie" (the adult mannequin) you're supposed to use the force of your entire upper body to perform the compressions? (To quote one of the instructors, "You're not doing it right if you haven't fractured any ribs.") But then afterwards they bring out the infant mannequin and teach you to use two fingers? Two fingers. Two fingers of one hand for compressions. I always felt a little ridiculous doing that, like, honestly, would two fingers really be enough??
After my car rolled off the bank in Motueka the image that stayed with me (and remains with me still) is the blurred view of the green and brown forestry through the windshield as my car tumbled on it's side, like being inside a glass hamster wheel looking out. In the same way, the image that haunts me from this afternoon is of the registrar's two fingers pushing up and down on this tiny little baby's heart... and on this tiny, fragile, precious baby, two fingers really were more than enough.
After about fifteen minutes of resus, as the registrars continued to do compressions and bag ventilate, the consultant went over to the family to explain to them that they would now stop doing compressions and that it was time to say goodbye. And it was then, as they started to extubate the baby, that it was too much for me. I stepped outside, left NICU, and in an empty hallway at the back of the fifth floor, started to cry.
It sucks. Plain and simple. And it breaks your heart. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for the family. I only met the little baby this morning and it was enough to break my heart; I can't even begin to fathom what it would be like had I spent every single moment of six, seven, eight months with a baby that was inside of me, then to watch it die before it even had a chance to live.
Needless to say, it was a pretty intense first day. And to be honest, I think I'm a little shell-shocked.
I experienced my first death in the hospital... the death of a tiny little baby.
Without saying too much, this newborn baby has been pretty sick and no one could figure out why. They (the consultants and registrars) had spent a while discussing this baby at the morning handover meeting, but I didn't think too much about it myself. Then, having been assigned to NICU for the week, I met this baby and the whole family an hour later on our ward round -- and indeed the baby was unwell but stable. It was pretty hard going for the family who knew things were getting serious and, in some ways to an outside looking in, it kind of felt like they were preparing themselves to say goodbye, like as if somehow they knew in their heart of hearts what was to come.
It was later that afternoon that all of a sudden there was an explosion of beeping from one of the NICU monitors, followed by hushed exclamations of "Where's the doctor??!?" Before I knew what was happening there were two registrars, one house surgeon, two nurses (with the consultant on the way)... and me, standing, just standing there, watching it all unfold in front of me like a scene from a TV show, but this time in slow motion and with hushed voices in an otherwise silent and frozen NICU. And in those next ten minutes it was like everyone else in the room was holding their breath, completely paralyzed, afraid that one wrong movement might somehow change the fate of this little baby, dusky blue, teetering on the edge of the precipice that is life... or death.
I was frozen. I just stood there. They didn't need me, and, frankly, I had nothing to offer. No skills, no understanding, no knowledge. My role, I quickly realised, was just to take it in.
You know in First Aid course when you practice CPR on those mannequins? And on "Annie" (the adult mannequin) you're supposed to use the force of your entire upper body to perform the compressions? (To quote one of the instructors, "You're not doing it right if you haven't fractured any ribs.") But then afterwards they bring out the infant mannequin and teach you to use two fingers? Two fingers. Two fingers of one hand for compressions. I always felt a little ridiculous doing that, like, honestly, would two fingers really be enough??
After my car rolled off the bank in Motueka the image that stayed with me (and remains with me still) is the blurred view of the green and brown forestry through the windshield as my car tumbled on it's side, like being inside a glass hamster wheel looking out. In the same way, the image that haunts me from this afternoon is of the registrar's two fingers pushing up and down on this tiny little baby's heart... and on this tiny, fragile, precious baby, two fingers really were more than enough.
After about fifteen minutes of resus, as the registrars continued to do compressions and bag ventilate, the consultant went over to the family to explain to them that they would now stop doing compressions and that it was time to say goodbye. And it was then, as they started to extubate the baby, that it was too much for me. I stepped outside, left NICU, and in an empty hallway at the back of the fifth floor, started to cry.
It sucks. Plain and simple. And it breaks your heart. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for the family. I only met the little baby this morning and it was enough to break my heart; I can't even begin to fathom what it would be like had I spent every single moment of six, seven, eight months with a baby that was inside of me, then to watch it die before it even had a chance to live.
Needless to say, it was a pretty intense first day. And to be honest, I think I'm a little shell-shocked.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
not just awesome but delightfully awesome
Hi! And hello again! The past few weeks have been such a whirlwind of events and emotions and I have no idea how I'll catch up on writing about it all, but I have decided I must and I will. Maybe not all at once, but there are just so many thoughts, memories and reflections flying around my head that I NEED to get it down on paper.
I start back up at the hospital tomorrow, for my sixth and FINAL year of medical school.
[pause]
My sixth and FINAL year of medical school.
