I've got nothing particularly reflective on my mind right now, no "ponder this" as John Campbell would say... 99.9% of my thoughts this past week have been about these darn Paeds/ObGyn assessments we have on Thursday and Friday. I'm not going to vent about it because I told myself as I was walking home that I wouldn't... or at least, try to minimise the venting... *sigh*... or at least, try to tone down the venting somewhat. LoL So this is me not venting.
It's so strange to think that this time last year I was getting ready to head over to Seattle. What a great trip that was; how I miss Seattle. The Paediatric registra I was in clinic with this morning, though originally from India, trained for a bit in the States, first in Albany, New York and then Detroit. Just talking to him about the US, joking around, reflecting on their culture... it was so much fun. And I have to admit, I got more than a bit nostalgic. Seriously, what's with this instinctive, undeniable not love but "like" I have with that place? Morbid fascination?? It's akin to that 13-year-old crush you had back in junior high who you can't help smile thinking back on, however embarrassing or irrelevant.
The other thing I've been musing on as of late? The younger brother of a friend has recently been accepted into Harvard Summer School Program. I'm flying up to Christchurch in a couple weekends time and it'll great to sit and chat with him about the Program, give him advice, share my enthusiasm and all that jazz. But do you wanna hear the absolutely weird thing about it all?? He's 16 years old. Which really shouldn't surprise me, because that's how old I was when I went. But let me put it another way: when I was 16 and heading to Harvard, HE WAS TEN.
WEIRD.
*shudder*shudder*
WEIRD.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
keep on keepin' on
It feels like the year is whizzing by at super sonic speed...
How can so much change, so much happen, in so little a time?
508 days until elective... a little more until graduation...
How truly finite is our time in this place... in this world... in this life.
"Where, oh, Death, is your sting?"
How can so much change, so much happen, in so little a time?
508 days until elective... a little more until graduation...
How truly finite is our time in this place... in this world... in this life.
"Where, oh, Death, is your sting?"
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Have you seen 'The Family Stone'??
Mum and dad "house hunting"/studying the market up North on the Internet, planning for life post-my graduation:
Me: "Why are you guys looking at such big houses? Four bedrooms!? Why do you need four bedrooms?"
Mum: "It's so that you and Kirsty come visit. And when you guys come visit you'll need your own rooms."
Me: "Okay, but even so, why four? That's way too many!"
Mum: "Because you guys will come with your boyfriends, and they'll need their own separate rooms too."
Hahahaha... my mum. You gotta love that tiny, tiny woman!
Me: "Why are you guys looking at such big houses? Four bedrooms!? Why do you need four bedrooms?"
Mum: "It's so that you and Kirsty come visit. And when you guys come visit you'll need your own rooms."
Me: "Okay, but even so, why four? That's way too many!"
Mum: "Because you guys will come with your boyfriends, and they'll need their own separate rooms too."
Hahahaha... my mum. You gotta love that tiny, tiny woman!
"not by your own strength..."
My first weekend "off" in over a month, with no big plans, travelling or assignments due, and it's been fantasmic! Despite the cold, dreary weather, it's been so great waking up to natural light instead of my awful synthetic cellphone alarm-clock, getting some quality pyjama-time, and taking things easy for once. A well earned slowing of pace, I think. :)
Had time for a good run with my marathon-running-but-ever-so-patient running buddy, despite getting drenched with rain for the first ten minutes or so. But whoa for a sense of accomplishment because before I knew it I had run all the way up our usual hill without even considering slowing down -- the first time that's happened, ever! I think I was pretty distracted with the talking though, lol, but I definitely had that increase in fitness to back it up which is sooooo incredibly cool and satisfying. I always have so much fun on our runs.
Even snuck in dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine last night. We've both been so busy lately and things have been so intense during our respective weeks, so we decided to do a fun, light-hearted movie -- Confessions of a Shopaholic (cos I love Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy!) which was exactly what I was in the mood for -- followed by Mexican, a glass of Riesling and some pretty awesome conversation. Yay!
Things, school-wise, are slowing down a tiny bit which is nice. Two more weeks of Paediatrics left, mainly outpatient clinics, etc., but that means I have NINE DAYS to study everything there is to know about Paeds before our assessments next Friday. Yikes! I foresee some quality textbook time in the next few days. I'm excited to get some of that studying done though, because it'll dampen those feelings of utter inadequacy I've been experiencing these past few weeks; and plus, the faster the time passes, the closer it'll be to my weekend in Auckland! Next NZMSA Exec meeting is in two weekends time, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with my oh so crazy, black-sheep sister! :P
Other than that, life seems to be getting a bit better this past week. To be completely honest, I've been struggling signifcantly in my walk with Christ for almost a year, maybe longer. For a whole host of reasons really... for the first time in five years I stopped going to church last August... and I've been on a kind of self-imposed exile from God. I think I just got so tired and run-down with constantly analysing everything, every thought, every reaction, every word, and for once I said to myself, surely I can just take a break from it all without denying what I know to be True, without it affecting my Faith. So for the first time in my life I just stopped thinking. And I just let myself BE. Whatever. Say whatever. React however. And not analyse it, or feel guilty about this or that. For once, join in with the venting, and partake in the gossip. Maybe not so outwardly, but inside I allowed myself to judge and think these negative, self-righteous things... And I was fine. For months and months. Life didn't fall apart without God in my day. I chugged along as I normally do. And even as fifth year started up, it was all good. And sure, it even became fun joining in increasingly with the ways of the world, in my heart and in my actions. Then the whole NZMSA thing happened, which was fantastic. I was--no, I am becoming more and more the person I hope to be, more and more successful in the eyes of the world, in exactly the kind of way I want to be... And yet, it was really strange because last week, kind of out of the blue, I started to get this feeling of... powerlessness. I'm on this fast-track to becoming a doctor, I'm getting involved in "big" organizations that deal with "big-scale" decisions impacting so many people... and yet, I became increasingly aware of the fact that nothing I did had any power, that power to affect people's lives in the most fundamental, simple, direct way. When my day is Christ-centered, there is this ineffeable knowledge that every word, every smile, every action, every potential good is soooo powerful; sharing the Love and Joy and Peace of God... there is Power in that. Even when I bake, sure I enjoy baking, but it takes a lot of time out of an already busy day and I'm not driven to bake by "enjoyment"... I know that when I bake and share it with people around me it's one opportunity to share that Love with them, and whether they realise it or not, that's the love of Christ. And there is Power in that. And I guess I thought I could still have that, I could still do that, despite my self-imposed "break" from God. It's not like I stopped believing in Him... I justified as, "I just need some time."
But I've always known that Faith isn't just knowledge... it's what follows, it's our response. How can I say I love God and am a follower of Christ, when I don't spend any time with Him or aren't willing to give up anything for Him? How can you say you love anyone, if you don't talk to them or want to spend time with them? It's illogical and flawed at the most basic level! And yet I chose just not to think about it... and there I was there, doing "fine," succeeding, but living with this huge hypocrisy which I knew but chose to ignore.
It's almost unbelievable how everytime I fall from Christ I become this really ugly person inside. Outwardly appearances may not change, and to be completely honest, I can "fake" Christian... I know that sounds horrible, but it's true; I know what to say, how to react, I know the theory... I know how to "be" Christian... yet I also know the truth that's in my heart. And without Christ that truth is so ugly; I know my heart starts to rot away, I've been there before. And this time, it wasn't some dramatic "rock bottom" or some big revelation that bought me back; just this gradual awareness that I was... I am... becoming utterly inaffective.
On Friday I met up with the new Med Christian Fellowship leaders for '09, six third year med students most of whom I'd never met before. But I knew back from when I led MedCF what a difference it made to know there was someone around for you, how encouraging that was. So more out of a sense of obligation, I asked to take them all out for coffee. How laughable is it that I went in thinking all hoity-toity that I would be doing them this grand favour of encouraging them, when actually getting to know them was just completely humbling and encouraging for me.
That fellowship, huh. It's an awesome, awesome thing.
Had time for a good run with my marathon-running-but-ever-so-patient running buddy, despite getting drenched with rain for the first ten minutes or so. But whoa for a sense of accomplishment because before I knew it I had run all the way up our usual hill without even considering slowing down -- the first time that's happened, ever! I think I was pretty distracted with the talking though, lol, but I definitely had that increase in fitness to back it up which is sooooo incredibly cool and satisfying. I always have so much fun on our runs.