[pause]
My sixth and FINAL year of medical school... yeaaaaah...
[pause]
Did I mention that tomorrow I start my sixth and FINAL year of medical school?
I just can't get over it. And no matter how many times I say it, it still sounds strange and completely surreal. I think once I'm in the thick of it, back on the wards, busy running around and doing work it won't feel quite so strange but for now I remain in the realm of utter disbelief.
The past couple months have been the most intense of my academic career, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually... and it just feels all too surreal that it's behind me now, that I actually did get through it. I did what I had to do (although I'm not quite sure exactly what that was -- have they become repressed memories already?? lol) and in the end I managed and I survived. I didn't burnout (although I came dangerously close a couple times this year), I didn't have a breakdown, I didn't give up... somehow I pressed through... through that final, most painful phase of the metamorphosis that is medical school. And here I stand, a Trainee Intern.
Weird.
But delightfully awesome. :)
So much has happened the past few weeks, from the cathartic release of finishing exams, the utter elation and jumping-up-and-down upon receiving the "You've passed" email, to the most epic, relaxing, brilliant road trip back up to Motueka this past week and all that was in between. And like I said, I'll most definitely be putting pen to paper this upcoming week, but for now suffice it to say: Goodnight dear world, I'll see you tomorrow. Yours faithfully, Anna, Trainee Intern Extraordinaire. :)
I start back up at the hospital tomorrow, for my sixth and FINAL year of medical school.
[pause]
My sixth and FINAL year of medical school.
[pause]
My sixth and FINAL year of medical school... yeaaaaah...
[pause]
Did I mention that tomorrow I start my sixth and FINAL year of medical school?
I just can't get over it. And no matter how many times I say it, it still sounds strange and completely surreal. I think once I'm in the thick of it, back on the wards, busy running around and doing work it won't feel quite so strange but for now I remain in the realm of utter disbelief.
The past couple months have been the most intense of my academic career, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually... and it just feels all too surreal that it's behind me now, that I actually did get through it. I did what I had to do (although I'm not quite sure exactly what that was -- have they become repressed memories already?? lol) and in the end I managed and I survived. I didn't burnout (although I came dangerously close a couple times this year), I didn't have a breakdown, I didn't give up... somehow I pressed through... through that final, most painful phase of the metamorphosis that is medical school. And here I stand, a Trainee Intern.
Weird.
But delightfully awesome. :)
So much has happened the past few weeks, from the cathartic release of finishing exams, the utter elation and jumping-up-and-down upon receiving the "You've passed" email, to the most epic, relaxing, brilliant road trip back up to Motueka this past week and all that was in between. And like I said, I'll most definitely be putting pen to paper this upcoming week, but for now suffice it to say: Goodnight dear world, I'll see you tomorrow. Yours faithfully, Anna, Trainee Intern Extraordinaire. :)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
low point
It's official: procrastination desperation. That's fifteen minutes well worth of distraction. Now, back to psych...
Post-note: That 0% facebook use in MICN5 October is apparently true for everyone but me... I think it's because tvnz-on-demand hasn't been working for the past two days. :(
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
yes indeed-y, I will most certainly jump through those hoops and I will do so with all my heart and a great big smile
I know I had planned a blog-hiatus in the lead-up to exams but I just got home from my last test for rural GP run and found myself with some seriously unexpected nostalgia.
My last rotation of my fifth year of medical school is officially over and I find myself wondering, has it really been five years??
When I think back on all the incredible, surprising, character-forming experiences I've had, it's both easy and hard to believe that it has been five years since this crazy journey (<-- corney, I know but there's no other way to describe it) began.
I still remember the Anna from four years ago with equal parts cringe, warmth and disbelief, much like unexpectedly stumbling into an old photograph of yourself in the bottom of your closet and wondering what happened to that person staring back at you. Sure parts of her remain, but mere remnants and fragments within the context of this much older and different woman, the product of numerous metamorphoses over the years passed.
I think this nostalgia has been creeping up on me slowly but surely for a while now. A few days ago as I was standing lost in random thought while blow drying my hair I found myself thinking of the "nine lives" I used to dream about as a teenager, the nine occupations I wished I could live out: Anna the magazine editor-in-chief, Anna the journalist for Newsweek, Anna the PhD US history student turned professor, Anna the television producer, Anna the novelist, Anna the US Air Force pilot (I know, laugh, but it was the stepping stone of becoming an astronaut, the ultimate ambition for most of my adolescent life), Anna the diplomat for the United Nations, Anna the food critic, and last but not least, Anna the international human rights lawyer. As I recounted these random (and not to mention, lofty) ambitions of my youth, I found myself thinking how ironic it was that "Anna the doctor" never -- and I mean, never -- once crossed my mind. For someone who constantly entertained a thousand different lives and always feared having to settle on one, I find it more than a little ironic that the one thing I ended up doing was the one thing I could never have imagined even just five years ago.