Even snuck in dinner and a movie with a good friend of mine last night. We've both been so busy lately and things have been so intense during our respective weeks, so we decided to do a fun, light-hearted movie -- Confessions of a Shopaholic (cos I love Isla Fisher and Hugh Dancy!) which was exactly what I was in the mood for -- followed by Mexican, a glass of Riesling and some pretty awesome conversation. Yay!
Things, school-wise, are slowing down a tiny bit which is nice. Two more weeks of Paediatrics left, mainly outpatient clinics, etc., but that means I have NINE DAYS to study everything there is to know about Paeds before our assessments next Friday. Yikes! I foresee some quality textbook time in the next few days. I'm excited to get some of that studying done though, because it'll dampen those feelings of utter inadequacy I've been experiencing these past few weeks; and plus, the faster the time passes, the closer it'll be to my weekend in Auckland! Next NZMSA Exec meeting is in two weekends time, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with my oh so crazy, black-sheep sister! :P
Other than that, life seems to be getting a bit better this past week. To be completely honest, I've been struggling signifcantly in my walk with Christ for almost a year, maybe longer. For a whole host of reasons really... for the first time in five years I stopped going to church last August... and I've been on a kind of self-imposed exile from God. I think I just got so tired and run-down with constantly analysing everything, every thought, every reaction, every word, and for once I said to myself, surely I can just take a break from it all without denying what I know to be True, without it affecting my Faith. So for the first time in my life I just stopped thinking. And I just let myself BE. Whatever. Say whatever. React however. And not analyse it, or feel guilty about this or that. For once, join in with the venting, and partake in the gossip. Maybe not so outwardly, but inside I allowed myself to judge and think these negative, self-righteous things... And I was fine. For months and months. Life didn't fall apart without God in my day. I chugged along as I normally do. And even as fifth year started up, it was all good. And sure, it even became fun joining in increasingly with the ways of the world, in my heart and in my actions. Then the whole NZMSA thing happened, which was fantastic. I was--no, I am becoming more and more the person I hope to be, more and more successful in the eyes of the world, in exactly the kind of way I want to be... And yet, it was really strange because last week, kind of out of the blue, I started to get this feeling of... powerlessness. I'm on this fast-track to becoming a doctor, I'm getting involved in "big" organizations that deal with "big-scale" decisions impacting so many people... and yet, I became increasingly aware of the fact that nothing I did had any power, that power to affect people's lives in the most fundamental, simple, direct way. When my day is Christ-centered, there is this ineffeable knowledge that every word, every smile, every action, every potential good is soooo powerful; sharing the Love and Joy and Peace of God... there is Power in that. Even when I bake, sure I enjoy baking, but it takes a lot of time out of an already busy day and I'm not driven to bake by "enjoyment"... I know that when I bake and share it with people around me it's one opportunity to share that Love with them, and whether they realise it or not, that's the love of Christ. And there is Power in that. And I guess I thought I could still have that, I could still do that, despite my self-imposed "break" from God. It's not like I stopped believing in Him... I justified as, "I just need some time."
But I've always known that Faith isn't just knowledge... it's what follows, it's our response. How can I say I love God and am a follower of Christ, when I don't spend any time with Him or aren't willing to give up anything for Him? How can you say you love anyone, if you don't talk to them or want to spend time with them? It's illogical and flawed at the most basic level! And yet I chose just not to think about it... and there I was there, doing "fine," succeeding, but living with this huge hypocrisy which I knew but chose to ignore.
It's almost unbelievable how everytime I fall from Christ I become this really ugly person inside. Outwardly appearances may not change, and to be completely honest, I can "fake" Christian... I know that sounds horrible, but it's true; I know what to say, how to react, I know the theory... I know how to "be" Christian... yet I also know the truth that's in my heart. And without Christ that truth is so ugly; I know my heart starts to rot away, I've been there before. And this time, it wasn't some dramatic "rock bottom" or some big revelation that bought me back; just this gradual awareness that I was... I am... becoming utterly inaffective.
On Friday I met up with the new Med Christian Fellowship leaders for '09, six third year med students most of whom I'd never met before. But I knew back from when I led MedCF what a difference it made to know there was someone around for you, how encouraging that was. So more out of a sense of obligation, I asked to take them all out for coffee. How laughable is it that I went in thinking all hoity-toity that I would be doing them this grand favour of encouraging them, when actually getting to know them was just completely humbling and encouraging for me.
That fellowship, huh. It's an awesome, awesome thing.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
"I know you can feel overwhelmed, and you can feel underwhelmed, but can you just feel, whelmed?"
You know when so much happens in such a short amount of time that you barely have time to think about what you've gotten yourself into, let alone, write about it in any kind of reflective way? Yup, that's me right now. I feel... overwhelmed, sans the negative connotations. Yes, I feel overwhelmed; yes, I know I'm in way over my head; yes, for the first time in ages I feel like I'm holding on by the tips of my fingers, just barely scraping through to get what I need to get done, but strangely enough, I'm not stressed. At all. Which is an unusual feeling.
Starting the year off with hands-down the most intense and most time-consuming run would keep anyone crazy busy. Invercargill was great for ObGyn and I enjoyed obstetrics (or, at least the surgeries involved!), assisting in cesareans during my weekend on-call. But then, on top of it all, running for and being elected to the New Zealand Medical Students' Association (NZMSA) at the last minute; driving back from Invercargill then flying to Christchurch an hour later... then two days of intense meetings... constantly around people, talking ("serious" discussions, lol)... nights out... then back for a week of being rostered onto Paediatric Ward with 8am ward rounds every morning... and another rostered weekend on-call these past two days.
It's been a whirlwind, to say the least, my sanity rooted in nonnegotiable minimum seven hours sleep, and making time to go for a run every couple days! But I'm enjoying it all. Tired, but truly satisfying.
I never got into medicine because I enjoyed science (yikes!) or because I wanted to spend my life as a full-time clinician (double yikes!). And I have loved that I can find my own niche within the vast world of opportunity that Medicine offers. Despite feeling like I'm holding things together by the tips of my fingers, I'm enjoying this whole new world I've been thrown into (or, more accurately, chosen to leap into); although this whole NZMSA thing is relatively 'new' for me, I already feel so... at home. LoL I cannot believe how much I'm enjoying it. The board-rooms, the travel, the policy-writing, the meeting heaps of new, like-minded people -- articulate, overachieving, type-A personalities. And I'm glad I waited until now, well into clinical school, to get involved in such a 'big' thing; any earlier and I don't think I would have gotten as much out of it or have been confident enough to have enjoyed it as much. What's even more exciting is that there are a couple others on the Exec who have a real interest in Global Health, and even though I know I can't take on any more 'projects' this year (cos I am certain I would struggle in exams if I did), because it's a 2-year post I have so much to look forward to come November 7 2009 and beyond! (Side-note: I cannot believe that come November I'll be a Trainee Intern! Has it really been five years?!?)
I've got so many "side-projects" and to-dos right now (hence the hanging-on-by-the-fingertips) that I'm just trying to keep up and avoid missing any huge deadlines. Clinical trial, case report, another small study, an offspring of my clinical trial; working on this new Increasing Med Student Numbers policy for NZMSA; NZ Med Students Journal; trying to support the new Med Christian Fellowship leaders; putting into motion my Medical Elective planning; typing up the first draft of my manuscript; school assignments... study everything about Paediatrics and ObGyn... lol So far so good, with the exception of actually studying. But I'll get there sooner or later.
I love how at the start of each year I can never predict how it's going to go, what will happen, what situations I'll find myself in. Is that the same with everyone or just me?
Week six of year five of medical school, and what an adventure it's already been... And Oh! what adventures lie ahead of me still...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
an almost perfect rainy-day weekend
I woke up this morning to the smell of fresh coffee grounds from Mazagram combined with fresh laundry drying in my room... mhmmmm... cozy... a perfect companion for the rain.
Yesterday I spent most of the day starting and finishing (yes, Kirsty, I FINISHED a book) The Reader which I had borrowed from the university library a couple days ago. It was good, but not as good as I had expected. I just didn't seem to connect that well with the protagonist and therefore struggled to buy into the romance part of the story. On the other hand I thought the unveiling of Hanna's past and the whole idea of how a nation comes to grip with their past was fascinating. I've always wondered how the post-war generations of German people felt and dealt with all that happened in WWII, and this book was able to tease out some of those important questions and ideas. Although, again, the 'twist' I also found a bit disappointing.