And look at me now. Nine days away from medical school finals, nostalgic as ever, reflecting on how I couldn't picture myself doing anything else in the world. Man, God is awesome. He really does exceed your expectations every single time -- no matter what you could ever plan or imagine for yourself, His Plan, His Will, is so much more amazing, and brilliant, and fulfilling than anything you could ever dream of or conjure up.
I've been so incredibly at peace the past week or so, and I know it's all because of God. I'm excited for exams because regardless of what may happen, when I look at how far I've come, how far all of my classmates and myself have come it's amazing to see the utter transformation we've undergone. And you know what? I don't need an examiner or a hundrend multiple choice questions to tell me what I'm confident in my heart of hearts to be true, which is that I've studied my butt off for five years and I'm so incredibly excited and ready to be an intern. I'll jump through whatever hoops Med school, Society and Convention want me to, because I can't wait until the day I get to rock up to a patient in the emergency room and say, "Hi! My name is Dr Anna, and I'm gonna do my best to look after you today." That, ladies and gentlemen, is gonna be a freakin' awesome day. :) Here's to the next nine days, and to the rest of our lives.
My last rotation of my fifth year of medical school is officially over and I find myself wondering, has it really been five years??
When I think back on all the incredible, surprising, character-forming experiences I've had, it's both easy and hard to believe that it has been five years since this crazy journey (<-- corney, I know but there's no other way to describe it) began.
I still remember the Anna from four years ago with equal parts cringe, warmth and disbelief, much like unexpectedly stumbling into an old photograph of yourself in the bottom of your closet and wondering what happened to that person staring back at you. Sure parts of her remain, but mere remnants and fragments within the context of this much older and different woman, the product of numerous metamorphoses over the years passed.
I think this nostalgia has been creeping up on me slowly but surely for a while now. A few days ago as I was standing lost in random thought while blow drying my hair I found myself thinking of the "nine lives" I used to dream about as a teenager, the nine occupations I wished I could live out: Anna the magazine editor-in-chief, Anna the journalist for Newsweek, Anna the PhD US history student turned professor, Anna the television producer, Anna the novelist, Anna the US Air Force pilot (I know, laugh, but it was the stepping stone of becoming an astronaut, the ultimate ambition for most of my adolescent life), Anna the diplomat for the United Nations, Anna the food critic, and last but not least, Anna the international human rights lawyer. As I recounted these random (and not to mention, lofty) ambitions of my youth, I found myself thinking how ironic it was that "Anna the doctor" never -- and I mean, never -- once crossed my mind. For someone who constantly entertained a thousand different lives and always feared having to settle on one, I find it more than a little ironic that the one thing I ended up doing was the one thing I could never have imagined even just five years ago.
And look at me now. Nine days away from medical school finals, nostalgic as ever, reflecting on how I couldn't picture myself doing anything else in the world. Man, God is awesome. He really does exceed your expectations every single time -- no matter what you could ever plan or imagine for yourself, His Plan, His Will, is so much more amazing, and brilliant, and fulfilling than anything you could ever dream of or conjure up.
I've been so incredibly at peace the past week or so, and I know it's all because of God. I'm excited for exams because regardless of what may happen, when I look at how far I've come, how far all of my classmates and myself have come it's amazing to see the utter transformation we've undergone. And you know what? I don't need an examiner or a hundrend multiple choice questions to tell me what I'm confident in my heart of hearts to be true, which is that I've studied my butt off for five years and I'm so incredibly excited and ready to be an intern. I'll jump through whatever hoops Med school, Society and Convention want me to, because I can't wait until the day I get to rock up to a patient in the emergency room and say, "Hi! My name is Dr Anna, and I'm gonna do my best to look after you today." That, ladies and gentlemen, is gonna be a freakin' awesome day. :) Here's to the next nine days, and to the rest of our lives.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
i'll see you on the other side
In 25 days it'll all be over folks! On Friday I flew home after five weeks of rural GP in Motueka/Golden Bay (Nelson area!). Countless amazing experiences and many unexpected friendships later, I am back home and now -- in the routine and comfort of home -- well into study hibernation.
Twenty days until OSCEs, 25 days until exams are over.
I promise to share all my awesome, utterly random rural GP stories once exams are over -- Insights, Reflections and Revelations From A City Girl At Heart -- but for now I'll leave you with but one thought: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal." - Isaiah 26:3,4
A few pictures as a prelude of what's to come:
Twenty days until OSCEs, 25 days until exams are over.
I promise to share all my awesome, utterly random rural GP stories once exams are over -- Insights, Reflections and Revelations From A City Girl At Heart -- but for now I'll leave you with but one thought: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal." - Isaiah 26:3,4
A few pictures as a prelude of what's to come:
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