Last night, after a day of reading in my pyjamas, I went out for movie and dinner with a friend of mine. We watched Changeling which was DISTURBINGLY GOOD. Clint Eastwood sure doesn't disappointment; he really is one of those all too rare creative... geniuses. And no, I don't think that's an overstatement. As I was leaving the theatre I found myself mourning the day the world is going to lose such an incredible storyteller. What was utterly surprising however was how brilliant Angelina Jolie was; I hate to admit it because of the ubiquitous "Brangelina," but that woman can act! For two and a half hours I completely forgot she was 'Angelina Jolie' and was just immersed in her character's plight. She was quite seriously mesmerizing. Actually, every single actor in that movie, from the biggest to the most minor of roles, was incredible. One of them was so disturbing I'm pretty sure I had nightmares last night (even though I can't remember) because apparently I was screaming around three in the morning. Not surprising. (The movie seemed to reaffirmed all those things I mentioned in my previous entry about the idea of having kids. Double Yikes.)
Movie and dinner was great fun. When I got home though I was wide awake and after finishing the last few pages of The Reader I found myself starting another book. While I was at the library I stumbled across a book called The Reluctant Fundamentalist; the title alone sounded so interesting (and the writer's style is the kind I love).
I don't know how I ended up reading so much this weekend but it's been the most lovely surprise. I think it's partly the rainy weather which always seems to make me want to cuddle up in bed and read, and partly a subconscious attempt to restore sanity after such an intense week at school. Regardless I'm going to enjoy it while I can because I know it most definitely can't last.
Plan today: Pack. Eat. Then three hour drive down to the whop-whops.
(Postscript: If you wondered, like me, how Changeling got it's title apparently it's based on this creepy West European folklore.)
Yesterday I spent most of the day starting and finishing (yes, Kirsty, I FINISHED a book) The Reader which I had borrowed from the university library a couple days ago. It was good, but not as good as I had expected. I just didn't seem to connect that well with the protagonist and therefore struggled to buy into the romance part of the story. On the other hand I thought the unveiling of Hanna's past and the whole idea of how a nation comes to grip with their past was fascinating. I've always wondered how the post-war generations of German people felt and dealt with all that happened in WWII, and this book was able to tease out some of those important questions and ideas. Although, again, the 'twist' I also found a bit disappointing.
Last night, after a day of reading in my pyjamas, I went out for movie and dinner with a friend of mine. We watched Changeling which was DISTURBINGLY GOOD. Clint Eastwood sure doesn't disappointment; he really is one of those all too rare creative... geniuses. And no, I don't think that's an overstatement. As I was leaving the theatre I found myself mourning the day the world is going to lose such an incredible storyteller. What was utterly surprising however was how brilliant Angelina Jolie was; I hate to admit it because of the ubiquitous "Brangelina," but that woman can act! For two and a half hours I completely forgot she was 'Angelina Jolie' and was just immersed in her character's plight. She was quite seriously mesmerizing. Actually, every single actor in that movie, from the biggest to the most minor of roles, was incredible. One of them was so disturbing I'm pretty sure I had nightmares last night (even though I can't remember) because apparently I was screaming around three in the morning. Not surprising. (The movie seemed to reaffirmed all those things I mentioned in my previous entry about the idea of having kids. Double Yikes.)
Movie and dinner was great fun. When I got home though I was wide awake and after finishing the last few pages of The Reader I found myself starting another book. While I was at the library I stumbled across a book called The Reluctant Fundamentalist; the title alone sounded so interesting (and the writer's style is the kind I love).
I don't know how I ended up reading so much this weekend but it's been the most lovely surprise. I think it's partly the rainy weather which always seems to make me want to cuddle up in bed and read, and partly a subconscious attempt to restore sanity after such an intense week at school. Regardless I'm going to enjoy it while I can because I know it most definitely can't last.
Plan today: Pack. Eat. Then three hour drive down to the whop-whops.
(Postscript: If you wondered, like me, how Changeling got it's title apparently it's based on this creepy West European folklore.)
Saturday, February 21, 2009
just break my heart a thousand times over
I cannot believe that the first two weeks of fifth year is over already. I've been told this year was the most intense of med school and they really weren't kidding. Even though Introductory Week was physically tiring easing out of 'vacation' mode, starting my Paediatrics/ObGyn run this second week has been unbelievably full-on. I sat a tutorial room with sixteen other people everyday from 8.30am - 5pm with a new and different topic covered every hour; half the time I had no idea what the tutor was talking about, trying not to freak out about my mental list of "things to study" growing with every minute. What's worse, I've only been able to go for a run twice this week which compounds the general feeling of "yuckiness." I'd been planning to go on a couple really hefty runs this weekend to make up for the missed miles, but yesterday this torrential rain suddenly started. And with that I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick as I sit here typing because I can feel the classic prodromal discomfort in the back of my throat.
Oi vey.
But alas it's the weekend and tomorrow night I'm heading on placement for a couple weeks as part of ObGyn to a small rural hospital even more "bottom-of-the-world" than Dunedin. At least (a.) I'll get heaps of hands-on opportunities and theatre time(!), (b.) the Doctors' Residence I'll be staying at is constantly WARM++, and (c.) there's nothing to do there so I'll have plenty of time to study. Two weeks of all Women's Health all the time; should be interesting!
It appears this week has been a week of babies and women... but mainly babies. Not only has 90% of my waking hours been spent talking/learning/studying about babies, but coincidentally I also babysat for friends of mine Tuesday evening AND the fiance of a classmate-friend gave birth Thursday night. I went from virtually no baby contact time in the entirety of my life, to a week of babies, babies all the time... and it's got me thinking. I went from not really knowing how I felt about the idea of "having kids" to being more and more sure that I'm not ready -- AT ALL -- to even begin thinking about it. Paradoxically, the idea of specialising in Neonatology-NICU/Neonatal Surgery is becoming more and more attractive, or in the very least, a definite possibility. Which in my mind only further suggests I'm not ready -- AT ALL -- to begin thinking about KIDS OF MY OWN and I'm not sure I ever will be. How do you raise a baby? How do you protect it from all the horrible-ness or potential horrible-ness of this world? How to do you take this tiny, precious, perfect, heart-wrenchingly adorable mini-human being and keep it safe and healthy in a world where nothing is guaranteed and nothing is certain except for the fact that You Are Responsible. Completely. Fully.
While we were on a tour of NICU I couldn't process a word the nurse was saying to us -- all I could do was watch the absolutely fragile preemie baby BREATHING in the incubator, falling utterly in love. And I felt this sudden, overwhelming, INSUPPRESSIBLE urge to do everything in my power to protect her. And that baby wasn't even mine... And I refuse to let myself imagine what it would be like if that baby were mine. Like I said, totally not ready.
Oi vey.
But alas it's the weekend and tomorrow night I'm heading on placement for a couple weeks as part of ObGyn to a small rural hospital even more "bottom-of-the-world" than Dunedin. At least (a.) I'll get heaps of hands-on opportunities and theatre time(!), (b.) the Doctors' Residence I'll be staying at is constantly WARM++, and (c.) there's nothing to do there so I'll have plenty of time to study. Two weeks of all Women's Health all the time; should be interesting!
It appears this week has been a week of babies and women... but mainly babies. Not only has 90% of my waking hours been spent talking/learning/studying about babies, but coincidentally I also babysat for friends of mine Tuesday evening AND the fiance of a classmate-friend gave birth Thursday night. I went from virtually no baby contact time in the entirety of my life, to a week of babies, babies all the time... and it's got me thinking. I went from not really knowing how I felt about the idea of "having kids" to being more and more sure that I'm not ready -- AT ALL -- to even begin thinking about it. Paradoxically, the idea of specialising in Neonatology-NICU/Neonatal Surgery is becoming more and more attractive, or in the very least, a definite possibility. Which in my mind only further suggests I'm not ready -- AT ALL -- to begin thinking about KIDS OF MY OWN and I'm not sure I ever will be. How do you raise a baby? How do you protect it from all the horrible-ness or potential horrible-ness of this world? How to do you take this tiny, precious, perfect, heart-wrenchingly adorable mini-human being and keep it safe and healthy in a world where nothing is guaranteed and nothing is certain except for the fact that You Are Responsible. Completely. Fully.
While we were on a tour of NICU I couldn't process a word the nurse was saying to us -- all I could do was watch the absolutely fragile preemie baby BREATHING in the incubator, falling utterly in love. And I felt this sudden, overwhelming, INSUPPRESSIBLE urge to do everything in my power to protect her. And that baby wasn't even mine... And I refuse to let myself imagine what it would be like if that baby were mine. Like I said, totally not ready.
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